I held her hand all night long, watching her labored breathing and wondering if each breath would be her last, thinking her the most beautiful woman in the world. Her mind is fighting but her body is winning. My mom fears death and she has a strong mind so the battle rages on.

Her eyes are glassed over and hazy but there are moments of clarity, of recognition. She looks at me and whispers my name, I smile and tell her that I love her, she tries to smile back. I laid down next to her and held her realizing life was coming full circle as the many times she held me in her arms when I was ailing played in my mind.

She can barely speak but at one point my mom cried out “NO MOMMY, NOOOO!” And then she whispered….”not yet”. I held her close and kissed her telling her it was OK to go. That we would be fine. To not be afraid anymore. Trying to believe those words myself so she can truly feel it (my heart to hers) is the hardest thing I have ever had to do because I am afraid and I don’t know how I will be OK. I only know I have to find a way to believe these things for her sake. I want to selflessly respect and honor her journey but my own selfish internal battle ensues every time I think of life without my mom physically present.

And so it goes……..her mother is calling her home and her daughter is trying desperately to let her go.



Filed under Truthful Musings

11 responses to “Exhale

  1. suz


  2. ((mia)))

    praying for you and your mom

  3. Oh {{Mia}} … my heart is breaking for you. It is such a gift to be able to be there and hold her at this time. I know all too well the pain you are in…I lost my mom in 2002 (she died unexpectedly and alone) and it does get better but you never fully recover. Some days after all these years I almost pick up the phone to call her. I pray that you will find peace and your mom will as well. Thinking of you!

  4. ((((Mia))))

    I’m thinking of you and your mom, Mia.

  5. (((Mia))) ~ I’m so sorry you are going through this, and am praying for strength and peace…

  6. Oh, Mia. Thinking of you and your mom tonight.

  7. simplegracethirst

    Hi Mia,
    I don’t know you, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Last year I held my dad as he passed away just as the sun was coming up. He was scared, he knew it was coming, he was asking for help. It is undoubtedly the hardest thing I have ever gone through and yet, at the same time it was a gift. And grief is so hard. Take care.

  8. Oh, (((Mia))), I’m so sorry. Thoughts and prayers for you and your mom.

  9. Mia I wrote on your next entry as well, but this too is what happened with my Mum, although she did not speak….but as she lay dying I sang Amazing Grace to her..and told her it was ok to go, but in my heart I did not want her to go…its only a short time until her 8th anniversary of passing and it still wounds like a knife…
    I’m so very sorry for your loss (((hugs)))

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