Information has been requested (see post and comments below) regarding how one would go about joining the Official Bastard Club.
I cannot disclose any club secrets unless you are an honorary member. However, we are a welcoming bunch so if you want to join you can! I know, you’re excited aren’t you? I must warn you though we are an elite club. It’s not enough that you could be on the show “Whose Your Daddy” if you wanted to. Oh no, there is MUCH more to it.
These are just a FEW of the requirements taken right out of the Official Bastard Club handbook:
1. You must hand over your original birth certificate. This is non-negotiable but please do not let this discourage you! The good news is you will be trading one OBC for another in the form of your Official Bastard Club card! Laminated free of charge. We will lock your original birth certificate safely into the Vault of Shame. Under extreme circumstances we MAY consider giving it back to you but it will cost you….big time. We thought about requiring you to hand over your firstborn but that seemed rather redundant so now we just ask for cash.
2. You must go through our patented system of identity removal. Five minutes in our clever Bastard Identity Removal Machine (or BIRM) will fully and completely strip you of such knowledge as nationality, heritage, DNA and all biological family ties. Again, don’t let this discourage you! It is a well known fact that true identity is overrated and completely useless anyway. Just ask the government ……..or Pat Robertson.
3. We have a code of silence which is strictly enforced. Sometimes our BIRM machine doesn’t completely work. So if by some strange twist of fate you “run into” any biological family member you must keep your identity hidden or risk TOTAL DESTRUCTION OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. Yea, it’s that important.
4. Extreme gratitude is to be displayed at all times. Failure to be grateful may result in alienation from society. If ungratefulness becomes chronic you will be shipped to the Secret Island of Namelessness (or SIN) where you will remain orphaned for the rest of your days. Please be advised that the ghost of Ann Landers dressed as a nun will whip you repeatedly if you try to escape.
A portion of the Initiation Ceremony:
Simply click your heels together three times and say “there’s no place like home” “there’s no place like home” there’s no place like home”. Heel clicking must be done while simultaneously slapping your forehead
***Note: Excerpt taken from the OFFICIAL Official Bastard Club handbook which can be found at any library, hospital or adoption agency. Following club rules may cause indigestion, depression, ulcers, vomiting, loss of self, sleeplessness, and severe flatulation. You must be born to join this club, however due to a conflict of interest those born of immaculate conception are not allowed.***
Secrets and Lies,
No family ties,
Forever a bastard am I.
Eternally grateful, loyal and true,
even if I find out my daddy is YOU.
(Catholic version differs slightly)
After carefully reviewing these requirements you still wish to join please request an OBC registration form. Don’t worry about filling it out accurately. We always fill out a new one for you and put whatever the hell we want on it.