Adopting My Dad

I really think I am trying to accomplish the impossible and quite frankly for the LIFE of me I can’t come up with a sensible reason why. My dad is incredibly difficult which I knew BEFORE I moved him in here last month but our backs really were against the wall. It’s a fairly long story but the short version is that his caretaker took care of my dad AND his bank account.

I actually think I am doing a pretty good job with the day to day things like remembering his pills, taking him to the Dr., getting him to change his clothes (yes, this is actually an issue). I am even staying relatively sane in spite of having NFL Total Access blaring on the TV from 7 am until 10:30 p.m.. It’s his temper that I am having a hard time with because he’s mean. He has always been mean. He actually took a swing at me yesterday because I turned off the TV so we could talk for a moment. I’m not in any physical danger or anything, I mean he’s strong as hell but he is 84 years old so I’m much faster and I just moved out of his way. I stayed relatively calm but I CLEARLY informed him that I wasn’t a child anymore and that if it happened again he’d find himself sitting in the closest nursing home I could find.

I spent the rest of the day forcing images of the past out of my mind. Images of a time when I wasn’t 41 and he wasn’t 84 and I didn’t have any choice in the matter. Here’s an interesting fact; my brother (bio. son) has NEVER heard my dad so much as raise his voice. Seriously. Never. I on the other hand have spent YEARS trying to make peace with my childhood (my brother was long gone when I was adopted) and I think it is some sort of twisted irony that I have willingly put myself right back in that place I worked so hard to escape. Ironic…… or maybe MORonic.

The worst part is I actually feel some measure of guilt for being angry about the fact that it’s him here instead of my mom. She and I had issues for SURE but she would have acknowledged my children were in the room and loved them, she would have been aware of the sacrifice we were all making by having her live in our home. There would have been some measure of gratitude involved (now THERE’S some irony). Not so with my dad. He believes the world is here to serve him which is exactly what I do.

Why?

Crazy for sure and I really can’t answer that yet. The only thing I can think is that he is my father and despite everything- I do love him- and I love my brother -even though neither of them make it very easy to do. I guess I want my kids to know that this is what families do for one another, that love isn’t always reciprocated and reciprocation isn’t WHY we love anyway.

And then I think that all sounds like a bunch of crap and I really have NO IDEA why I’m doing it.

You know, sometimes I wonder what kind of family the social worker that facilitated my adoption has. What did her model of “family” look like? What personal criteria did she pull from when she made her decision? I wonder if she lives in a nursing home now or if her adult children are caring for her? Mostly I ask myself why she didn’t question the motives of two people wanting to adopt after 21 years? Had she DONE that she may have discovered the fact that my dad never wanted to adopt to begin with.

Myth Busting

Myth~ Adoptees who have great parents should have no desire to search.

“Myth is not a story told for its own sake. It shows us how we should behave.”

Everyone understands the natural order of things regarding procreation; it takes both female and male participation. It is a simple and indisputable fact. Just because we think we have outsmarted natural creation due to our desire (or need depending on who you’re talking to) to do things unconventionally doesn’t mean we can pretend natural order doesn’t exist. If you are alive then there is a female and a male out there who are responsible. Period. So why support the myth that implies the level of nurturing we receive growing up has anything at all to do with whether or not we have a desire to know the nature of our existence? Isn’t the distinction clear enough? It’s apples and oranges. A person could have the worlds best upbringing and still desire to know something about those responsible for their creation. It’s not that complicated.

Myth~ If we use words like “donor” and “birthparent” it diminishes their importance.

Myth is about the unknown; it is about that for which initially we have no words. Myth therefore looks into the heart of a great silence.”

Usually the only time you hear an adoptee refer to their adoptive parent in any capacity other than “mother or “father” is when we have to make a verbal distinction between our biological mother or father and our nurturer(s). Society came up with words like donor and birthparent to fill the silence left by the uncomfortable void that was created when it separated nature and nurture. The titles are a myth. Titles may fill the void for society but calling them by a new name doesn’t mask reality for us. They are who they are. By denying us the ability to know our origins you force our identity to remain stuck in that dark void. The titles diminish nothing. Without nature there would be nothing to nurture. You may call them whatever you choose but those responsible for our existence are crucial to our identity. As they should be. Duh.

Myth~ Sealed adoption records have little or no effect on a well adjusted adoptee.

