Homesick

A cousin of mine just purchased a brand new tee pee. This is a photo of us helping him put it up.img_0005.JPG My camera ran out of batteries so I couldn’t take a picture of it completed. I wanted to get pictures of the inside too so next time I go I will take some and post them.

It is an amazing work of art created with exquisite craftsmanship, hand painted, it’s absolutely gorgeous.

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Sitting inside with the warm glow of the fire burning peacefully was the closest I have felt to being home since leaving Colorado. Now I want one.

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I live in a very conservative area, a very “keeping up with the Jones’s” type neighborhood. I am a square peg trying to fit into a round hole around here. Everyone has come to accept my unique personality. Actually they think I’m an odd duck but they use nice words like colorful, eclectic and artistic to describe me. If I put up a thirty foot high tee pee in my backyard in Colorado nobody would think twice about it but if I did that here I believe everyone would think I had finally gone off the deep end. I still want one. When I was sitting inside I felt like the outside world ceased to exist, I was fully present and living in the moment. That is a super difficult thing for me to do these days.

When I lived in Colorado I used to watch the sun come up, do yoga every single day, take long walks on our land and really took the time to notice and appreciate the beauty of life. I have the time to do those things now but for some reason I just don’t have the desire to.

Last night I had dinner with a group of friends that live around here. One woman was describing how out of place she feels living on the East Coast and how much she missed that feeling of being home. I could certainly relate to that. Living here is like living inside a beautiful oil painting. Our surroundings are stunning. I have found the people in this neck of the woods to be friendly and warm for the most part but there is something drastically different about the energy here. The thing that I think separates the east from the west is this hurried, stress filled underlying current that swirls about. It’s hard to explain but it’s as though even in moments of quiet conversation with someone there is this rushed energy hanging over your head. You always feel like you should be doing something different, something more and you get the sense the person you are talking to is feeling it too because you never really feel like you have their full attention.

We moved here for two reasons, one was to be near my elderly parents. The other reason we moved away from Colorado was because I felt this intense need to put some space between myself and my birthfamily. They lived about 45 minutes from us and the fact that they wanted nothing to do with me somehow hurt more by being so geographically close. Putting distance between me and them seemed like a good idea. I thought if there was a logical reason for not seeing them (like 1500 miles) I wouldn’t feel so bad. As it turns out that theory didn’t exactly work.

I do miss Colorado but in this new year I would really like to try and as they say – bloom where I’m planted. I think I would like to save for my own tee pee but until then I think I will create a space that is all mine. A space with things I love, my paintings, books, yoga stuff, my angel cards. I can’t really put that sort of stuff out where people can see them because I don’t have a strong sense of self yet and I would worry about what they thought. I am working on being ME regardless but for now it’s just easier to have the things in a place where only I can see them, a safe place that I can call my own.

I began posting about my art but stopped because I fear criticism, feeling not good enough. It is the one character flaw I would really like to work on. Maybe I will post some pictures of my art, take a chance. I showed one of my sculptures to a neighbor and she said she liked it but I should work on the face. I thought the face was fine when I showed it to her but after she left I actually went back and started over. That’s just plain wrong. I really need to learn to love myself enough to respect others opinions but not let it change things I feel strongly about just so I can fit in. I want to have friends who love me as I am. I am so tired of the fear of rejection being a driving force in my life.

By the way it would really help my homesickness if it would snow. Can someone make it snow for me please?

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5 Comments

Filed under Life in general

5 responses to “Homesick

  1. Suz

    when i read the first line, very quickly, i thought it said you cousin bought a new “pee pee”. ha ha. had to read it twice.
    i am with you on all counts. grew up in New England. Live there now. But gave birth to my daughter in midwest and it feels so different.
    And nothing wrong with ecclectic, artsy, etc. My monster in law actually calls me a “freak”. Nice, eh?

  2. I’ve never been east, so I can’t relate to how you’re feeling, other than the feelings of homesickness. I miss my family that lives in another state.

    I would love to see your art posted here! Please, do share.

  3. Mia, please share your art – I, too, would love to see it. I really like your idea of creating a space that is soley just for you. You deserve that sanctuary and physical space to claim as your very own. You are worth it.

    Having lived in NYC for a number of years and in Denver & Portland, OR for a shorter amount of time, I can absolutely relate to your observations about the two coasts.

    Hoping that snow comes your way real soon.

    Thinking of you, Mia.

  4. Funny I miss being out East. Still consider NY my home.

    Be yourself, that is your right. Easier said than done of course. I would love to see your artwork.

  5. I can’t wait to see your art!

    As for snow—with all the blowing drifts, I actually haven’t been out of the house in 5 days. Another storm on the way.

    Will send you a box if I can make it to Fed Ex. LOL

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