I was reading Theresa’s fantastic “OH NO PLEASE DON’T LET THIS INTRUSIVE BASTARD DESTROY MY LIFE form” and the bit about Lifetime movies had me rolling……………………………….
Two nights ago I was perusing TV land’s nightly CRAPOLA fest, when I stumbled upon a movie on Lifetime that was just about to begin.
Warning: I am going to ruin this movie for you so if you want to see it skip this post.
<Que scary music, misty trees and ominous background sounds>
I, not being a huge fan of horror flicks (due largely to the possibility of scary clowns) almost clicked on, when in skips Susan Sarandon. Literally, she was skipping. I really love her so I paused. Before you could say the words “chick- flick” I was sucked into the drama and hooked like a big mouth bass.
Susan S. is married to Mr. Fabulous. She is a successful illustrator for children’s books and has two lovely daughters. Life is grand until Mrs. F starts to attract some serious bad luck. I won’t bore you with details but there are attacking bees, missing dresses, stolen cats, disappearing toys etc…It would appear she has either attracted a stalker who is out to make her life miserable or she is loosing her mid- life mind.
Mr. Lifetime TV Guy (cause you KNOW a man is responsible) tried hard to play it off as Mrs. F just going a little nuts, but a seasoned psychic like myself is HARD TO FOOL buddy boy! Ten minutes later I figured out who the culprit was, how she had done it and WHY.
I have this weird gift. My husband definitely thinks it’s a curse but I rather like it. I can tell you exactly who done it within the first ten minutes of any movie. Drives him BATTY. I think it has less to do with ruining the movie for him and more that he just doesn’t appreciate true talent. That and I think he’s slightly jealous.
As it turns out it wasn’t all that scary. Until…..
The last ten or fifteen minutes of the movie Mrs. F is locked in the psycho lady’s basement while searching for her stolen cat. She tears the place apart and finds all of her missing belongings AND………are you ready for it?……………ADOPTION PAPERS!!! That’s right folks the stalker is her long lost- crazy-ass-adopted-rejected-forlorn-nutalicous-daughter that she gave up for adoption and later rejected when asked for a reunion.
OK, I’ll admit it: I did NOT see that coming. Maybe I didn’t want to see it coming.
It went something like this: WHAAA?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! Where’s my rifle? WHERE IS IT?! I’M BLOWING A HOLE IN THIS TELEVISION SET AND AIN’T NOBODY STOPPING ME!
Truth be told I only own a BB gun (despite the constant warnings about shooting my eye out) but I have dead on accuracy.
So my WONDERFUL husband calmly says “sit down honey you’re acting like a crazy ass adoptee.
You talkin’ to ME? Are YOU talkin’ to ME? Oh, I don’t THINK so. I just wasted two hours of my precious life on this movie! I WANT RETRIBUTION!
And then I got it.
You see Mrs. F flips through to the final paper in the stack and it’s from the adoption agency. The camera pans the length of it’s vast array of information and right there in black and white was Mrs. F’s name.
HA! I knew right away that the girl was just POSING as Mrs. F’s long lost daughter. Psycho chick had made up the paperwork herself. A name provided by the agency………….yea, right. THAT’S a laugh.
And of COURSE I was absolutely 100% correct. Psycho chick was only pretending to be her daughter. Mrs. F’s actual daughter had been psycho’s friend since their days in the orphanage together. The REAL daughter had recently died while doing charitable world changing work in another country. Now that’s more like it! Philanthropist adoptee- yeaaaaaaa baby.
So there was a simple explination for the whole thing. Psycho never actually got adopted and we all know orphans who don’t get adopted all grow up to be worse than crazy. They end up vengeful, stalking psychopaths.
It all worked out in the end which is lucky for Mr. Lifetime because who KNOWS what I would have done otherwise! Me being a crazy adoptee and all.
And they all lived happily ever after. Or did they? Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha