My son asked if I had seen this video yet. He and I have very similar musical taste although his tends to be slightly more conservative than mine lol.
After watching this video I was struck by what a hauntingly accurate depiction it is of how I felt during my search. You see it took me a long time to get the courage up to just be honest with myself about my need to search. When I finally mustered up the courage to do so it took even longer to let the fact that I was searching be known. When I did finally begin to talk about it I received the usual discouraging and ignorant remarks from just about everyone I encountered. I knew nothing of online support back then. I’m not sure it even existed. I remember feeling very alone. I was tired and scared. Scared about what I might find, scared that I would not find anything. I was terrified I would be rejected (which I was). Scared of having this desire to know which I had been led to believe by society was NOT normal. Basically I was scared of everything and nothing.
In this video I associated the jeering people with those who made those constant stupid remarks like “why would you do this to your poor parents?” and the man at the top of the hill looked a lot like Catholic Charities to me. But I kept climbing. I dug my hands in and clawed my way upward. I didn’t allow anyone to stop me. I am not unique by the way. That kind of bravery can be found in each and every adoptee you encounter that decides to search.
You know what I wish? I wish one day it wouldn’t be brave of us at all. One day I wish it would be viewed as completely normal for us to find that lost part of ourselves. So normal in fact that it is expected. Instead of a rock throwing crowd we are met with outstretched hands helping us up that mountain.
Anyway, as the video came to a close I began to think that it is some kind of messed up that I seem to associate so much in my life with adoption. I mean I can’t even watch one freaking music video without making the connection. I’m thinking “what is WRONG with me?!”
Then my son turned and with tears in his eyes he said to me;
“I think he was climbing to his mother“.
Away from the Sun