Lessons on Mother’s Day

I am starting to feel a sense of peace regarding my natural family and even my adoptive family to some extent. It has been a long and tumultuous journey getting to this place. I believe the lessons that I have learned along the way were lessons I was sent here to learn but that certainly hasn’t made the journey any easier. It has been a long haul and I am not there yet. I don’t think we are ever there until we leave this Earth. There is always more to learn and when we are done learning what was outlined for us in this lifetime I guess that would be our queue that it’s time to go.

My life is filling up with goals and a vision that is clearer than it has ever been. I think all paths lead to our learning those intended lessons but I also believe that some paths are easier in the sense that they are divinely inspired. It’s a good feeling (like a sigh of relief) when you know you are on the inspired path. There may be more work involved but it is much easier when the work is coming through us instead of our placing the weight squarely upon our own shoulders to “get it done”. I feel like I am finally allowing instead of forcing. I am beginning to stop feeling like a Push Me-Pull You from the infamous Dr. Doolittle.

I am learning what my purpose is and also what it is not. For the first time in my life I am setting boundaries.

So on this Mother’s Day weekend I find myself reminiscing on some of the things I have learned throughout my life in regard to being adopted.

(For the purpose of distinction I use the term “mom” for my amom and mother for my nmom. I don’t feel like using accepted terminology today, just simplistic truth.)

The most important lesson I am learning is;

Family can be replicated but it cannot be duplicated. I believe when this basic fundamental truth is fully accepted by society, adoption will begin to see positive reform. Adoptees will cease being forced into impossible roles and instead be loved and appreciated for who they are. ALL of who they are. I see more and more adoptees attending to this ourselves and that makes me really happy. Healing begins with truth.

My mom’s weaknesses have become my strengths. She is a sick woman who has TOUGH lessons to learn. I can encourage her in the process but I cannot take the journey for her. It is not my job to fix her.

My mother’s inability to love me out loud is her lesson to learn as she chooses. She can make the journey as easy or as difficult as she wishes. It’s called free will. She owes me nothing but I owe myself a learned sense of peace regardless. That’s a tough one because there is a part of me that very much thinks she owes me. Logically though I know that is just not the case. She owes it to herself to live truth. Every action she takes has an equal and opposite reaction. That is scientific fact. It stands to reason then that my feelings are just a reaction to her insensitivity. I have to choose to react differently. I can sit with my anger and my sadness and acknowledge it’s presence but my journey will be much easier when I fully accept that there IS something beyond those feelings. I will never stop trying to reach for that sense of peace.

I don’t have to teach everyone I meet that is clueless about the truths regarding adoption. I can choose to do this or I can choose not to. I should feel no guilt about skipping it every now and again. I also cannot help everyone searching who crosses my path. I owe it to myself to pass when I need to. It’s not my job to save the world either. I am learning how to say no.

Not everyone will like me and that is perfectly O.K.. You don’t have to like me but I have to like myself. Rejection is a hard pill to swallow for this adoptee. I have to continually remind myself that not everyone is supposed to be a part of my life experience and that being rejected isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I tend to want everyone to like me and be happy with me. That is a whole lot of unnecessary pressure considering the people who don’t like me are usually people I shouldn’t have in my life anyway because they are toxic.

I have two mothers. One who doesn’t know how to love me and one who cannot bring herself to love me. Mother’s Day is a day I have to learn to appreciate what they ARE and learn to accept what they are not. Thinking about what they are not makes me incredibly sad so I want to learn to spend more energy on the appreciation side of things. I want to do this for me, not for them. They may not owe me anything but then neither do I owe them. When I stop trying to force positive change in them I can concentrate more energy on creating positive change in myself.

Just a few but they are the important ones.

I believe the energy of “Mother” is a collective energy, inner-twined with all of the mothers who have come before us and with all of the mothers that are to come. Those who fully accept and feel that connection are never alone. When I gave birth I felt this bond more intensely than anything I have ever experienced before but I know there are many other ways to tap into it. I know both of my mothers feel very very alone in many regards. I can sense their alone-ness because they are a part of me and I am a part of them. I just won’t own their feelings anymore. On this Mother’s Day I hope they can get a glimpse of the wisdom, comfort and healing that can be gained by being a part of something far greater than they are currently experiencing.

Happy Mother’s Day to every single mother out there, including my own two. I love you all.

I am learning to fully love the mother in me. Happy Mother’s Day to me too.

