It’s not as sad as it seems. Saying goodbye to my fantasies requires mourning the loss of something cherished and I cherished the HELL out of my dreams. So I AM in mourning. The difference this time is that I know the dark cloud that hovers above my head will break and the sun WILL shine and I will feel it’s warmth more strongly than I ever have before.
You see I set about creating a reality based upon the vision of how I thought things would be. That is what I held in my mind with white knuckles. The vision was created by expectations about other people’s character and their presumed actions, by how I thought they SHOULD be, not at all how they actually are.
I firmly believe in the Law of Attraction. I believe we can create that which we desire by thought but not at the expense of another’s free will. I finally realize that the things we desire must be things we wish only to see achieved/obtained……… within.
This is all inclusive for me and is compromised of many situations in my life but using my mother as an example here I will say that I realized it wasn’t HER (as an individual) I desired, it was an EXPERIENCE. The experience of giving and receiving love from my mother is what I desired. The thing I realized is that she cannot stop me from giving her love. I’m not talking about giving her love in the physical sense (calling her, writing her etc…) because that is done with the expectation of receiving something in return and I absolutely REFUSE to have that expectation anymore. The only expectations I have are now in ME. I have the ability to offer love, understanding, compassion (not to be confused with pity) to her every single day in my thoughts and by doing so I give the best of myself. And when you give the best of yourself to the Universe that is what you get in return. If my life is filled with all of those wonderful things, if I am giving all of those wonderful things to the world then that is what I shall get back ten fold.
My fantasies, my dreams were Almost Lovers to me. I carried them in my heart and they never failed to disappoint. I am not DOING anymore, I am simply BEING. I am being me; strong, creative, happy, confident, joyful, stubborn, courageous, compassionate, loving………me and I have absolutely no doubt that that these beautiful gifts are EXACTLY what I will receive in kind. I AM my mother and she is me. To offer these gifts to myself is to offer them to her and you and everyone else in the world because the whole POINT is that we are ALL ONE.
So yea, I am mourning the loss of some dreams like the experience with my mother, the actual experience of her physically being in my life. But I am not devastated by the mourning THIS time because I KNOW it is being replaced by something FAR more important: My Life. On purpose and by design.
Oh, and I am SO ready to kick some ass with that video. To those involved with that: Thanks for being patient with me while I figured out my life. I love you all more than I can say.