My hands hurt from playing Guitar Hero III with my son for hours on end since Christmas morning but now that I am an official guitar goddess I’m going to ignore the cramp and write anyway.
My brother and my parents came for dinner on Christmas Eve (we don’t go anywhere on Christmas day and just spend it in our PJ’s playing with our new toys). As expected after we ate my parents stood up from the dinner table and headed for the door, my brother practically having to run after them. I mean the forks were still rattling on the plate as they drove off. Because I know how things will go down it doesn’t bother me anymore. I prepare myself for it and truth be told it’s not such a bad thing. My mom is just so sad all of the time and even being in the presence of her grandchildren does nothing to cheer her. Sadly she is not even slightly enjoyable to be around anymore. I love her and that’s hard to say but it’s true. I wish there was something I could do but she has chosen her path and there is nothing I can do to help her. God knows I’ve tried.
I think we spend a lot of wasted time envisioning how we wish our families will “act” when we know darn good and well they will be as they are, as they always have been. I am a fixer by nature so for years I spent a sick amount of time trying to “fix” my parent’s situation. A better living arrangement, better doctors, better care etc… all ideas were met with opposition. But I now know that even if I had succeeded it isn’t anything tangible that would suddenly make my parents enjoy life, it is a positive state of mind that they lack. So I have learned to let go.
I have let go of a lot of things this past year. I let go of the hope that any sort of positive relationship will come from my natural mother and my siblings. I did a great job this Christmas of NOT thinking of them…….much. Again I think it’s just wasted time. At some point you just have to accept things as they are. I am also beginning to realize that I don’t necessarily think having a relationship with them would be such a plus anyway. My natural mother is as unstable as my adoptive mother and I REALLY don’t need two of THAT.
Through my years of search and reunion (or lack there of) I have met so many wonderful people. I am really quite blessed. I have friends that feel like family to me, closer than anything I have ever experienced in my own family unit. One friend in particular has taken me into the fold of his own very close family and they ALL treat not only me but my entire family as one of their own. My daughter came home from her basketball game the other day and the first thing she wanted to do was call R to let him know she had won. This in and of itself may not seem like such a big deal but to me it was monumental. There had not been anyone (no grandparent or uncle) that my kids had to get excited about sharing things with. My husband and I were it. We do a pretty great job but how cool for them to have someone outside of the two of us that actually cares about whats going on in their lives.
I have friends who call to see how I’m doing, friends who thought of me this holiday and sent Christmas gifts and cards to brighten my day. I know if I needed someone to talk to it would be the friends I have met along this journey that I can depend on. What a fabulous payoff at the end of my search considering I had such a CRAPPY outcome with my natural family.
Christmastime usually makes me focus on what I don’t have but this year I made it a point to bathe myself in what I DO have and that has made all the difference. I came out whole. This Christmas blue has just been an obnoxious color on those strands of LCD lights that make you go blind if you stare at them for too long. I decided this Christmas just to NOT stare at them. There are plenty of other colors to enjoy. Who needs blue.