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17 Comments

Filed under Adoptive Family, La famiglia è tutto ~ Family is everything!, Natural Family, Truthful Musings

17 responses to “Lessons on Mother’s Day

  1. Lee

    Mia…for what it is worth, I like you! And I hope you do have a Happy Mother’s Day!!!

  2. Great post Mia.

    What do you think is beyond those feelings of anger and sadness as you stated above?

    It seems I’m in a place where I can sit with my anger, grief, etc for so long then I can push it aside temporarily. Of course it always comes back.

    I also agree with logically I know my parents don’t owe me, I get that. But morally, I think they certainly do owe me. Does that make sense?

    Sorry, you got me thinking about a lot of things. It sounds like you are doing well. I’m happy for you 🙂

  3. Everything you said. I am getting there though. Slowly but surely. Hugs my friend

  4. Happy Mother’s Day, Mia.

    As always, I identify with your feelings and thought process.

    Sometimes, the best we can do is take the thing we, deep inside, really want (a mother) and abstract it until we find it in other, no less important, ways.

    I admire the heck out of your desire and ability to do so.

  5. Happy Mothers Day to you, Mia.

  6. cloudscome

    What a beautiful post Mia! Happy Mother’s Day to you.

  7. “I have two mothers. One who doesn’t know how to love me and one who cannot bring herself to love me.”
    What do you mean? I have adopted children and it breaks my heart to think that one of them would think that I don’t know how to love them. How do you want to be loved?? Please answer here or at http://www.parentalcrossroads.com
    Your writing is beautiful, but troubling to an adoptive mom who wants her kids to know that she loves them with everything in her.

  8. mia

    Thanks Lee!

    Elizabeth what you said made perfect sense. I totally agree with you that morally they do have an obligation to us but you can’t force a conscience on anyone. So, fair or unfair it’s up to us to find another way. They certainly aren’t going to do it for us. I suppose acceptance is a major part of what’s on the other side. Like I said though I am still working on it so can’t really say for certain. I just refuse to believe that deep hurt is all there is. There has to be something more.

    Amy you sure are!!!! (((Amy)))

    Rhonda that was pretty cool. I have to roll that around in my brain for a while.

    (((Abebech))) (((Cloudscome))) Thank You!!!!

    Hi Jayne,
    I will answer your question in a post of it’s own. I think it may help me process my own feelings. It may take a day or two but I will get back to you. Thanks for stopping by.

  9. Mia your writing is so powerfully beautiful it often leave me without words – this is one of those times.

  10. Polly

    Mia, I agree with Jayne – I am confused why you think adoptive parents do not know how to love their children. I enjoy your writing, and I always learn from you, despite the animosity toward me by your readers for not accepting everything you say as gospel. Forgive me for saying this, but sometimes I believe you think your personal reality is everyone’s reality. I love my adoptive children as much as any birth parent, and I do know HOW to love them, as a legitimate mother and parent whose responsibility is to bring them to adulthood in a loving, stable and nurturing environment, while providing them with the knowledge and information they need to live their life to the fullest. This includes full information on their birth parents, which will include contact, communication and visitation when they are older (but only if they want it – I still believe it’s a two-way street). They are healthy, well-adapted children, and will thrive in life, of that I am certain. I also think that the contact, communicationi and visitation will be crucial to their understanding of who they are.

    Perhaps I have misunderstood you, and I look forward to your explanation of why you think folks like me cannot properly love their adoptive children.

    I am relieved to see your words on your birth mother, realizing her issues have little to do with you. It seems that is just the way she is, and she is likely that way with everyone in her life. Emotional pain that has no hope of resolution seems very unhealthy, and I hope you find healing. I had an uncle who once said “don’t let them rent space in your head.” It’s good advice to letting go of things we have no hope of changing.

  11. I am working on answering your questions but I just have to ask you both a very important question first. How did you two come to the conclusion that I was speaking about ALL adoptive mothers? I assume you are referring to my statement: “I have two mothers. One who doesn’t know how to love me and one who cannot bring herself to love me.”. Correct?

    I – as in I. I. I. have two mothers…… What did you read here that implied to you that I think ALL adoptive mothers don’t know how to love their children?

    I really DO want to reply and I will but I can’t right now, I have to wait until I am writing from a better place. I think this is really important because it is a common point of miscommunication between adoptees and adoptive parents and we have to figure out a way to bridge the gap.

