“The underlying emotion that governs all the activity of the ego is fear. The fear of being nobody, the fear of nonexistence, the fear of death.”
I took in a sharp breath when I read that. I had this AHA moment and realized that the emotional pain surrounding my lack of identity as an adoptee has everything to do with my fear of nonexistence. To someone who has tangible proof (in the form of verbal historical identity passed down by natural family members or factual documentation such as a TRUTHFUL birth certificate) this may seem kind of silly. If you look at it from a more ethereal standpoint it IS rather silly but my mind (ID, ego, whatever you want to call it) has made it a VERY REAL condition causing emotional, psychological AND physical pain. As it has for many others.
For me the issue of open records has been one of civil rights which I feel has been ignored by our society for far too long. For this reason I have found myself living in constant battle mode ready to fight for my rights at a moments notice. With some objective personal observation it’s easy to see how I have allowed myself to get completely wrapped up in what SHOULD be and how that has somehow made me lose my sense of Self in the process. It happens to people all the time. They lose themselves by getting enmeshed in a belief structure (right vs wrong) but I believe the impact for an adoptee fighting for open records becomes even more profound because for all practical purposes we have never really known what true identity feels like. We have always operated from the belief structure of: “I don’t know who I am.”
I will never stop working toward the goal of open records but I am at a point where it has become crucial that I find a way to continue working toward that goal and still maintain a sense of peace, where my brain stops completely running the show and I just AM. The place inside myself that is not floating about in space waiting for validation of my existence from an outside source. I have to find a way to live a positive and healthy life void of depression due to issues of identity loss. I can’t wait for others to do the right thing and hand that to me, to validate me. Every time I look outside myself for validation I set myself up for disappointment.
“What is spiritual realization? The belief that you are spirit? No, that’s a thought. A little closer to the truth than the thought that believes you are who your birth certificate says you are, but still a thought. Spiritual realization is to see clearly that what I perceive, experience, think, or feel is ultimately NOT who I am, that I cannot find myself in all those things that continuously pass away.”
Easy for someone to say who HAS their birth certificate isn’t it? BUT, but….what if there is some truth to that? What if I could work toward the goal of open records (my incredibly important human identity) AND yet be at peace with the idea that ultimately my more factual, solid and substantial identity comes from within, from consciousness, and NOT from the stories my mind tells me about my self worth? The stories of course are based on my experiences and what I have been taught throughout my life. As an adoptee I can say with all certainty that those experiences and the things I have been told are NOT reliable sources for TRUTH.
“Can I sense my essential identity as consciousness itself? Or am I losing myself in what happens, losing myself in the mind, in the world?”
A resounding YES, I am losing myself and it comes from me not being able to STAND the idea that others have DEEMED me unworthy of MY identity. It comes from living 40 years with the belief structure that society has taught me in which I as an adoptee am simply not worthy. Well here’s the thing, I no longer want to give them that kind of power over me. As I see it there is only one way to take back my sense of Self and that is to find a stronger identity from within. A much more reliable source by the way.
“Illusion will never satisfy you. Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free.”
We can never stop working toward the goal of open records because our human identity IS a valuable tool for productive growth. I just think it’s time we stopped allowing those who would see us not reach that goal ALSO strip us of our inner strength, our core, the essence of WHO WE ARE. Because inside of us is everything. We have to stop listening to the stories.
I Am. I know it’s there, waiting for me. It always has been and it always will be. How do I get there? I need to shut my mind up long enough for one and stop listening to the clutter of years of false beliefs that have been crammed down my throat. To be still and listen to it call my name.
The way I see it looking within (that place of pure consciousness) to the very core of our existence allows us to finally feel what true identity is all about and as am_ris said nobody can take that from us. Nobody.
Quotes taken from the book A New Earth which I am still loving and appreciating a great deal.