Some days staying positive is easy. Some days it’s downright difficult. I think I just need to vent today.

While looking closely at the AFTH agency I posted about below I have the following questions:

What constitutes a non- profit? I was told they made around four million dollars last year. How do you justify this as a non profit? Maybe exorbitant salaries would do the trick?

Do the donations to improve orphanages overseas only go to those who will cater to their agency or do they go to the orphanages who need improvements the most?

Do they truly believe that selling bracelets for children that read “I am the best thing made in China” is anything but dehumanizing?

My husband went to pick up pizza last night. Since we have been talking at great length about AFTH a flier of theirs sitting on the counter caught his eye. It said “When life throws you a curve”. It had a picture of a pregnant girl on it and little pieces of paper with the agency number on each one. You know, like you make when you are selling a dog or a lawn mower? Since a pizza parlor is a great place to find young girls I assume this flier was placed strategically. I call that fishing. I can’t help thinking about a young girl tearing off one of those slips of paper and calling the number, thinking she will be getting unbiased and truly helpful assistance. Instead she will get that brochure. This makes me want to cry.

Why doesn’t the page regarding search assistance for adoptees mention that they will only assist those adopted through their agency? That there is a fee for them to open your file and look at your information? That if they are unsuccessful at first attempts to “contact” your natural family they turn you over to the private investigator service at further cost to you?

Which makes me ask….

Why can’t I go down to Vital Statistics and get a copy of my original birth certificate for fifteen dollars like everyone else? What did I do that I should be treated like a criminal with a terrible and contagious disease?

Why do state run (“non-profit”) intermediary services get to raise their search fees any time they get the urge? When they do that they eliminate the possibility for so many adoptees of ever knowing their full identity. Why?

How come we don’t have more people in our corner? How come we are even in a position to have to find a better way than fighting for our rights? Why were we even having to fight in the first place? What did we do?

Why aren’t all adoptive parents and all natural parents helping us gain back our rights?

Why won’t my mother tell me who my father is? What did I do to her?

Sorry to be such a downer today. Sometimes it all just seems so insane.



Filed under Adoption Politics, Adoption Schmoption, Open Records, Truthful Musings

32 responses to “Why?

  1. ((((((((((Mia)))))))))))
    I’m having one of those days also.
    Poss. xxxxx

  2. Mia


  3. Shut up and be grateful, Adoptee!! The state knows what’s best for you, and don’t you forget it!

    Let’s go have a martini. It’s 4 o’clock somewhere. 😉

  4. Mia

    Let’s have two my friend.

  5. sigh sigh sigh

    I hear you.

  6. Well, you’ve got me in your corner, Mia. That may not be a lot, but I had never really thought about it until I read adoptee blogs. More and more aparents will read blogs like yours and many will begin supporting the rights of adoptees for the first time.

  7. “Why aren’t all adoptive parents and all natural parents helping us gain back our rights?”

    We should be.

    Mia, I’m so sorry for all the ways you have been let down. It isn’t okay, and it is insane. 😦

  8. It all seems so insane because it all is so insane.

    I ain’t much, but I am in your corner.

    And yes, all adoptive and natural parents should be too. *sigh*

    I’m sorry too, Mia.

  9. When put like that, it’s sooooo baffling. Just want my birth certificate. That’s all. No. You can’t have that and you can’t know your father, either. You see, there’s a difference between “in the best interests of the child” because that’s what OTHERS get to decide. What you want and need, well, that’s ANOTHER matter altogether. Oh, and BTW, quit your whining and pull yourself up by your bootstraps because I’ve decided that you having your birth certificate is not important to me because I’m the “decider.” Sheesh, Mia. NO WONDER you (and the rest of us) have THOSE DAYS. The days when we’re too tired to pretend we’re not second class citizens. I mean, it’s a wonder we don’t have MORE days like that, especially when you run smack into disturbing adoption propaganda at your local pizza joint.

  10. Amy

    Been there, done that and continuing to do that. Take a knee, we got your back for today. Hugs

  11. Oh, Mia, you’re not being a downer at all.


    Sometimes the injustice of it all is just so overwhelming.

  12. {{{{Mia}}}} You are never a downer. You don’t need to be sorry.

    It is insane.

    And I’d really like to have a few words with your mother. I don’t usually like to make judgements, but her behavior disgusts me.

    You are a fabulous wonderful woman. She should embrace you, and answer every question you have. It is the least she could do.

    I’m in your corner.

  13. Mia

    You guys make me smile when I really need to. That’s so cool. I think I’ll take Amy’s advice and take a knee today. Maybe I’ll go buy something for myself. ;o)

  14. Mia, buy something for yourself — GOOD IDEA!! I’m going to have to post a little thing I bought for myself. It’s so absolutely LOVE! I’m so in LOVE.

    Yes, material things can sometimes do this to me. I’m shallow that way.

  15. Mia

    Ohhhhh I want to seeeeee!!!!!!! Pictures!!!

  16. Yes go buy something nice for yourself! You could plan a day at the spa too.

  17. (((((Mia)))))

    “Why aren’t all adoptive parents and all natural parents helping us gain back our rights?”

