Newbie Alert!

You can spot em’ a mile away. NEWBIE!!!! The thing I find so interesting is that the steps are always the same. Each adoptee comes into this thing exactly the same way. As I said earlier some meander so slowly it doesn’t even look like they are moving and some bolt down the path at lightening speed but it’s alllllllll the same worn path.

What IS this? Conditioned responses, learned behavior, systematic, on purpose and by design. If anyone out there doesn’t think there is a problem with the mindset of society surrounding adoption they only need look at the empirical evidence dished out by newbies.

“I have no desire to search for my birth family.” ” My parents are wonderful and THEY are my parents.”

As if seeking to discover ones full identity has ANYTHING at all to do with what sort of parents you were given. Rubbish.

“I just want to thank her for giving me life”

Oh this one is my favorite. If I had a nickel for every time I have heard this one I would be sipping an umbrella drink under a palm tree instead of writing this post. How many biological adults do you hear running around saying this to their parents? Ummm, it’s sort of a given isn’t it?

“I just want medical information”

So you don’t really want to know what nationality you are? Who you look like? Where you get your artistic ability? Your gift for numbers? You have absolutely NO desire to take a gander at the people who brought you into this world? Sure you don’t. Suuuurrrreeeee. You are ALLOWED to desire this information you know. It is perfectly natural to do so.

We have been where you are. We respect your journey and understand that you must take it – one step at a time. You can’t skip steps. Just know that when you get HERE we will be waiting with open arms. To welcome you. To embrace you. No judgment, no “I told you so”. Just us welcoming another.

Now I know that there will be those who will use this post as fodder for their misguided perspective on open records. I know there are going to be those who say “SEE! I TOLD you you don’t just want your records, that you would abuse the “privilege” of (your very own) information”. To that I would say…..if by abuse you mean I would use MY birth certificate to discover more about my true identity, discover more about myself then the answer is yes you are correct. HOWEVER, as things stand now I have absolutely NO control over if, when, why or how this is done.

I DO have the ability to be respectful, empathetic, compassionate if given the chance. We do not withhold all of society’s identities for fear that they will misuse or abuse the right. Abusing another’s privacy happens every single day outside of the adoption arena. That’s why we have things like restraining orders and stiff penalties for identity theft etc… In the scheme of things a very small percentage of people abuse others privacy. Open records is a civil right and is misrepresented when ANY “what if’s” are brought into it. I could “what if” YOU out of every single right you have if given the chance.

You want truth? I’ll give you truth. Do I want to know? You bet. Will I attempt to discover my identity if given my OBC? You bet. Do I have the ability to be respectful toward another’s wishes? A resounding YES to that as well. Do I think it’s right for a natural parent to deny contact? Morally – no I don’t think it is. However, they have the ability to do so and I have the ability to respect that.

You may not remove a civil right from someone because you THINK they will abuse it.

It is equally silly to say (RTL arguement) that I cannot have MY civil rights because someone ELSE may go off and get an abortion. That’s like me saying I am suspending your license because the guy down the road may get drunk and drive. It’s lunacy. LUNACY I TELL YA’!

How’s that for honest?



Filed under Truthful Musings

19 responses to “Newbie Alert!

  1. Mark Diebel

    If the right to a birth certificate (OBC) were like the right to bear arms, then we could shoot someone with the OBC and someone would still be arguing passionately that we be allowed to have it. (Automatic OBC’s at that….)

  2. I just love your honesty, Mia.

  3. I agree with you Mia….we should have our rights. It doesn’t mean we will necessarily excerise them, but that is an individual’s choice to do or not do so….not anyone elses in my opinion.

  4. Mark Diebel

    I’m trying to bolster your point… not there yet? The right to the OBC isn’t obvious. Why? Look how obvious the right to bear arms. With guns people shoot each other sometimes… and bears and deer. But no one argues passionately when the gun is abused that the right should be abandoned, do they? No, they argue all the harder that the right isn’t affected. Even when guns are abused, the right persists.

    The OBC just doesn’t rate. (But it should)

  5. mia

    OK that was much clearer. Thank you Mark. It’s actually a great analogy! Life, liberty and property are three of the most important rights we have. The OBC may not rate yet but it will my friend. It will.

    Thanks Rhonda and ditto.

    Absolutely LeRoy.

  6. Great post Mia.
    (I’m catching up after my internet connection went kappootsky for 2 weeks!!)
    Biggest hugs, Poss. xx

  7. mia

    Well I’m VERY glad you’re back Possum!

  8. I have this real tender spot in my heart whenever I hear any newbie say that. It’s like I’m listening to myself. So many times I said that to protect myself. It’s so safe to hide behind the emotional armor of just a last name… just my medical history.

    To say, I want a relationship with my mom, how scary is that?

  9. Polly as you can see I have deleted your comment. First of all this post wasn’t directed at any one person. It was all inclusive. I was this newbie too!!! That aside however you just crossed the line when you decided to comment unjustly on the situation with my natural mother and I.
    You said you come here to learn yet every single comment you have left me has been negative and insulting. I am asking you to please go and “learn” elsewhere and leave me alone.
    Thank You.

  10. FrendaMia

    I wish I could have kept all of the conversations we had when I began my search. I’m sure you remember some of them. I know I gave you the “my parents were great” line and I don’t have to find my bfamily all that bad. I also remember your responce to some of my comments………
    Nothing about the whole process is natural from the time we are born. It sets the tone for unatural feelings and curcumstances our whole life.
    Oh how much I have learned from you and others like you. Thanks
    Polly I don’t know what you said to Mia but I can tell you she dosen’t deserve any hurtfull comments. She has helped a lot of people with this process including me. Her only purpose in her blog or any of the other activities that she is involved with is for the good of others and her own peace of mind.


    Another great post by the wonderful Mia.

    Bella Mia, Cara Mia.

    Tu sei molto brava.

  12. mia

    (((Theresa))) It’s very scary. Very scary indeed. Worthwhile though!
    Emotional armor is a good description. When I hear these sorts of comments from newbies I get super sad too. I wish there was a magic wand we could wave over them to break through the fog but I really do believe the steps can’t be skipped. That’s why I come here and write so I can get my frustration with the whole situation out and hopefully not convey it when talking to newbies directly IRL.

    Thank you R. You’ve come a long way baby! xoxo

  13. mia

    I LOVE YOU KIM. You always know how to make me smile just when I need it most.

  14. Hey…just stumbled onto your blog and am enjoying reading it. I am an adoptive parent but she is only 2 so we haven’t gotten into anything “deep” yet. I do like to read and learn from those who are living with the questions my daughter will have so I can try and prepare myself. Thanks for sharing.

    Mama to the amazing Annslee : )

  15. mia

    Hi Laura, it’s very nice to meet you. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment!

  16. Stewie

    oh so true. Being out here, not being a newbie, is actually scary! Freeing and heart opening, but freakin scary. I SO said all those things, and also “I have known I was adopted for as long as I can remember, my parents never kept it a secret.” as if presenting us with a portion of reality was this super great thing…Great post Mia! xoxo

  17. Another fabulous post. You know I wish you would write more, but they are worth the wait 🙂

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