I turned 41 on Tuesday. YIPPEE KAY YAY YAYYYYEEEEE.
This is actually a good thing because my 40th year was probably the single most difficult year of my life. It was absolutely filled to the BRIM with loss. My birthday has always signified loss for me as well but this year I guess I was somewhat glad to see it come because I actually saw it as some measure of closure on the crapfest that was my 40th year.
Intuitively I knew 40 was going to be a huge transition for me. I just had no idea how huge that transition would be.
I lost both of my mothers. Which in and of itself is monumental. Technically speaking this would be the THIRD time I have lost a mother. Just in case anyone is counting.
I lost a friend. Actually I didn’t lose a friend so much as the vision of what that friendship actually was. As it turns out that friendship wasn’t what I thought it was at all. Being an eternal optimist has it’s drawbacks and I hate being taken advantage of. It makes me feel weak and stupid.
I lost my home. The timing of this one was what made it so difficult. I found out our home was being sold just a few days after my mom passed away. Moving has got to be THE most stressful thing to do on the planet but I had to consolidate my parents belongings as well as our own and move two households at the same time. This has just about done me in both physically and emotionally. I haven’t slept in weeks. My right arm is completely screwed up from overuse (painting, staining, carrying heavy boxes and furniture, running the saw, drill etc…). Even typing is painful. I have no idea what I have done to it but whatever it is it’s not good.
What makes this even more stressful is that we went ahead and moved in to our new home based on a pre-approval. Not the smartest thing in the world to do but time was a factor due to the sale of our old home. We really had no choice. Now with the current National effed up state of affairs the lender is requiring us to jump through even more hoops than usual to get this loan. Some of which I have no idea how we will pull off. I just know we must. As God is my witness people if this falls through I’m going to sit on the rocking chair on my front porch with a shotgun in my lap like some scary scene from the movie Deliverance. Because I’M. NOT. GOING. ANYWHERE!!!!! I absolutely love my new home by the way. This 200 year old stone farmhouse is wonderful, leaks and all. It’s a dream come true for me. I’ll post pictures soon.
I’ll tell you my family just about completely fell apart through all of this. We all felt like we were hanging on by a thread. Even my four year old felt the pressure and revisited the terrible twos. Kids sense stress even when you try to protect them from it (which we tried to do around every corner) and they act accordingly. Life has been less than pleasant around here but I will say we ARE slowly unpacking some measure of normalcy.
I haven’t had even the slightest desire to write until today. I actually almost decided to call it a day on everything internet related (yes, again) but I changed my mind. I think there might come a time in the near future where that choice would be regretted. I mean life has to get back to normal at some point!
So as I close the door on chapter 40 I am really going to try and view the clean, white pages of chapter 41 with the eyes of the eternal optimist that I know still exists inside of me, the person that IS me. I know I’m in there somewhere because I keep hearing the words to that George Michael song playing in my head…..
You gotta’ have faith a faith a faith!