I am starting to feel a sense of peace regarding my natural family and even my adoptive family to some extent. It has been a long and tumultuous journey getting to this place. I believe the lessons that I have learned along the way were lessons I was sent here to learn but that certainly hasn’t made the journey any easier. It has been a long haul and I am not there yet. I don’t think we are ever there until we leave this Earth. There is always more to learn and when we are done learning what was outlined for us in this lifetime I guess that would be our queue that it’s time to go.
My life is filling up with goals and a vision that is clearer than it has ever been. I think all paths lead to our learning those intended lessons but I also believe that some paths are easier in the sense that they are divinely inspired. It’s a good feeling (like a sigh of relief) when you know you are on the inspired path. There may be more work involved but it is much easier when the work is coming through us instead of our placing the weight squarely upon our own shoulders to “get it done”. I feel like I am finally allowing instead of forcing. I am beginning to stop feeling like a Push Me-Pull You from the infamous Dr. Doolittle.
I am learning what my purpose is and also what it is not. For the first time in my life I am setting boundaries.
So on this Mother’s Day weekend I find myself reminiscing on some of the things I have learned throughout my life in regard to being adopted.
(For the purpose of distinction I use the term “mom” for my amom and mother for my nmom. I don’t feel like using accepted terminology today, just simplistic truth.)
The most important lesson I am learning is;
Family can be replicated but it cannot be duplicated. I believe when this basic fundamental truth is fully accepted by society, adoption will begin to see positive reform. Adoptees will cease being forced into impossible roles and instead be loved and appreciated for who they are. ALL of who they are. I see more and more adoptees attending to this ourselves and that makes me really happy. Healing begins with truth.
My mom’s weaknesses have become my strengths. She is a sick woman who has TOUGH lessons to learn. I can encourage her in the process but I cannot take the journey for her. It is not my job to fix her.
My mother’s inability to love me out loud is her lesson to learn as she chooses. She can make the journey as easy or as difficult as she wishes. It’s called free will. She owes me nothing but I owe myself a learned sense of peace regardless. That’s a tough one because there is a part of me that very much thinks she owes me. Logically though I know that is just not the case. She owes it to herself to live truth. Every action she takes has an equal and opposite reaction. That is scientific fact. It stands to reason then that my feelings are just a reaction to her insensitivity. I have to choose to react differently. I can sit with my anger and my sadness and acknowledge it’s presence but my journey will be much easier when I fully accept that there IS something beyond those feelings. I will never stop trying to reach for that sense of peace.
I don’t have to teach everyone I meet that is clueless about the truths regarding adoption. I can choose to do this or I can choose not to. I should feel no guilt about skipping it every now and again. I also cannot help everyone searching who crosses my path. I owe it to myself to pass when I need to. It’s not my job to save the world either. I am learning how to say no.
Not everyone will like me and that is perfectly O.K.. You don’t have to like me but I have to like myself. Rejection is a hard pill to swallow for this adoptee. I have to continually remind myself that not everyone is supposed to be a part of my life experience and that being rejected isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I tend to want everyone to like me and be happy with me. That is a whole lot of unnecessary pressure considering the people who don’t like me are usually people I shouldn’t have in my life anyway because they are toxic.
I have two mothers. One who doesn’t know how to love me and one who cannot bring herself to love me. Mother’s Day is a day I have to learn to appreciate what they ARE and learn to accept what they are not. Thinking about what they are not makes me incredibly sad so I want to learn to spend more energy on the appreciation side of things. I want to do this for me, not for them. They may not owe me anything but then neither do I owe them. When I stop trying to force positive change in them I can concentrate more energy on creating positive change in myself.
Just a few but they are the important ones.
I believe the energy of “Mother” is a collective energy, inner-twined with all of the mothers who have come before us and with all of the mothers that are to come. Those who fully accept and feel that connection are never alone. When I gave birth I felt this bond more intensely than anything I have ever experienced before but I know there are many other ways to tap into it. I know both of my mothers feel very very alone in many regards. I can sense their alone-ness because they are a part of me and I am a part of them. I just won’t own their feelings anymore. On this Mother’s Day I hope they can get a glimpse of the wisdom, comfort and healing that can be gained by being a part of something far greater than they are currently experiencing.
Happy Mother’s Day to every single mother out there, including my own two. I love you all.
I am learning to fully love the mother in me. Happy Mother’s Day to me too.