“A myth {therefore} is true because it is effective, not because it gives us factual information. If, however, it does not give us new insight into the deeper meaning of life, it has failed. If it works, that is, if it forces us to change our minds and hearts, gives us new hope, and compels us to live more fully, it is a valid myth.”

We absolutely can be effectively nurtured/mothered/fathered by a surrogate. I don’t think anyone would dispute that. But for whatever reason society has created the myth that once adopted our creators can be completely eradicated from our lives with little or no repercussion. Not replaced mind you, but actually eradicated from existence. Poof, gone, kaput. As if our actual creation is of little consequence! If you think this does not have an effect on ALL adoptees then I dare you to find one among us that has never once had issues surrounding their birthday. After all why would we want to celebrate a moment in time that we are repeatedly told by society is so damn inconsequential? Shameful? Secretive? Disgraceful? Vault of Shame bad? Sure, lets throw a party.

To deny us the natural ability to acknowledge our creators is to somehow ask us to believe we do not exist. And if you think not knowing WHO you are is damaging, you should try not knowing IF you are on for size. I’m sure this will be instant brain freeze for most non-adopted people, it’s a very challenging thing to try to put into words, but I honestly believe that’s why you hear so many adoptees say they finally feel grounded, tethered to the earth, real, once they are given even one single piece of information about their origins. It’s actual proof that they do in fact exist, that they came from somewhere, that they have a beginning and did not just materialize out of thin air. It matters. If you’re not adopted you’ll just have to trust me on that one.

Myth~ The adoptees I know have no desire to search, are just fine, are perfectly content, don’t care etc….”

“Like poetry and music, mythology should awaken us to rapture, even in the face of death and the despair we may feel at the prospect of annihilation. If a myth ceases to do that, it has died and outlived its usefulness.”

All of us come to the party wearing the same hat, telling the same stories, perpetuating the same myths, because that is what we have all been taught. When it comes to adoption, society continues to perpetuate myths that have completely outlived their usefulness. Not only have the myths become useless, they have become downright damaging.

This is why I question the truthfulness of adoptees who continue to perpetuate these myths. I can almost hear what’s coming so let me answer it now. Yes, who knows, maybe it’s MY version of what ails the adoptee clan that is a myth. Maybe it’s the “perfectly happy and content to know nothing” adoptees that have it all figured out. I don’t know. What I DO know is that out of all the adoptees I have come into contact with over the years (and there have been so damn many I lost count….hundreds though) ALLLLLLL of them, as in 100%, have taken OFF that hat when they got even remotely close to knowledge of their origins. They dropped the myths because they no longer applied. That’s all I’m saying. Myths are stories and stories tend to change as truth is revealed.

*Quotes taken from; A Short History of Myth by Karen Armstrong

Myth

“A one sentence definition of mythology? “Mythology” is what we call someone else’s religion”

~Joseph Campbell

There was a very destructive comment made on Private Practice last night that still has me rolling my eyes.

Dr. Cooper says; “I’m adopted but I’ve never searched for my birthparents because my parents were great.”

Where do you suppose this myth originated? And make no mistake it IS a myth. I can buy the idea that if you had parents who were absolutely awful you might be inclined to search sooner but what in the WORLD would make people think that a person who happens to have “great” parents would somehow escape the natural desire to know their origins?!!! Seriously, who in their right mind would believe such a thing? Sadly, this particular myth appears to be assimilated as truth by most adoptees at one point or another.

I would like to believe we could find the origin of this myth simply stems from a misinformed society. I would really rather NOT believe this myth was purposely created and perpetuated by those who swear before God and man to provide us (adoptees) with the best care, both physically and emotionally, that they possibly can. Because that would not be so great.

This myth of course is just one example of many that as adoptees we are spoon fed from birth REGARDLESS if you grew up with a silver spoon or a Taco Bell spork. Unless you live in a cave no adoptee is immune.

Because of the mythical shroud wrapped so tightly around adoption I truly believe most if not all adoptees end up spending YEARS trying to undo the mental hijacking that happens to us from day one. As adoptees we must all go through the dirty job of untangling OUR truths from society’s myths and not a single one of us will escape this fate until society starts telling more accurate stories.

Honestly I think deep down every adoptee intuitively knows that the character of our adoptive parents really has nothing at all to do with wanting to know our origins. I would like to believe that when I hear an adoptee retell this myth that it is simply a case of misinformation having been fed to them by an uneducated public their entire lives and that they will discover the real story some day.

