On Forgiveness

by Creed

I kept up with the prophecy you spoke
I kept up with the message inside
Lost sight of the Irony of twisted faith
Lost sight of my soul and its void
Think I, Think I’m unforgiven to this world
Think I, Think I’m unforgiven to this world
Think I’m Unforgiven
Took a chance at deceiving myself
To share in the consequence of lies
Childish with my reasoning and pride
Godless to the extent that I died
Step inside the light and see the fear of God burn inside of me
The gold was put to flame to kill to burn to mold its purity

I went through the normal emotions this past week, unspeakable sadness, anger, confusion etc…As one could surmise from my last post I was feeling pretty skeptical about humanity as well.

I read in the paper on Sunday that Carl Roberts’ funeral was attended by some 75 people. HERE is the part that makes me think there is hope for us all yet…………..

half of those in attendance were Amish.

I have a lot to learn when it comes to forgiveness. I know there is a huge difference between forgiving and forgetting but the two seem synonomous with one another to me. I can’t seem to separate the two. I have many people in my life I need to forgive, my birth family encompassing a huge chunk. I sit here and read about the forgiveness offered by my Amish neighbors and I KNOW I would most likely never find forgiveness if it were my children involved. How is it that they are able to offer forgiveness in this unbelievable situation yet I cannot find it in my heart to forgive the treatment I have received by my birth family, which in the scheme of things isn’t really all that important? Why do I mourn the loss of something I NEVER HAD? I feel shallow.

I am ashamed I have put so much importance on this when there are so many other things in life that have deserved my attention. So many other events that were better deserving of the emotions of sadness, anger and confusion-lessons on forgiveness. Time that could have been spent healing the relationship I have with parents who ARE present and available. What a waste.

I had something to learn from all of this adoption crap and I suppose forgiveness could be it. Obviously I am not there yet. I know this because if my birth mother died tomorrow I would hop on a plane and show up at HER funeral, not because I had forgiven her but just for the shock value of her daughter loving her in spite of the treatment I had received. How horrible am I?

I would like to find the purity of forgiveness.



Filed under Adoptee Family

11 responses to “On Forgiveness

  1. suz

    i view forgiveness as something i do for myself. not for others. it does not condone their behavior and it is not done to make them feel better.

    it is done for me. for when i am angry and bitter it eats me up and the other person could care less. it causes negative energy to remain in my body and it manifests itself in many insidious ways. forgiveness is for me, about me, and done to help me. not someone else. it is choosing not to carry the negative energy and to use the space that energy resided in for something more positive.

  2. Mia

    I get that, I really do. The thing is I can’t quite grasp the true meaning of forgiveness. I mean I understand the textbook definition but I have trouble understanding the feeling of forgiveness. I would think it is something that has to hit the cellular level to have any true effect. The roadmap to that level of forgiveness escapes me.

    How do I FEEL forgiveness? Particularly for a situation that goes against the grain of everything instinctual like that of a bond between a mother and her child?

    Any thoughts or advice? PLEASE help me understand because I know what you are saying is true. I know to not forgive is only to do damage to one’s self.

  3. suz

    this has been debated by me and my husband and even with my therapist. some disagree with my approach.

    i wish I could think of the author/speaker. i was at a body mind spirt conference a few years ago in boston and there was an excellent speaker who presented on forgiveness. the words they spoke rang so true to me and it was then i changed my views. until then i though forgiving someone meant their behavior was okay, you accepted it. thats not true for me.

    for me, i just choose to let it go. to not dwell on it. to realize i cannot change it, i did not cause it, so why am I hanging on to it? i tell the offender they hurt my feeligns, what i disagree with, and I just let it go. if I cant, it usually means there is more there, something unresolved. some other approach i need to take.

    i have even gone to scenes of pain (where my daughter was concieved for example) and had symbolic rituals. burnt sage, etc. i just let it go.

    not forgiving only hurts me.

    hope that makes sense. i will look for that book/author.

