I am responding to your comment here. I think these points are important and didn’t want them to get lost in the comments section. I do ask that you try and read my reply in a non-defensive way if at all possible. This is an overall view but can easily become personal. It is not my intent to attack you nor is it my intent to attack BestLight. These are my views. I welcome her here to reply as I welcome you.
I didn’t delete the post because I thought it was provocative (in a negative way). I then forgot about the subject entirely until I read this blog entry.
Yes, provocative in the the same way one might be unable to take their eyes off of a train wreck. I remain steadfast in my opinion that forwarding that post was irresponsible.
Your thought was exactly mine. This sounded like black market baby selling, and the desperation and quickness involved seemed very strange.
Which is why I would have removed the post immediately had I been the moderator of any forum it showed up on.
But, in defense of Bestlight, she is an awesome lady, and a wonderful example for all PAPs. She is a proponent of open adoption and is the mother of two beautiful children who both have a relationship with their natural mothers (I may be wrong about BOTH children having a relationship, FYI, but definitely one of them).
I have no idea what kind of mother she is. She may be a great mother. HOWEVER, she IS the mother of adopted children and thus has a responsibility to honor the process (as it should be, not as it is). As an adoptee I do not feel she is doing so by her choice of profession. It would appear I am not the only adoptee who felt this way. Do you think it’s possible her own children may find it distasteful? My guess is yes. Did you notice the response by adoptees? We crack jokes because it hurts.
Bestlight found a niche in assisting PAPs with their adoption profiles. As adoption profiles are currently a necessary element in the domestic adoption process, I see nothing wrong with the idea.
The alternative is an agency randomly matching natural mothers and adoptive parents, which — in my opinion — is a disservice to all involved… but especially to the children and the natural parents.
WRONG. That is not the alternative. The ALTERNATIVE is moving the essence of adoption back to it’s original intent which is to PROVIDE HOMES FOR CHILDREN IN NEED. As adoption stands now it’s MAIN focus is to provide children for couples in need. I know I risk banging my head against a brick wall here but PLEASE try and remove yourself from the situation on a personal level long enough to look at the big picture in a logical manner.
Desire for something creates demand. Demand creates the need for supply. Adoption agencies fill the role of supplier. Demand is greater than supply thus creating the need for MARKETING TACTICS which is the business your friend Best Light provides. You can’t sugar coat this. It is what it is. SURE there is a need to beat out the competition because the demand is greater than the supply. When you go to a job interview you dress yourself up in your best suit, beef up your resume, embellish your talents and skills and make a big show of being the best person to fill the position. In essence isn’t that what she helps PAP’s do? Only it’s not to get the job it’s to get the baby.
I find it immensely sad that the majority of (NOT ALL) adoptive parents and perspective adoptive parents can’t look past their own “needs” to understand the world they are creating by their actions. I have said before that I cannot understand what it is like not to be able to have a baby. I can only empathise. But I do know what it feels like to desire something so desperately that I could see myself looking right past the greater good to fulfill that desire. Why do I use the word desire? Because we’re not talking about a heart or a lung or food or air. We are not talking about a need. Having children is in fact a desire. Nothing good has come from our society’s belief that we are somehow ENTITLED to another human being. There is no difference in the belief that we are entitled to a child.
My intent here is not to slam adoptive parents. I happen to love a couple myself. But as an adoptee I have earned the right to speak up about how I feel. Just as YOUR children will some day. WE are the recipients of the effects of your actions. You must pay attention or risk alineation from the very core of what you worked so hard to create. Until adoptive parents understand a few basic truths we risk continuing and escalating an already hostile adoption environment that YOUR children will inherit.
1. Natural children are IRREPLACEABLE. We cannot fill this role, nor do we wish to.
2. We are not ENTITLED to children.
3. Absolutely nothing can erase a persons true identity. We are who we are. Honor this truth always.
4. Children are not a commodity and should not be treated as such. EVER.
5. ADOPTION MUST RETURN TO IT’S ORIGINAL INTENT WHICH IS TO PROVIDE HOMES FOR CHILDREN IN NEED. That means a drastic decrease in the amount of babies available but that’s OK because that’s not why we are adopting. Right?
Open your home, enjoy the process. Give love and receive the love of the child you desire. CELEBRATE your family. Be great parents and love every minute of it. All wonderful. But we have to quit forcing the creation of this environment at the expense of others. We graciously accept into our homes and adore the children we are blessed to receive. A child in a loving mothers womb does not need anything more than what he or she has at the moment. That child is currently not in need. Will they be in the future? Maybe, maybe not. But I think we can all agree no brochure is necessary.