Rejection? So what!

It’s a disease. Always trying to please others, thinking of my own feelings last, harboring a crippling fear of rejection, allowing others to treat me unkind if that’s what they feel they must do to be a presence in my life.

Obviously I don’t think this mentality is exclusive to adoptees but I’ll tell you I know for a fact these character traits are VERY common among us. I have watched so many of us give up following our bliss to avoid rejection. We make exceptions with our careers, our friends, our lifestyles. We shift our likes and dislikes to match more closely with those whom we are trying to keep close. We try and try again and allow ourselves to be treated poorly by people we don’t even necessarily like because we tell ourselves we love them, they are important to us, we need them.

No greater example of this is there than what I have allowed to happen in my life by the woman who gave birth to me.

And for what?

For six years I have done my best to be respectful, understanding and kind. Six years is a very long time to try. Unexpectedly I woke one morning recently and decided I had had enough. I wrote a letter. It wasn’t a happy letter, it wasn’t my usual bend-over-backwards kind but it was honest and real and raw. For some strange reason at that moment I felt it was time I stood up and took care of me. For some reason beyond my comprehension I found a part of my soul I didn’t even know existed. I found self- love, I found pride. I think pride gets a bad rap. I think pride isn’t so bad after all.

So I sat down and wrote. The dam broke and truth, passion and courage poured out of me. I set the record straight. I told her about parts of me that I wanted her to know because for six years she hadn’t bothered to ask. Then I filled out the form and wrote the check necessary to obtain my OBC and took it to the notary. I have been holding on to that form for all these years, afraid to ask her to sign it (because I need her permission to obtain my birth certificate). Then I put it all in an envelope and took it to the post office and sent it certified. The woman at the post office thought I was certifiable myself because I wouldn’t let go of the envelope when she tried to take it. I told her I wasn’t sure. I knew that sending this letter most likely meant the end of any possibility of a relationship with the woman who gave birth to me.

In the end I let go. I let go of the letter. I let go of her.

It may seem silly but after all these years I think it would have been nice to have the last word because in essence it has been the ONLY word I have gotten. The only voice in forty years I have had. But that was not to be. Five days later an envelope showed up in my mailbox. My husband reluctantly held it up. I asked him to read it. I knew by his face that it wasn’t good.

The Reply:

The first thing he handed me was the form for my OBC and my check with VOID sprawled across it in red pen.

I will not be getting my birth certificate.

The letter was nasty, mean and intentionally hurtful. In a delusional fury she claims she does not believe I am her daughter in one sentence and that I am selfish and I obviously take after my father in another. The father she claims she does not know. I cannot begin to convey to you how incredibly cruel her letter was. I will spare you, just believe me when I say I cannot begin to tell you how entirely awful it was.

Facing my fear:

She ended it by saying; RELATIONSHIP OVER! No signature. Just….RELATIONSHIP OVER!

I can’t say I am surprised nor can I say I am even losing anything. Certainly not a relationship because we never had that. The loss of my mother happened forty years ago. It’s an old wound scarred over by years of wonder and fantasy. Losing her a second time hasn’t even happened because I never really had her back in my life.

I’m not really sure how I feel about this. Sad, maybe a little relieved that the torture and anguish I allowed is finally over? I just don’t know. She is right about one thing -I have now learned that sometimes it’s necessary to be selfish.  I had a good teacher for six long years. I now know that selfish has it’s place and can be as important a protective measure as pride. I am not suggesting selfish and prideful are characteristics to strive for but at the end of the day they can serve as salve for a wounded soul.

So on that note……….. sad, relieved or whatever I know one thing for certain and I am publicly stating this:

Rejection- you can BITE ME!!! You don’t scare me anymore.

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21 Comments

Filed under Truthful Musings

21 responses to “Rejection? So what!

  1. Polly

    Mia, I was sad to read your account. You don’t deserve that. No one does. She sounds like a bitter small person whose personal issues have probably haunted her for most of her life, and you are caught up in it. There must be others in her life also caught up in it, but that is little consolation when it is aimed at you. I wish it had turned out better for you. It makes me wonder what in her past haunts her to have such an awful attitude toward you.

  2. Amy

    Holy crap Mia. I am so so sorry. You don’t deserve that. Don’t worry we will get the laws changed. As God as my witness, I will get them changed in this country. My heart just went to my gut with this story. I hurt so badly for you.

