Category Archives: Truthful Musings

Adoption Education

I had almost drifted off to sleep when someone in the front seat of the car said; “OH, did you hear So and So are going to ADOPT”. This was followed by abundant cheers from the other passengers along with the usual “it’s about time” and “oh, good for them they have wanted a baby for such a long time” etcetera etcetera. Of course the conversation continued and joyous details were shared. They are adopting from Russia, using an agency, going through home study, how the great expense is so worthwhile, followed by a lengthy discussion on the unreasonable adoption requirements of foreign countries.

I forced my eyes to remain closed and my mouth to remain shut.

Then someone asked the question I just knew was coming; why aren’t they adopting from here? This was followed by the usual uneducated rhetoric we have all come to know far too well. I trust I don’t even need to fill you in on what was said.

Still, I kept my mouth shut.

Then someone started talking about how they had seen on Oprah that women in Africa were having babies for people here in the states. That it was a win/win situation for all involved as these young women received more money than they had ever known to support their families and some childless couple from here got the baby they had always wanted.

“God works in wonderful ways.”

Oh for the love of PETE! That did it. TOTALLY against my will my eyes opened and the uncontrollable response spewed from my lips; HUMAN TRAFFICKING IS. NOT. OF. GOD.!!!

A great and heavy silence ensued. This was followed by a very meek request from the front seat that I explain myself. With a deep, regretful sigh I embarked on the journey knowing full well that once you begin down this road you can’t stop until you arrive safely on the shores of reason. Which can take a good long while. Dispelling life long social myth is such a monumental undertaking it just drains you of any and all energy you may have. The worst part is knowing full well that sometimes you are successful and sometimes you are not, that long held beliefs are hard to dispel in one conversation and that you always walk away never quite sure if you have been at all successful.

There are times when I just wish the uncontrollable necessity I feel to educate people on the subject of adoption would just take a flying leap. Sometimes I just wish my eyes and my mouth could just stay shut.

The next day though I got to spend the entire day with my favorite ULB which of course totally made up for all adopt o’ talk with the uneducated. I loves me some ULB.

Advertisements

15 Comments

Filed under Adoption Schmoption, Truthful Musings

Hellenlishly Funny

I am seriously considering asking dear Helen if she will adopt me.

2 Comments

Filed under Funny Honeys, Truthful Musings

Celeb Adoptomania and Moronic Adoption Language

I wonder if people truly realize how insulting the following language is to someone who is adopted. Based on comments I have received my whole life I know most people will read it and just get lost in the vision of the end result (I’ll take the Happy Family platter please). Sadly I think very few would understand how this whole thing comes across to an adoptee;

“The couple has come to a conclusion after several attempts of having a baby together. The 30 year-old {Ashton} Kutcher and Demi Moore, 40 have been together for six years and married for three and no baby was on his way even with in vitro fertilization.”

This is my personal fav;

An insider disclosed that “They had always resisted adoption because they wanted a baby of their own, but now everything has changed.”

And now for some completely worn out adoption ideology;

Kutcher has openly revealed that he and Demi have been considering to adopt an orphaned child together. “I have thought about adopting a kid my whole life,” he admitted, adding “When I was eight I had a friend called Terry and one day he told me he was adopted. “

He, furthermore, stated “He said his parents told him there was a more special bond between them because they picked him. I thought that was pretty profound and I would be open to the idea.”

Here is what I read;

Due to many failed attempts at harvesting from their very own orchard and with deep regret they resign themselves to do the next best thing- harvest elsewhere. Feebly disguised as a ride on the “Save An Orphan Train”, their ultimate goal is to procure a replacement baby. They plan to PICK one this summer.

And people wonder why we feel second best.

13 Comments

Filed under Adoption Schmoption, Media, Truthful Musings

“Hater” is kind of strong don’t you think?

I was going to let it go too. But everyone knows no self respecting hippie-type can be called a hater and let it go. I am all about the love man!

