Letting Go

I asked my sister if E had received her Christmas Card because I never heard anything. In the course of the conversation she said she couldn’t possibly understand how I feel.

So I told her:

I feel rejected…..by my own mother.

This is her reply:

But, you have to see it from her view….she doesn’t feel like your “mother”. She still doesn’t feel that connection.

I can’t wrap my brain around this. How can my mother not feel like my mother? OK, so there was no instant connection but I have given birth and no matter how hard I try I can’t even begin to fathom this!!!

Besides making me incredibly sad it makes me furious. But not at E, I’m mad at myself for being stuck in this empty hole and not being inventive enough to find a way to climb OUT!

I honestly don’t know how much more heartbreak I’m going to put myself through before I find a way to let this go.



Filed under Adoptee Family, Natural Family

18 responses to “Letting Go

  1. suz

    i am going to guess, based on my own experience and that of others she cannot allow herself to feel the connection.

    oh, she feels it alright and it scares the crap out of her. not unlike many adoptees. it scares her so much she is afraid it will take over. it is buried with so much pain, so much agony, she cannot possibly accept it. for to do so would be to look at herself, her family, society, those that failed her, all the trauma. many moms, the only way they can survive is to deny that. they really think it will take them over.

    i kinda relate it to my adoption abyss feeling i felt at the Fessler presentation. I was really terrified and afraid I was not coming back from that place.

    for many, too many, its much easier to look away.

    many adoptees feel the same way. if you feel the pain, you must accept what you lost, what you did to cause that lost, what others did, etc.

    it can be crippling. utterly crippling.

    on letting it go, i dont have any advice. i recently went on record for stating my personal position on the oxymoron of adoption healing and got crucified by strangers. hee hee.


  2. I would really love to believe this Suz. Not because I want E feeling like crap but because knowing there is a possibility she actually feels ANYTHING would hurt less.

    Thank you so much. (((((((((Suz))))))))))))

    I tried finding that post….which one is it?


    As an older first mom than the eloquent Suz, I want to second what she said.

    How many years has she blocked this pain out? She built her life around denying it. When her illusion crumbles she faces so much unknown– what she couldn’t bear to face when it happened.

    As far as you letting go, I don’t know. You can’t let go of the truth. You can keep going looking for larger truths. You are truly bigger than the hole you’ve found yourself in. You are much more than that.

  4. suz

    mia. i can relate. oddly, thats what I want from my daughter – some sense of FEELING – even negative. she doesnt do feelings…as for the other comment – it was this post…

  5. I think (for what it’s worth) that if her daughter is sprouting this info – that your mother probably isn’t getting the validation and support from her own family that you are, in fact, her daughter.
    Remember – us adoptees fight over our own emotions – and the job is made even harder when we are told constantly that things are one way – when our heart and mind SCREAMS that it really is another. (plus, as Suz said, fighting with ourselves to run from that “dark place”.)
    Suz’s words are so true. I still have to post on my blog about the letter I received from my mother’s husband – and it SCREAMS of the pain and confusion that she is going through. He also mentions that he had only just read my letters – which she’d been receiving from me for 18 months. I’m thinking that she has been running away from the pain for so long – and just hoping that it would go away. Luckily – for her and for me – her husband appears to be a pillar of strength – and is saying to her “you need to deal with this – and I am here to help you”.
    I know so well how much you are hurting right now – and quite simply – IT SUCKS.
    IT SUCKS MORE THAN ANYONE (not touched by the evil tentacles of adoption) CAN EVER IMAGINE.
    I’m sending you oodles and oodles of the biggest hugs I can muster, with a shoulder to cry on if needed. (and lots of chocolate if it will help)
    Love & hugs beautiful Mia – from C. xxx

  6. ((((Mia))))

    Thinking of you.

  7. Oh Mia. I’m so sorry you don’t get what you need from her. *hugs* to you. You deserve so much more.

  8. {{{{Mia}}}}

    This is crap. I’m so sorry that you have been dealt such a shitty hand.

    You know I’m very angry for you (not my place but still). Your mother needs to get over herself and grow up. Adults deal with problems, heavy emotions, etc. She needs to be an adult and deal with it all.

    You deserve so much better than this.


  9. I’m having similar challenges. My bmom acknowledges me, but is pretty much a blank wall. Getting her to go anywhere remotely deep or personal is like pulling teeth. I’m pretty sure it’s not even worth the effort anymore.