    I don’t expect you to take everything I say as gospel but I do expect to engage in conversation that is respectful and open minded. So I will wait until I feel like I am responding from that respectful and open minded place. Feeling misunderstood does not lend itself to good communication.

  12. FrendaMia

    For cryin out loud we know Mia doesn’t need anyone speaking for her but let me expound on this if I can.
    Unlike Mia I was raised by the most loving caring couple that could possibly be. Almost to a fault if that’s possible. Let’s say I was almost worshiped by my parents. I was the reason they lived and breathed and was told so often. I don’t know if I could overstate the devotion they had for me and yet as an adoptee I had special needs that they with all the love they could conjure up would not fill.
    Do I appreciate the place I found myself in, in this loving caring family? I thank my God every day for them. Especially after just finding my bparents and meeting them. Many divorces and the pain that comes with it have taken its toll on my bfamily and my siblings. Each one has said I was better off and I totally agree.
    So what’s my problem? Do I not feel lucky to have escaped that situation? Don’t I feel loved? Am I just winning about nothing?
    It’s so hard to explain but as I look back at my life (49 years) it would have been better if some of those SPECIAL needs would have been tended to. Let’s say I had no legs. We understand that love would be needed to tend to a child like that but it would be a love specific to that child. With your love you would focus on how to help a child with no legs. It would be different than the love you would give your other kids.
    The problem is, there is so much information on how to care for the special needs of common disabilities of children but there is so little if anything on the special needs of an adoptee. They are placed (hopefully in a loving family) with no instructions about how to care for them. Just love them like you would any other child……..
    It was not until now that many of the problems I had growing up could have been helped if my parents would have been aware that those problems were due to me being adopted.
    No one is whining but unlike the needs that are so common with so many different disabilities, physical and mental, children and parents could use some special care specific to the needs of an adoptee. No one questions the kid with no legs when he says I need help.
    It does show you care becasue you are on this site to find out what we have to say so please don’t take offence when we speak.

  13. mia

    Thanks Theresa. xoxo

    Thank you “friend”. It’s so true. The most difficult part (using your scenario) is that we are living in a society which constantly reminds us to just be grateful we have arms.

  14. Since my situation is similiar to Mia’s, maybe I can explain. My natural mother refused contact with me. My adoptive mother refuses to acknowledge my natural parents’ contribution in me. She wants to be believe fervently that I am only her daughter when I am not. I belong to both mothers. They are a part of me and I am a part of both of them. When they refuse to acknowledge those parts of me, it feels like they are not acknowledging me. There are things that I do, say, feel, and think that must come from my natural parents. I don’t get them from my adoptive family. My sisters are prissy and I am not. I love mathematics where my sisters love the art of language. Sometimes my adoptive parents do not celebrate my differences especially if those differences come from my natural parents. It is not a reflection on all adoptive parents just on mine. The same holds true for Mia’s parents. I don’t try to be offensive to adoptive parents. In fact, I do my best not to seek out their ire.

  15. mskimkim

    Happy Mother’s Day Mia. You are wonderful.

  16. Happy Mother’s Day. Thanks so much for writing this. Several thoughts went through my head! One is that adoptees are expected to just be “curious” about their birthparents, and they are not dissed if that is all they communicate. But if we communicate anything MORE than curiosity, like saddness or anger or grief – then we get labelled as the fringe of those adoptees with issues. Curiosity is almost an insult to us. That is like saying a person born without legs might be “curious” to know what it feels like to have them. Crap no. He yearns for them everyday of his life.

    Secondly, I think the reason many adoptive parents don’t know how to love their children is because adoption is most often focused on the needs of the adoptive parents to begin with. They try to find a child that fits the needs of their family. The child is expected to fill this role from the beginning and therefore the love usually has some conditions from day one. Will this child be a good “fit”? Will they fit in as closely as possible in our family as a child born to us? Hope so.
    Therefore the child has this unspoken expectation, and believe me, he feels it to the core. Just a thought.
    Thanks so much for writing this, Mia!

  17. Frend, your example is a fine one. And Mia’s response terrific:”The most difficult part (using your scenario) is that we are living in a society which constantly reminds us to just be grateful we have arms.” Mia, you are easily one of the smartest and quickest people I “know.”

    I saw that you were speaking quite personally at this moment, very much about your own experience (but which could potentially illuminate someone else’s). Thanks for saying what you have to say.

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