I am a chameleon.
Learning to come into my own.
After years of changing my skin to conform to my environment it is unsettling to still be searching for the one that fits me best. The one that has been my own all along. It should be easy to find, it’s the one with the least wear.
Creating identity at 38 is a daunting task but I don’t want to be a chameleon anymore.
Can one establish full identity/sense of self without all of the facts? Do I pull from other sources? Invent content to fill in the blanks? That would be very chameleon like.
How do you complete the puzzle with pieces missing? Will the pieces I do have still make a pretty picture? Or will all eyes, including my own, be on the holes?
I think these holes are my Ithakas.
As you set out for Ithaka
hope your road is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
angry Poseidon-don’t be afraid of them:
you’ll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
wild Poseidon-you won’t encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.
Hope your road is a long one.
May there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you enter harbors you’re seeing for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind-
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to learn and go on learning from their scholars.
Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you’re destined for.
But don’t hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you’re old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you’ve gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.
Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you wouldn’t have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka won’t have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you’ll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.
Edmund Keeley & Philip Sherrard