Apparently all of the attention you received from all of us ingrates has caused you much wailing and gnashing of teeth. It’s not easy seeing being green. Before your personal blog was protected from the wolves I could see that you definitely have people in your corner. There was a lot of this; “oh dear don’t let the haters get you down” and “they’re just bitter, angry adoptlings who come from gawd awful situations” and “you are a good parent (pats on the head) so don’t let anyone tell you different because you are doing God’s work” bull. As though this has anything at all to do with what kind of parenting skills you have.

You see it really doesn’t concern me how often you volunteer at your kids school or how many brownies you can bake in a day and I don’t hate you, I don’t even know you. I do have a huge problem with the business you are in though and THAT I will not mince words about. Like I said in my comment section nothing pisses me off more than people selling babies in the name of God.

I see the two “non-profits” you work for (run by Malcolm and Amy Young) also have a blog to further advertise their marketable product. I see that there you can also get up to the minute “situations” so I guess it’s good to check back regularly?

Here are just a few of the situations available next month;

African-American Boy, 2/17/09,SC, $21K

African-American Boy / Girl Twins, $33K, 2/1/09

Yes, I did notice that you get a discount if you buy two.

Be sure to ask about the minority discount!

I do have a question though. Is publicly advertising an infant for tens of thousands of UNNECESSARILY CHARGED dollars and basing that price tag on race considered human trafficking? I guess not as long as you throw in the word Christian.

Obviously my friend what I have failed to recognize is that if you preface your business with the word Christian and throw in some key bible verses for good measure all of this blatantly obvious marketing of human beings miraculously becomes- God’s work.

So sorry to have hurt your feelings my dear. Please go about your BUSINESS! And now that  you know I don’t hate you please do try to get some sleep.

16 Comments

Filed under Adoption Politics, Adoption Schmoption, Adoptive Family, Truthful Musings

A New Beginning

Holidays can be tricky for me. I either love em’ or hate em’ (unless of course it’s one of those neutral holidays like Groundhog Day, no real problem there). Even St. Patty’s day can be triggering for me because I always wonder if I actually HAVE a historical right to “proudly wear the green”. Another case in point for open records; think of all the millions of new fans good ole’ St. Pat could gain if records were opened! Maybe we should start praying to him for help. As a recovering Cathoholic it’s been a while since I’ve prayed to a saint but I would do it for the cause.

Christmas usually ranks first on my list of love em’ holidays (it always looks like Santa threw up in my living room) but this year the entire holiday season sucked eggs. I left most of my dozens of boxes of decorations packed away. It was a K.I.S.S. kind of Christmas with not even a hint of mistletoe to be found. I did just enough to keep the magic alive for my kids and even that was a strain.

I have never been a huge fan of New Year’s Eve (definitely in the “hate em'” category) but unlike years past, last night heralded in some measure of comfort for me. It represented a sort of tangible end to THE most difficult year ever. Beginning with the fallout with my natural mother, ending with the death of my adoptive mother and every traumatic representation of loss in between I was GLAD to see it go.

With everyone home for the holidays I was able to get  my computer moved downstairs and out of my Dad’s room which will help me get back to writing consistently. There was just no way I could write with his TV blaring two feet away. Having my dad here is going a little better by the way. We are all settling in to what it means to have an elderly person living in our home and although his Alzheimer’s is progressing to the next stage he too seems to be settling in pretty well to life in an active household. Our friends all think he’s “a hoot”. At our Christmas party they particularly enjoyed his uncanny ability to perform the flatulent version of Jingle Bells. Although I must say this raw, gastric talent of his is best enjoyed in the isles of Wal-Mart (because of the fantastic acoustics) it’s still a great party trick.  I keep asking them if they would like to have live in entertainment. No bites yet.

So you may just see more of me now. With 08′ behind me and my computer in a space that allows for the solitude needed to produce actual THOUGHT I now have a fighting chance. The first thing I am going to do is get caught up with my friends. I haven’t been able to read blogs consistently in months and I miss everyone. Then I’m going to see what I can do to lend a hand for the big day in Philly.

