Thinking Out Loud

I rarely post to my adoption groups anymore because involving myself in conversation always gets me to thinking too much about things I would rather NOT think about. Today I got involved and so I am thinking about this today:

I have invented too many scenarios regarding my conception to count. I have speculated in a million different directions and the scenario has evolved as my journey progresses. First there was the rape thing, that theory has been demolished thank GOD. I can’t even begin to tell you how troublesome that was to sort through. If I could have afforded a therapist he/she would have been able to buy a mansion in Malibu by the time we were done. As it was I had to do the work myself. If I am to be completely honest I would have to say that it still visits on rare occasions but that is another post for another day.

Then there was the whole “she loved him-he loved her but couldn’t commit due to life circumstances” story. That was a good one and served me well for several years.

Here is the most recent scenario:

E was raised Italian Catholic. Five out of eight of her siblings were married. I think the pressure to be married was stronger than the pressure to be a good girl (the other “must have” for Catholic girls) so she got pregnant with my brother. This guy, whom I have actually spoken to said his mother made them get married but it was annulled a short time later. By the time the annulment went through it was probably too late to consider adoption. Everyone knew about the baby so she kept him and became the poor mother who was run out on by the worthless guy.

Then she tries AGAIN. My father didn’t marry her either so she planned early this time, hid out and put me up for adoption.

Strike two if you are counting.

She then proceeds to get pregnant a THIRD time, only this time the guy steps up to the plate. He marries her. My sister said their earlier days were not great. Gee, I wonder how well a pressured marriage can really go? My sister came along a short time after my brother so I am guessing that sealed the deal. They are still married. Good for them. I think that’s great.

It doesn’t occur to anyone that getting pregnant could have been INTENTIONAL.

Does this story have any more validity than the other scenarios? Who knows. It is just as viable as the others though and it again goes to show that not all natural mothers were young and innocent victims.

See this is what happens when nobody will share any facts with you. Your mind fills in the blanks. Sometimes it’s pretty (simply for self preservation) and sometimes it’s ugly. Perhaps a form of self preservation as well?

Why does it even matter you may ask? Well it MATTERS because it is my beginning, the story of my entrance into the world. Good, bad or ugly it’s my story and for reasons still beyond my comprehension I NEED TO KNOW!!!

If those who were there won’t share the details I will make them up as I go. If those who were involved end up looking like horrible people, well, sorry about your luck.

Yippeeeeeee………adoption days ROCK!

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9 Comments

Filed under Adoptee Family

9 responses to “Thinking Out Loud

  1. Oh Mia, of course it matters — it _is_ your story, and you deserve to know. I am so sorry you haven’t been respected and given your truth.

  2. Mia

    Thank you so much for that. I truly appreciate it. At least I know this is one place I will be respected. It’s comforting to have someplace to speak my truth.

  3. ((((Hugs)))) Mia. You’ve inspired me with your truth in many, many ways.

  4. I don’t know why my last comment didn’t post. Grrr.

    Anyway, yes of course it matters. If it didn’t matter I’d think something was wrong with you.

  5. MaeDay

    Keeping secrets and lies, makes for more secrets and lies.

    Everyone deserves to know the truth of how we got on this earth.Hope you find out the truth.

  6. dory

    Of course it matters. The thing is, everyone, including myself, would like to know that we were created out of love. But if I were created out of love than why am I an adoptee? Ugh. I don’t even want to think about that.

    I totally understand staying away from groups in order to not have to think about such topics on a daily basis. It’s a tough existence to live. Hugs to you.

  7. Mia, it would matter to me as well. This is a vital part of your history and you DESERVE to know the truth. I’m sorry that you’re not getting the honest answers that you desire. I hope that one day soon, you will.

  8. I’ve invented my birthstory many times myself. I finally got my bmom’s version of the “truth”, and didn’t derive as much satisfaction from it as I thought I would. That said, like you, I needed to know the truth. Deserved it.

    You’re right, by the way. Adoption days rock. Not! 😉

  9. Just found your blog.
    This post and these feelings are SO where I am at!! My mind just makes up scenario after scenario.
    We deserve to know.
    Everyone else (read-non adoptee) gets to know – so why don’t we.
    Great post.
    Hugs,
    C.

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