*Someone brought up something on a list I belong to that I would like to explore further here. This post may not represent the thoughts and emotions of my blog friends who are in the same boat as me but I dedicate this to you too. You know who you are.*
Most of the blogs I read by first mothers are about coercion and manipulation regarding their personal adoption experience. Most of the books about first mothers contain the same theme. I have yet to run across any insight into the mind of a woman who’s decision was well thought out, planned and on purpose. It’s easy to understand why, I mean what does a mother who has no regrets have to write about? I know it’s hard for a woman who is deeply saddened by the events of their adoption experience to even process that there may be women out there who made (as another adoptee stated) a very LUCID and RATIONAL decision but they exist. I know because I have one.
My mother was 21. Young but not a teenager. She had a two year old son and was working. Each time we have spoken (all four times in six years) she has mentioned that she has no regrets. She said that her friends told her she should have an abortion but that she CHOSE adoption. She feels she gave up her rights to me freely and decided almost 40 years ago that she would never look back. Then I showed up and all of that perfect planning blew up in her face. I get the blame for forcing her to see life outside the box she lived comfortably in for so long. So she became bitter and angry………..at me. Why should she have to wake up one day and suddenly have a daughter where one did not exist before? Now I know my mom friends are probably scratching their heads because they could not ever live in a reality in which they did not have a daughter but my mother did and continues to try and stay there with every fiber of her being. She honestly lives her life with a clear understanding that I exist but NOT as her daughter. Then I come along asking her to see me as her daughter but all she is capable of seeing me as is a stranger. She is not CAPABLE of living the truth.
We could spend days going over the psychological reasons behind her actions such as coping mechanisms, stress management etc… but the REALITY of the situation is that she very clearly and ON PURPOSE has chosen to continue to live in a world where she has three adult children-not four.
Here is where it get’s confusing. I spent YEARS reading books and talking with other first moms in an attempt to understand where E may be coming from. I wanted to be sympathetic toward her. This courtesy was never reciprocated. To my knowledge she has not once tried to understand why it is I would want to be acknowledged as her daughter. A relationship takes two willing participants and I am officially tired of dancing alone.
Now six years into this farce of a reunion I say this:
MY reality is that you ARE my mother.
You are selfish.
You are NOT a VICTIM!!!!!!!!!! In my mind you don’t GET to join the ranks of the moms who actually are.
You may be comfortable with the choices you made but I am not.
I am allowed to be uncomfortable with this.
I am allowed to be sad.
I am allowed to be angry with you and I AM.
I think your choices suck.
You have no right to keep my father’s identity from me. You are a horrible and selfish person for doing so. I have a right to know. You are infringing on my rights and his by not telling me.
I hate you.
I love that I can finally allow myself to hate you.
I hate that despite all of this I still love you.
I can love you and there is really nothing you can do about that so live with it.
Some day I will have to deal with the hate thing because I refuse to live with hate in my heart. But today this is where I am at with it all. Today I am real. Today my feelings matter to someone and that someone is ME.
That’s MY reality.