When I sat down to blog this morning I was actually going to begin by responding to that “you are an ungrateful and bitter anti-adoption nazi who must want children to flounder in filthy orphanages” comment but I really need to EASE myself back in so that will have to wait. A bit of eye rolling is all I can muster at this time. Hey, something to look forward to right?

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!

To new beginnings; Cheers!

3 Comments

Filed under Life in general, Truthful Musings

Adopting My Dad

I really think I am trying to accomplish the impossible and quite frankly for the LIFE of me I can’t come up with a sensible reason why. My dad is incredibly difficult which I knew BEFORE I moved him in here last month but our backs really were against the wall. It’s a fairly long story but the short version is that his caretaker took care of my dad AND his bank account.

I actually think I am doing a pretty good job with the day to day things like remembering his pills, taking him to the Dr., getting him to change his clothes (yes, this is actually an issue). I am even staying relatively sane in spite of having NFL Total Access blaring on the TV from 7 am until 10:30 p.m.. It’s his temper that I am having a hard time with because he’s mean. He has always been mean. He actually took a swing at me yesterday because I turned off the TV so we could talk for a moment. I’m not in any physical danger or anything, I mean he’s strong as hell but he is 84 years old so I’m much faster and I just moved out of his way. I stayed relatively calm but I CLEARLY informed him that I wasn’t a child anymore and that if it happened again he’d find himself sitting in the closest nursing home I could find.

I spent the rest of the day forcing images of the past out of my mind. Images of a time when I wasn’t 41 and he wasn’t 84 and I didn’t have any choice in the matter. Here’s an interesting fact; my brother (bio. son) has NEVER heard my dad so much as raise his voice. Seriously. Never. I on the other hand have spent YEARS trying to make peace with my childhood (my brother was long gone when I was adopted) and I think it is some sort of twisted irony that I have willingly put myself right back in that place I worked so hard to escape. Ironic…… or maybe MORonic.

The worst part is I actually feel some measure of guilt for being angry about the fact that it’s him here instead of my mom. She and I had issues for SURE but she would have acknowledged my children were in the room and loved them, she would have been aware of the sacrifice we were all making by having her live in our home. There would have been some measure of gratitude involved (now THERE’S some irony). Not so with my dad. He believes the world is here to serve him which is exactly what I do.

Why?

Crazy for sure and I really can’t answer that yet. The only thing I can think is that he is my father and despite everything- I do love him- and I love my brother -even though neither of them make it very easy to do. I guess I want my kids to know that this is what families do for one another, that love isn’t always reciprocated and reciprocation isn’t WHY we love anyway.

And then I think that all sounds like a bunch of crap and I really have NO IDEA why I’m doing it.

You know, sometimes I wonder what kind of family the social worker that facilitated my adoption has. What did her model of “family” look like? What personal criteria did she pull from when she made her decision? I wonder if she lives in a nursing home now or if her adult children are caring for her? Mostly I ask myself why she didn’t question the motives of two people wanting to adopt after 21 years? Had she DONE that she may have discovered the fact that my dad never wanted to adopt to begin with.

7 Comments

Filed under Adoptive Family, Life in general, Truthful Musings

Myth Busting

Myth~ Adoptees who have great parents should have no desire to search.

“Myth is not a story told for its own sake. It shows us how we should behave.”

Everyone understands the natural order of things regarding procreation; it takes both female and male participation. It is a simple and indisputable fact. Just because we think we have outsmarted natural creation due to our desire (or need depending on who you’re talking to) to do things unconventionally doesn’t mean we can pretend natural order doesn’t exist. If you are alive then there is a female and a male out there who are responsible. Period. So why support the myth that implies the level of nurturing we receive growing up has anything at all to do with whether or not we have a desire to know the nature of our existence? Isn’t the distinction clear enough? It’s apples and oranges. A person could have the worlds best upbringing and still desire to know something about those responsible for their creation. It’s not that complicated.

