Three Strikes

My sister IM’d me and let me know that the cards had arrived. My brother called her because…..get this…..he didn’t have a clue who it was from. When she told him he was surprised. He did not know my last name, did not know my children’s or my husband’s name. She also told him that she and I were in contact and when I asked her what he said about that she said “Nothing, he is so far removed from all of this that it really doesn’t mean anything to him.”

Strike One.

Apparently I sent the card to my second brother to the wrong address. I asked if she would tell him that I had not forgotten him but she said it wasn’t a good time to do that. Family issues.

Strike Two.

I told her I sent one to E and she said it probably wouldn’t even get mentioned.

Strike Three.

I said I was amazed at their family dynamic. In my family we discuss everything. Nothing is taboo, in fact we are almost too open. She said they are not like I think. They talk about everything, are in fact kind of nosy and very very close.

That is I guess with everything but the……….shhhhhhhh…………… bastard.

Lastly we chatted about Christmas cookies. I told her what I was going to make (frightfully behind on baking) and she said they had just made some pineapple cookies from HER (emphasis mine) grandmothers cookbook.


I got off of the computer and was really upset. Not so much about our conversation but more about MY REACTION to our conversation. I sent those cards after repeating over and over again “I have no expectations.” I was mad at myself for feeling so sad. Here I am proclaiming my strength and independence from the situation and yet I allowed myself to be hurt by their response (or lack of) to my cards. I want this all to be like water off of a ducks back. That’s what I want, for it not to matter anymore.

Anyway my daughter happened in the room and sang a Christmas song for me that she learned from her friend. It was something like “Last Christmas I gave you my heart but you gave it away….da da da…this year I am giving my heart to someone who will care…..da da da. I butchered that but you get the essence. Kind of heavy for a nine year old but I don’t think she knew what she was singing. I on the other hand knew EXACTLY what that song meant. It was just what I needed to hear in fact.

I feel better today. I must be making progress because the recovery time seems to be getting shorter. It only stings a little. I am going to spend the day preparing for Christmas. Is it just me or has this holiday season just flown by?



Filed under Adoptee Family

14 responses to “Three Strikes

  1. suz

    awww, so sorry. i will never understand this stuff. never. i know that feeling – only in reverse. hugs and merry christmas.

  2. reunionwritings

    Your parcel made me so happy. I feel so removed from my family especially at Christmas. Your parcel was just what I needed. I haven’t opened anything yet, it’s all under the tree.

    I don’t understand what is wrong with those people, they are missing out on you. They are losing out on this wonderful opportunity.

    I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

    Thank you so much for sending me things, I really love it and it makes me feel so good. Every time I walk past my tree I see your things all beautifully wrapped. Your soap is yummy, I opened that to let it breathe like you said to.

    Send them cards every year, send those fuckers cards every single chance, Easter, make up reasons, just send little cheerful cards whenever you feel like it. To my dear mother, happy blah blah, brother, hope you are doing well. YOUR neices and nephews are blah blah, YOUR brother in law blah blah blah.

    Stupid fuckers, I want to slap their faces.
    sorry about the swearing…..

  3. Mia, I am so sorry for the hurt and pain that you are experiencing. Many hugs to you.

  4. Hi, I’d like to share with ya’ll a new and very important book about adoption:

    America’s Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry
    by Mirah Riben
    Foreword by Evelyn Robinson

    Projected Release Date: Feb 15, 2007


    Stork mar·ket. (stôrk märkt) n. 1. exposé of the corruption in the adoption industry; the fine line between black and gray market adoption; scams, coercion and exploitation. 2. an in-depth report on the international market where children are the commodity being bought and sold to the highest bidders including pedophiles with prices based on quality (i.e. age, skin color) of the merchandise and set as high as ‘desperate’ consumers continue to be willing to pay. 3. an examination of the myths of adoption that put the needs of adults, and those who profit from their desperation, before the needs of children who need homes. 4. an extensively researched and documented book that asks if adoption can be fixed -— the money aspect removed and government controls and regulations put in place -— or abolished in favor of permanent guardianship, or informal adoption sans the issuance of falsified birth certificates. 5. goes further than Riben’s groundbreaking, award-winning “shedding light on…The Dark Side of Adoption” (1988) which was excerpted in Social Issues Review Series, Utne Reader and Microcosm USA. 7. reveals, for the first time in print, Riben’s role in the notorious Joel Steinberg murder case.


