I held her hand all night long, watching her labored breathing and wondering if each breath would be her last, thinking her the most beautiful woman in the world. Her mind is fighting but her body is winning. My mom fears death and she has a strong mind so the battle rages on.
Her eyes are glassed over and hazy but there are moments of clarity, of recognition. She looks at me and whispers my name, I smile and tell her that I love her, she tries to smile back. I laid down next to her and held her realizing life was coming full circle as the many times she held me in her arms when I was ailing played in my mind.
She can barely speak but at one point my mom cried out “NO MOMMY, NOOOO!” And then she whispered….”not yet”. I held her close and kissed her telling her it was OK to go. That we would be fine. To not be afraid anymore. Trying to believe those words myself so she can truly feel it (my heart to hers) is the hardest thing I have ever had to do because I am afraid and I don’t know how I will be OK. I only know I have to find a way to believe these things for her sake. I want to selflessly respect and honor her journey but my own selfish internal battle ensues every time I think of life without my mom physically present.
And so it goes……..her mother is calling her home and her daughter is trying desperately to let her go.