    I can’t speak for natural parents, but I’ll take a shot at the a-parents. Take your pick: lack of knowledge; apathy; fear; denial; lack of time; and I’m sure many more. And I’m not pointing fingers – I see myself in some of these.

    I also think that this issue is so wildly out of control, particularly since the states have such different laws, that there’s a sense of hopelessness that prevents people from getting involved. A fear of “tilting at windmills.” Anymore I think it’s got to start at the top, with the Federal government. Perhaps with some success at that level, people will be more willing to roll up their sleeves.

    Thank you for everything YOU are doing, Mia, you’re an inspiration.

  18. Mia,
    That anyone should hold and keep the secret to our identities is just ridiculous- I’m still searching for my father Mr.XXXX- still no luck. should we just go smash our heads against the wall a few times, its probably less painful.

    or go to the spa instead- that’s probably a better idea.


  19. christine

    I wish there was something more I could do to make you feel better. But I can answer the question regarding non-profit. A company’s non-profit status has very little to do with how much money a company brings in over what their expenses are. What matters is what is done with the left over money after the bills are paid. If a company, such as the Red Cross, is in existence for the “greater good” they are a non-profit. I have a feeling that you and others would argue that adoption agencies are not doing things for the “greater good”. So after a bit of research, I found that the government believes that since most adoption agencies put some of their funds towards domestic and international humanitarian efforts and because the the pregnant ladies who receive financial support while they are expecting do not have to pay it back if they choose to parent nor are they obligated to place because they received the financial support, the agencies are working “for the greater good.”

  20. M2One they rock.

    Thanks (((E)))

    Margie I am curious about your ideas regarding working for open records on a federal level?

    Bijou we’ll find our Mr. XXXX YET!!!

    Christine I can see how easy it would be to justify. Thanks for the clarification.

  21. jumping in a little late, but i just wanted to say how much you mean to me. You really are a rock and i’m so thankful for you to be online. You’ve been really inspirational twords me keeping my cool and working twords reform. Thank you. On your down days, know that you’re still my hero.

  22. Mia…it is easy to get down sometimes because the way things are now make no sense…and that can drive a normal person crazy. Yeah, even though you feel crazy sometimes, everything I know about you tells me you are normal – most likely far above normal, especially for what you have gone through.

    Hope the Easter Bunny is good to you tomorrow!

  23. Annie

    Hi Mia,
    Time to say a big thank you for all that you write. I’m trying to get answers, bashing my head against a big brick wall most of the time, and your words always help me. So THANKYOU, and hang in there! Annie (TR adoptee)

  24. You guys are the best. xoxo

  25. I am in your corner, too. Very few people know who my daughter’s father is… but when she finds me, I will tell her.

    It is oppressive the way that adopted adults are treated. No adopted child or adult should be kept from their biological identity.

    Human rights for all, even adopted persons. Sounds like a t-shirt.

    Know that there are those of us out here that are trying to change things. Know to, that there are few of us, and let that not cause sorrow because…

    “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” (Margaret Mead)

    And, we will.

  26. Polly

    Mia, have you thought of putting out ads regarding your father? Do you know where your mother lived when you were conceived? Maybe use of her name (and picture?) in the paper will jog someone’s memory. She might be embarrassed enough to see herself in print that she would give you the name just to get you to stop the campaign. Just an idea. Personally, I think she has issues that go way beyond you. She sounds like a real basket case and probably is that way with everyone in her life, not just you. Not that it doesn’t hurt, I know.

    As for why adoptive parents are not helping birth mothers get their rights back, I know a number of adoptive parents who would just rather forget that their adoptive child is not really their own, and spurn all contact with the birth family. It stems from insecurity at the least, and a lack of compassion and humanity, in my opinion. A friend of mine just told me that after his mother died, he figured out from cousins’ comments that he was adopted. All information died with his adoptive mother, it seems. He will never know the details. Sad. Somewhere his birth mother may have been looking for him for years.

  27. Mia

    Polly that is hilarious! I am picturing E opening up her morning paper and spitting out her coffee…lolol

    About your friend…it is never hopeless. If you want to have him contact me, if he likes I can give him some ideas if he wishes to search.

  28. Polly

    Imagine E opening up her morning paper and seeing her picture and the words to the effect of “did you have intimate relations with this woman in 19__? Are you the father of this child ?” It just might work. What does a 4″x4″ ad cost in local newspapers?

    It is rather funny to imagine. You might check with a lawyer first to see if she can sue you though.

    My friend is not curious about his birth family, other than the initial discovery that he’s adopted. I just think it’s sad there might be someone out there looking for him. I don’t really talk to him much.

  29. Mia

    No worries there Polly, I don’t have the guts to do something like that. I would consider an ad in the local personals but would not “out” my mother. That’s her cross to bear. If I did I would just place unnecessary guilt on myself. I am however intrigued by the idea of an ad for him in some form. Hmmmm…..

  30. Polly

    …unless he doesn’t know that his actions resulted in a pregnancy. Do your records indicate he signed off, or do they indicate E didn’t know who the father was? Info on E in the ad, a picture or name, might be the only thing that jogs his memory if it’s the latter. There might be a way to word it, though, to avoid naming her. A date, place, and a picture of you, might do it.

  31. Pingback: Safe Haven Rides The Bus « Mia’s Saving Grace

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