    You could always do what I do – get angry. FUCK her for not dealing with adoption. That was the one area where she had a choice (however limited) and you had NONE. Now it’s time for her to step up to the plate and deal with you.


    Hope that didn’t come across as being angry at all first mothers. I’m not. But I am at mine. And damn, I’m angry at yours too.

  10. Mia, there’s nothing I can say that will make you feel better, I’m sure. I’m very sorry you’re feeling this on-going pain and that, once again, you have no control over the situation. You remain in my prayers.

  11. reunionwritings

    I wouldn’t even say “feel” I would say you are being rejected by your own mother.

    Adoption seriously damages the connections.

    I still feel shy when people say I am L’s mum on my blog and I know she reads those comments. It’s like we can only claim those connections if we are given permission which is the essence of the damage.

    See, you ARE her daughter, she IS your mother, I don’t care if she does or doesn’t feel a connection, SHE IS YOUR MOTHER. No birth prefix either.

    The only thing I can suggest if you want to feel less pain is to try to accept this tragedy because if you can’t change it then you have to try to find a way to survive it.

    And I don’t say tragedy lightly.

    This is just how I cope. And it’s just a suggestion.

    I’m so sorry you have a mother who isn’t stronger. It’s not a reflection of your worth – you always were and always will be wonderful, lovely Mia.

  12. I tried to respond yesterday, but I was so angry for you that I just couldn’t add anything. I still can’t; Kim’s comment says what I would want to say, much better (and much fairer) than I ever could.
    I too am so sorry that you’re in this continued pain.

  13. My thoughts are with you, Mia. I wish I had something more comforting to say. You’d think letting go is something we’d be use to but it’s just the opposite, at least for me anyway.

    What sucks is the loss never really goes away. We are therefore forced to heal through “accepting” that loss. You gotta be kidding.

    Sending lots of love to you.

  14. I hear ya lady I hear ya.

  15. Mia I can’t fathom this either. I don’t have anything wise or healing or heartfelt to say. Only that I’m so, so sorry. And you’re in my thoughts.

  16. Mia, About climbing out of the hole…This may sound utterly ridiculous but when I was without my first mom, I adopted two other firstmoms. Trish and Suz. They were both capable of appreciating me in ways my firstmom wasn’t able to at the time. I don’t expect that other firstmoms would be a replacement for E because I know there are things only your mother can do for you. I found that it lessened the sting when I formed relationships with other women who did want to “mother” me. Again, it might seem crazy or totally off the mark, it just helped me.
    All I can offer you are virtual hugs and validation of your feelings. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to face such a rejection and frankly, I don’t want to. IMO, (because I’ve been able to raise my children and don’t know what it feels like to be E) it makes no sense that she doesn’t FEEL like your mother. I’m sorry that you are in pain. Big hugs, Rebecca

  17. I came across your blog and was touched by your posts. I am a first mother going into my 6th year of exile.I raised my daughter until she was 16 mos old and lost her quite tragically to adoption.The first 4 years were sheer hell.I could barely get out of bed in the morning and i went from periods of rage to periods of anxiety and depression.Somewhere around the 5th or 6th year I think I went numb.Not to say that I dont still feel those feelings,its more like i cant fully experience them – i think i would go mad.I felt guilty about trying to move on,i thought it was sort of saying that I didnt love or care about my daughter.
    Now this period of disconnection has set in.I know I have a 7 yr old daughter out there and I’m forbidden to know her, see her.It’s a weird state of being for me.I look at her photo and have trouble connecting.I think a lot about reunion and wonder if I will be able to handle it.It must sound heartless that part of me cant face that terrible trauma of losing her.I’m coming to realize that even if we reunite,she’ll always look to me as her birthmother.Once the adoption happened,its a pain that will never quite subside.
    My mom is in reunion with her family and initially her father refused contact. Now we send letters and gifts,emails and visit once every 2 years.I think reunion can be full of expectations.It sure is hard to tell your heart to stop yearning.It’s definetly painful for all involved.
    I wish you continued strength and comfort on your journey.

  18. ((((((Mia))))))

    Yeah, what Suz said.

    Also, as I said to another fellow adoptee earlier today…. you (like me) want and need to have your reality validated by the most important human being in your life – your mother. Though I was reunited, I didn’t really get that, and I know how hard it is to live without it. ((((Mia)))) I hope your story turns out differently than mine.


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