    “Riben has done it again. Once again, as in Dark Side, she has pulled back the covers and exposed the unpleasant truths and problems that need to be addressed in American adoption practices. While difficult, when we remove the rose-colored glasses many view adoption through, the conclusions that Riben comes to are inarguable. Most impressive on every count….well researched and thought out.” Annette Baran, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., co-author The Adoption Triangle

    Mirah Riben writes that she refuses to give up. This book -— a wonderful and well-integrated mix of approaches—part analysis, part case studies from the front lines, part handbook, part up-to-date law and policy review -— is a testament to Riben’s powerful and enduring commitment to the rights and needs of vulnerable women and their children. Riben’s book is a clear, bright blueprint for change. Rickie Solinger, historian and author of Pregnancy and Power: A Short History of Reproductive Politics in America

    “Combines the historical and legal perspective with really hard hitting journalism.” Maureen Flatley, political consultant and media advisor specializing in child welfare and adoption

  5. Mia

    WOAH, where did THAT comment come from? I guess I have to go check it out.

    KIM I can’t believe the parcel made it to you by Christmas!!!!!! I am sooooo psyched about that!

    Thanks for the comments all of you. I always feel better when I hear from my friends. xoxo

  6. Hi Mia, I’m just now catching up on your site.

    I LOVE Kim’s comments! Kill ’em with kindness and love! Ignorant, selfish fuckers.

    I have felt the “bastard” feeling before too. I have a 1/2 sis & bro that do not want anything to do with me. It’s like they think I never should’ve been, and they certainly don’t want to share their mom with me, so I should really just dissappear.

    Eh, fuck them too! (Love that song too by the way!)


  7. Screw them if they can’t take a joke. I just wish I had a place to send a card.

  8. The Stork Market Spam is sent directly by the author Mirah Riben in an attempt to sell her upcoming book. She stuck one in my comments section (and I don’t even blog about adoption).

    This is what I wrote in Bastardette’s comment section (where it has also been posted). Delete it if you want. LOL

    “You know Mirah (Adopttalk), I may be an adoptee who blogs, but my blog is not about adoption.

    I profoundly resent that you’ve posted the above spam in the comments section of my blog flogging your upcoming book without ever taking the time to actually read my posts.

    Not only don’t you grasp the concept of netiquette, but I have to say that talking about yourself in 3rd person and then posting all your [koff] pre-publication rave reviews is cheesy and manipulative.

    Besides the shameless spamming, by not saying upfront that “Hey, I wrote a book about adoption I’d like you to consider” makes you appear to be disingenuous at the least, and dishonest at the whole.

    If you don’t want to read my blog for content and comment on that, I don’t have a problem with it.

    But don’t USE me, as an adoptee, to promote your product so that you can profit from it.

    You’re no better than those “Grow 4 inches on your penis in 3 days!” spammers.”

  9. Mia, I’m with kim.
    I cannot understand how they would choose to miss out on you.

  10. LeRoy Dissing

    What you describe reminds me of the old west when people traveled down the Oregon Trail. They braved the elements, the dangers along the trail and every once in awhile, they had to circle the wagons to stay safe. At times they had to venture into unfamilar territory and as prepared as they could be, they still had to circle the wagons because of the unexpected.

    Yeah, you care Mia and you show it on your sleeve. You want to belong and some of them don’t even care. Sad! But that can change. The journey isn’t over. And I am glad that you are sharing it with us, especially when you need to circle the wagons.

  11. reunionwritings

    The unexpected being Indians trying their hardest for their land not to be stolen.

  12. LeRoy Dissing

    You will get no arguement from me Kim….it was part of the unexpected and I agree that the Native Americans were just trying to defend their lands….my only point in using that analogy (which wasn’t a really good one) was that to be safe, people banded together. Usually that meant family or families but not always.

  13. There is just so much heartache, and every reunion being so different. I like Kim’s approach, kill them with kindness. You might be surprised and someone just may reach out. Lets hope so.


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