  4. Hello. I was in the process of researching people’s views on forgiveness for a short film I am making when I came across this post you wrote on that topic. I couldn’t help but make a quick comment that you may decide not to even listen to but I wanted to just write none the less.

    I wonder if you have ever heard about the forgiveness offered to you directly from God. I know that usually we try everything to make ourselves believe we aren’t sinners but in all reality, deep down, we look at our lives and the lives of every single person around us and know that we do wrong. All that wrong we do is directed at God, whether we mean it to or not because that’s they way each and every one of us come into the world, as sinners. We can’t help that part of it. But God’s answer was to forgive us, each and every one of us, for each and every sin. He had his very own son take on human form and be murdered so that now when we believe that that actually happened for us, and that He rose from the dead, conquered death like none of us ever could, we are forgiven.

    I’ve had people do things to me in my life that I NEVER thought I could forgive but that’s when I realize accepting God’s forgiveness is the only way I can truly forgive others and receive the forgiveness of others. Does that make sense? That’s what I thought when I was reading your post.

    Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did was okay (our sins are still not okay to God even though He chose to forgive us.) The best way I can say that you “feel” forgiveness is you have to make a choice. If we chose to forgive someone we need to remember that every time that ugly situation/topic comes back into our minds we need to keep that choice going. So basically I just feel that I am so undeserving of God’s forgiveness that I can’t help but forgive others. I’ll be praying for you tonight!

  5. Mia I used to struggle with this. For years I tried to forgive my mother (and father) for what they did to me, it was a futile attempt. I was not able to forgive them because they never admitted to doing anything wrong. They were not remorseful. My mother never asked for forgiveness, my father did once early on and never again. I tried to forgive people who were not sorry.

    I finally decided forgiving, for me, is impossible when it comes to my parents. I could forgive them if they were sorry, tried to make amends, etc but that has not happened.

    This may sound depressing to some, like I’m festering inside but I’m not.

    Intstead I’m trying to let go. Letting go seems to be easier than forgiving for me. The whole purpose of my Blog is my attempt at letting go.

    Maybe it is just words. What some people call forgiveness, I can call letting go.

    One more thing, your pain is real, and it is important. You are NOT shallow. Just because some have suffered more than you doesn’t mean your suffering is any less real.

  6. You are nothing approaching shallow or horrible. You are a mother, and a child of two mothers, so you _know_ in every way that bond that she denies.

    I find forgiveness easier when I know that someone (even someone who has hurt me) is or was incapable of doing otherwise, when they do not or did not know, or couldn’t or can’t handle another way. (That is not the same as enabling, and does not mean sticking around for more of the same).

    I would also love to say that forgiveness is a one time thing (as with salvation) but for me it feels like it takes work. Maybe that’s the movement from the decision to forgive and that cellular level?

  7. You don’t have to forgive. You can just let go of the resentment and decide that you don’t want to carry the burden anymore.

    I don’t waste time trying to forgive someone who doesn’t think they did anything wrong.

    Put your energy into having a good life, making great food, being a fabulous mother, wearing too much perfume and searching for joy in the small things of life.

    You already have forgiven her anyway, you just don’t know it. (just my perspective)

  8. Mia

    I want you all to know I am reading these comments and taking it in.

    Thank You.

  9. kim.kim

    I forgot to say that I get the most mileage out of forgiving myself for all the things I regret. That gives me a few moments of peace now and then.

  10. Mia,

    I think forgiveness is a process, if you want to forgive. Every day you are able to let go of a little bit more of the anger and replace it with a more positive emotion.

    By the way, I don’t think your pain is trivial.

  11. Hi Mia–

    Forgiving is an act of grace — Accepting yourself and forgiving judgments. The trick is any judgments you hold end up coming against YOU, because they’re inside you. YOU are not horrible even though you may feel horrible at times. I like a little book – “Forgiveness–the Key to the Kingdom” by John-Roger.

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