  3. I know that is the one good thing about all this, we have already been through more than likely the worst thing we will ever go through in our lifetime.

    Sometimes I think of this when people try to intimidate me in real life, I think but you can’t scare me, you don’t know who you are fucking with.

    It is not your fault Mia, but it sure sucks, and I am sorry.

  4. rob

    I can only say that I am very sorry, Mia. You do not deserve that reaction at all… it is so unfortunate that so many of us human beings fall so short of living up to even the basic levels of tact and expectations.

    Blessings to you, and I pray that you will stay strong and know that you are loved and appreciated by many.

  5. Beautiful Mia~
    I’ve sat here for so long trying to think of the right thing to say.

    This is so wrong, you did not deserve this. I am so sorry. I love you.

  6. Sorry Mia. Thats just so wrong of her.

  7. suz

    mia – i am so sorry. i so dont understand. she is so wrong and doesnt really how much she is truly losing. i am so sorry. i wish i had a daughter like you. hugs.

  8. dory

    Mia – I am so sorry she didn’t give you a chance. She’s the big loser here – how she could not be proud to have you in her life is beyond me. Hugs to you my fellow adoptee.

  9. What can I write that hasn’t been written already?

    Nothing.

    You are a good person. You are worthy of love and compassion.

    And you deserve better.

    Hold your head up high, sister.

    We all love you.

  10. Elizabeth

    How awful. I echo the comments above. You deserve so much better.

    {{{{Mia}}}

  11. Mia, I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for you and all of the pain she has caused. . . I wish I had more comforting words. . . I’m just so sorry, Mia.

    ((((((Mia))))))

  12. Oh. F*ck.
    No words.
    Just. Crying.
    I’m so so sorry.
    For all of us.
    Why don’t people get how much this f*cking hurts.
    Poss. xx

  13. Oh my fucking god, FUCK!

    Fuck. Closure of sorts, maybe, but jesus, FUCK. I am so sad. Angry for you. I just don’t get it.

    Her loss.

    I LOVE YOU MIA.

    (((((((((((((MIA)))))))))))

  14. mia

    Thank you all for being so supportive. It means so much to me, you just have no idea.

    You know I was thinking last night that had my reunion gone well I probably wouldn’t have decided to blog. Honestly I probably wouldn’t have decided to get involved in support groups, search support and reform either. I have met so many amazing people that in retrospect (knowing what kind of person my mother is) I can’t help but think the trade off was well worth it.

    XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

  15. Cath

    Dear Mia

    My heart goes out to you.

    I really don’t understand how some mothers can cut their offspring out of their life – it is very sad and very terrible for all.

    I could never do that to my found son
    ( I have told him to get his OBC when Ontario opens the records next year and that I will not stop him from doing so).

    ((((HUGS))))

    Cath

  16. HeatherUK

    Dearest Mia
    I’m so so sorry you’ve been treated this way. You don’t deserve this.

    I’m crying tears for you and all the other adoptees who have been through this kind of shite. I’m so angry, more than angry, I’m furious

    Huge hugs to a strong lady – you have reached out and helped so many adoptees like me and you deserve better, so much better

    Continue to look after you lovely lady ((((Mia))))

  17. Mia,

    What a nightmare of a letter to receive. Your mother sounds like she’s desperately fighting to stay in denial, while “intellectually” understanding that she gave birth to you. It almost seems like she has a it’s “me or her” survival mindset. I’m so sorry.

    I also wanted to say how much of what you wrote so resonated with me…about the people pleasing.

    I’m proud of you for having the courage to write the words you needed to say. You are a very strong and resilient person.

  18. Stewie

    OH Mia. I just don’t have the right words. This is SO nightmarish. You are SO strong, you are in my thoughts and I heart heart heart you. ((((Mia)))) xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  19. irisheyes

    Mia, I’m at a total loss for words at the moment. I just want you to know I’m thinking of you. And I’m so very sorry.

  20. 2B True

    Mia – I can so relate to how you felt in recieving her response. It took courage for you to write your true voice.

    ((((HUGS)))))

    Sharon

  21. That really sucks, Mia, and I’m so so sorry. You’re a beautiful person.

    *big hugs*

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