I would like to believe that every adoptee will eventually come to the realization that stories can be retold and at some point find themselves telling a new one created from their very own indisputable truth.

Intellectual Curiosity NOT for Adoptees

I was sent this article written by Rabbi Shmuley which is entitled “Developing a Desire to Know”. In this article Rabbi Shmuley states “instilling a sense of intellectual curiosity is crucial for helping your child grow and thrive well into adulthood”.

A few months back I was flipping through stations and stopped on XM Radio. This Rabbi Shmuley schmuck happened to be on and the subject matter (adoption) immediately caught my attention.

Rabbi Shmuley mentioned that a young adoptee (I think he said she was 14) had come to him troubled about how much she thought about her biological parents and wondered if this was normal. I became infuriated when I heard him advise this poor girl to QUIT thinking about it. His superior advice was your typical run of the mill “the parents who raised you are your REAL parents” speech and blatantly told her to “quit thinking about it“. End of discussion.

That’s rich Rabbi Shmuley. RICH!

I guess intellectual curiosity can be added to the long list of things that simply do not apply to adoptees.

Crittenton President Responds

Thanks for running our press release with information about the Crittenton Connections registry. While there is indeed currently a search function for the database–based on your feedback, we understand that it is not doing the job, and will make changes to create a tool that is more useful to people searching for family members as the database gets bigger.

The registry is a response to the phone calls received by us and our family of agencies—instead of trying to deal with these calls arbitrarily, we’re working to develop a system that in some way can assist in connecting adult adoptees, birth parents and family members.

While for most of our 125 year history we placed a priority on keeping mothers and babies together–we are very aware that there was a period of time when this was not true and that not all young women who came through the doors of Crittenton agencies/homes had a positive experience. We are in no way attempting to minimize the damage, loss or pain–or to try to make amends. But rather, we want to provide support as we can–as such, we welcome your suggestions and those of others.

I do want you to know that we do respect your perspective and will not just write it off. Perhaps there is little solace in this, but Crittenton homes did learn from those years, and today the Crittenton agencies look very different as do the young women with which they work–but the cornerstone they share is the passionate belief that young women must make their own decisions for themselves and their children. Thank you for taking the time to making suggestions that will help us do a better job.

Jeannette Pai-Espinosa
President

In response to Ms. Pai-Espinosa;

It is of some comfort that you are taking the time to listen to our concerns. That is rare in our world. Thank you for your time.

I must say based on both the history of Crittenton and information I have received regarding current practices I would not necessarily agree that keeping mothers and babies together is (or has ever been) a “priority”, but in all fairness that is entirely speculative. I’m sure there are certain people within your organization that keep family preservation as their number one goal but I am extremely skeptical that this is/has ever been a priority of the whole. After all NCF is in the business of adoption.

While I certainly agree that women should ultimately have the right to make their own decisions regarding themselves and their children, I also understand that in order to make those choices effectively they must be presented with factual information regarding both current AND future consequences of each path being considered. It has been my experience that young women are rarely counselled properly on the lifelong effects of placing a child for adoption. It is NOT something they magically “get over” as is often claimed. As I’m sure you are aware placing your child for adoption imparts LIFELONG effects on both mother AND CHILD. I understand sometimes adoption may be the best choice but unbiased facts should be presented regardless.

Facilitating the future of our children is a powerful position indeed. It would be gross negligence to hold this position and not always have the child’s best interests as your first priority. Wouldn’t you agree? When the choice to place a child is made (if in fact adoption is presented as a choice) and we are truly honoring the lifelong effects of this decision, we would be remiss to ignore the fact that this child will in fact grow up. The one party with no say in the matter and obviously most affected by this choice IS the child. If one is taking their job as steward of another human being’s life seriously, if they are truly considering the best interest of the child, one must look at the WHOLE picture. It has been proven extremely damaging, irresponsible and completely dismissive to be of the mind that this tiny human being (for which care has been placed in your hands) should never be entitled to the knowledge of their origins.

If we are to believe Crittenton has truly learned from the mistakes of the past, after having seen first hand the damage past practices has created, if you are TRULY listening……….then I guess it would be safe to assume we can count on your support for open records?

I look forward to your response.

Mia S.