My sister IM’d me and let me know that the cards had arrived. My brother called her because…..get this…..he didn’t have a clue who it was from. When she told him he was surprised. He did not know my last name, did not know my children’s or my husband’s name. She also told him that she and I were in contact and when I asked her what he said about that she said “Nothing, he is so far removed from all of this that it really doesn’t mean anything to him.”
Apparently I sent the card to my second brother to the wrong address. I asked if she would tell him that I had not forgotten him but she said it wasn’t a good time to do that. Family issues.
I told her I sent one to E and she said it probably wouldn’t even get mentioned.
I said I was amazed at their family dynamic. In my family we discuss everything. Nothing is taboo, in fact we are almost too open. She said they are not like I think. They talk about everything, are in fact kind of nosy and very very close.
That is I guess with everything but the……….shhhhhhhh…………… bastard.
Lastly we chatted about Christmas cookies. I told her what I was going to make (frightfully behind on baking) and she said they had just made some pineapple cookies from HER (emphasis mine) grandmothers cookbook.
I got off of the computer and was really upset. Not so much about our conversation but more about MY REACTION to our conversation. I sent those cards after repeating over and over again “I have no expectations.” I was mad at myself for feeling so sad. Here I am proclaiming my strength and independence from the situation and yet I allowed myself to be hurt by their response (or lack of) to my cards. I want this all to be like water off of a ducks back. That’s what I want, for it not to matter anymore.
Anyway my daughter happened in the room and sang a Christmas song for me that she learned from her friend. It was something like “Last Christmas I gave you my heart but you gave it away….da da da…this year I am giving my heart to someone who will care…..da da da. I butchered that but you get the essence. Kind of heavy for a nine year old but I don’t think she knew what she was singing. I on the other hand knew EXACTLY what that song meant. It was just what I needed to hear in fact.
I feel better today. I must be making progress because the recovery time seems to be getting shorter. It only stings a little. I am going to spend the day preparing for Christmas. Is it just me or has this holiday season just flown by?