A Lifetime of Crazy

I was reading Theresa’s fantastic “OH NO PLEASE DON’T LET THIS INTRUSIVE BASTARD DESTROY MY LIFE form” and the bit about Lifetime movies had me rolling……………………………….

Two nights ago I was perusing TV land’s nightly CRAPOLA fest, when I stumbled upon a movie on Lifetime that was just about to begin.

Warning: I am going to ruin this movie for you so if you want to see it skip this post.

<Que scary music, misty trees and ominous background sounds>


I, not being a huge fan of horror flicks (due largely to the possibility of scary clowns) almost clicked on, when in skips Susan Sarandon. Literally, she was skipping. I really love her so I paused. Before you could say the words “chick- flick” I was sucked into the drama and hooked like a big mouth bass.

Susan S. is married to Mr. Fabulous. She is a successful illustrator for children’s books and has two lovely daughters. Life is grand until Mrs. F starts to attract some serious bad luck. I won’t bore you with details but there are attacking bees, missing dresses, stolen cats, disappearing toys etc…It would appear she has either attracted a stalker who is out to make her life miserable or she is loosing her mid- life mind.

Mr. Lifetime TV Guy (cause you KNOW a man is responsible) tried hard to play it off as Mrs. F just going a little nuts, but a seasoned psychic like myself is HARD TO FOOL buddy boy! Ten minutes later I figured out who the culprit was, how she had done it and WHY.

I have this weird gift. My husband definitely thinks it’s a curse but I rather like it. I can tell you exactly who done it within the first ten minutes of any movie. Drives him BATTY. I think it has less to do with ruining the movie for him and more that he just doesn’t appreciate true talent. That and I think he’s slightly jealous.

As it turns out it wasn’t all that scary. Until…..

The last ten or fifteen minutes of the movie Mrs. F is locked in the psycho lady’s basement while searching for her stolen cat. She tears the place apart and finds all of her missing belongings AND………are you ready for it?……………ADOPTION PAPERS!!! That’s right folks the stalker is her long lost- crazy-ass-adopted-rejected-forlorn-nutalicous-daughter that she gave up for adoption and later rejected when asked for a reunion.

OK, I’ll admit it: I did NOT see that coming. Maybe I didn’t want to see it coming.

It went something like this: WHAAA?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! Where’s my rifle? WHERE IS IT?! I’M BLOWING A HOLE IN THIS TELEVISION SET AND AIN’T NOBODY STOPPING ME!

Truth be told I only own a BB gun (despite the constant warnings about shooting my eye out) but I have dead on accuracy.

So my WONDERFUL husband calmly says “sit down honey you’re acting like a crazy ass adoptee.

You talkin’ to ME? Are YOU talkin’ to ME? Oh, I don’t THINK so. I just wasted two hours of my precious life on this movie! I WANT RETRIBUTION!

And then I got it.

You see Mrs. F flips through to the final paper in the stack and it’s from the adoption agency. The camera pans the length of it’s vast array of information and right there in black and white was Mrs. F’s name.

HA! I knew right away that the girl was just POSING as Mrs. F’s long lost daughter. Psycho chick had made up the paperwork herself. A name provided by the agency………….yea, right. THAT’S a laugh.
And of COURSE I was absolutely 100% correct. Psycho chick was only pretending to be her daughter. Mrs. F’s actual daughter had been psycho’s friend since their days in the orphanage together. The REAL daughter had recently died while doing charitable world changing work in another country. Now that’s more like it! Philanthropist adoptee- yeaaaaaaa baby.

So there was a simple explination for the whole thing. Psycho never actually got adopted and we all know orphans who don’t get adopted all grow up to be worse than crazy. They end up vengeful, stalking psychopaths.

It all worked out in the end which is lucky for Mr. Lifetime because who KNOWS what I would have done otherwise! Me being a crazy adoptee and all.

And they all lived happily ever after. Or did they? Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha



Filed under Adoption Schmoption

12 responses to “A Lifetime of Crazy

  1. You’re very lucky. I’ve been looking forward to you writing this since I got your comment. It’s a good thing for you that you had this post up on your blog by the time I got here, or else I would have stolen your cat and unleashed a swarm of angry bees on you.

    Thank you for the love of my form, and thank you for this post. I was screaming so hard laughing pedestrians outside could hear me. You did an incredible review, please do many many more because this was so perfect.

    No, I’m serious. Do more.


    Do them! I’m not telling you again! I am a disturbed angry adoptee and you will do what I say!

  2. Wow. I must admit, I didn’t see any of that coming.

    I didn’t see the movie either, because I only get thirteen channels, but it reminds me of (the only episode I ever caught of) Criminal Minds, where the adoptee thought his now-professor first mother had written a novel encouraging him to find and kill her — but the baby she’d placed had been a GIRL! So the crazy adoptee wasn’t her child afterall, and yet in the end she would sacrifice her life for him . . . Only in CM, the trope is the repentant, sacrificing first mother, glorified in her willingness to die (and get out of the way) while the adoptee is the psycho; while here we have the great and grateful dead adoptee, both just as bad as the crazy ass nonadoptee.
    This sucks.

  3. Oh. My. God. Thank you so much for the laugh tonight. HOW INSANE. Thank you!

  4. Wow. That is funny.
    It’s always about adoption isn’t it?
    I do have one question: Why would that psycho adoptee stalk Susan Sarandon when she had her own perfectly good first mother to hunt down and set bees on?
    What was it about Susan that made her so stalk worthy?

    Did they explain this?

    I’m running to my DVR now to check when this gem will be on again. I don’t want to miss it.

    Thanks for the laugh.

  5. Oh, Lifetime. Actually, Josh and I got sucked into one recently that DIDN’T have anything to do with adoption… and we were SHOCKED. (But don’t tell him that I told the internet that he was watching Lifetime.)

  6. I have a tendency to get hell bent out of shape or clam up when I see a stereotype of an adoptee portrayed by the media. Depends on the mood, I guess.

    LOVE the review! Too funny. I guess I need to watch Lifetime more.

  7. Thanks for the laugh!!! I needed that. I mean orphanages and all? Was it based on a true story like most Lifetime movies? Any random mom’s out there ever experience a swarm of bees being unloaded on you, by someone elses child?

  8. You are hilarious.

    And hey, I ran across this blog by an adoptive mom. She hates Lifetime movies too:

    Her latest post. At least her latest post as of right now. Titled, oddly enough, “Lifetime movies.” 😉

  9. LMAO!! Thankyou for that!!
    Had to also giggle at Abebech’s comment of ONLY having 13 channels – I only have 5!!!! (cable TV is pretty new over here – so we just get the free to air ones. Besides – we watch enough TV – if we had more channels – we would never get off our lazy assess!!!! Thank goodness for the rather large DVD collection)
    Hugs, Poss.

  10. joy

    I want to know why she denied contact, I may have to rent it.

  11. Mia

    She was pregnant with her second child and couldn’t deal.

  12. joy

    Well if she had met her she would have had bees unleashed etc, etc.

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