Myth~ If we use words like “donor” and “birthparent” it diminishes their importance.

Myth is about the unknown; it is about that for which initially we have no words. Myth therefore looks into the heart of a great silence.”

Usually the only time you hear an adoptee refer to their adoptive parent in any capacity other than “mother or “father” is when we have to make a verbal distinction between our biological mother or father and our nurturer(s). Society came up with words like donor and birthparent to fill the silence left by the uncomfortable void that was created when it separated nature and nurture. The titles are a myth. Titles may fill the void for society but calling them by a new name doesn’t mask reality for us. They are who they are. By denying us the ability to know our origins you force our identity to remain stuck in that dark void. The titles diminish nothing. Without nature there would be nothing to nurture. You may call them whatever you choose but those responsible for our existence are crucial to our identity. As they should be. Duh.

Myth~ Sealed adoption records have little or no effect on a well adjusted adoptee.

“A myth {therefore} is true because it is effective, not because it gives us factual information. If, however, it does not give us new insight into the deeper meaning of life, it has failed. If it works, that is, if it forces us to change our minds and hearts, gives us new hope, and compels us to live more fully, it is a valid myth.”

We absolutely can be effectively nurtured/mothered/fathered by a surrogate. I don’t think anyone would dispute that. But for whatever reason society has created the myth that once adopted our creators can be completely eradicated from our lives with little or no repercussion. Not replaced mind you, but actually eradicated from existence. Poof, gone, kaput. As if our actual creation is of little consequence! If you think this does not have an effect on ALL adoptees then I dare you to find one among us that has never once had issues surrounding their birthday. After all why would we want to celebrate a moment in time that we are repeatedly told by society is so damn inconsequential? Shameful? Secretive? Disgraceful? Vault of Shame bad? Sure, lets throw a party.

To deny us the natural ability to acknowledge our creators is to somehow ask us to believe we do not exist. And if you think not knowing WHO you are is damaging, you should try not knowing IF you are on for size. I’m sure this will be instant brain freeze for most non-adopted people, it’s a very challenging thing to try to put into words, but I honestly believe that’s why you hear so many adoptees say they finally feel grounded, tethered to the earth, real, once they are given even one single piece of information about their origins. It’s actual proof that they do in fact exist, that they came from somewhere, that they have a beginning and did not just materialize out of thin air. It matters. If you’re not adopted you’ll just have to trust me on that one.

Myth~ The adoptees I know have no desire to search, are just fine, are perfectly content, don’t care etc….”

“Like poetry and music, mythology should awaken us to rapture, even in the face of death and the despair we may feel at the prospect of annihilation. If a myth ceases to do that, it has died and outlived its usefulness.”

All of us come to the party wearing the same hat, telling the same stories, perpetuating the same myths, because that is what we have all been taught. When it comes to adoption, society continues to perpetuate myths that have completely outlived their usefulness. Not only have the myths become useless, they have become downright damaging.

This is why I question the truthfulness of adoptees who continue to perpetuate these myths. I can almost hear what’s coming so let me answer it now. Yes, who knows, maybe it’s MY version of what ails the adoptee clan that is a myth. Maybe it’s the “perfectly happy and content to know nothing” adoptees that have it all figured out. I don’t know. What I DO know is that out of all the adoptees I have come into contact with over the years (and there have been so damn many I lost count….hundreds though) ALLLLLLL of them, as in 100%, have taken OFF that hat when they got even remotely close to knowledge of their origins. They dropped the myths because they no longer applied. That’s all I’m saying. Myths are stories and stories tend to change as truth is revealed.

*Quotes taken from; A Short History of Myth by Karen Armstrong


2 Comments

Filed under Adoptee Family, Adoption Schmoption, Adoptive Family, Natural Family, Open Records, Truthful Musings