In spite of the fact that I was at jury duty last week and terribly behind on absolutely everything I was feeling really great yesterday. Things are back to normal and I am finding the peace that comes from the normal everyday stuff life is made of.
Today I was checking my e-mail (a stupid amount having not even turned on my computer in over a week) and there was a link to a photo a list friend had sent of her birthfather. It’s actually a sad tale. He died years ago yet the photo must on some level be quite healing for her. It brought my attention back around to the fact that I may never know who my father is. This is terribly upsetting to me. But then what about this mess isn’t upsetting?
It’s mind blowing how you can go about your life for a period of time, doing what needs to be done and not give any of this a moments thought. Then a song will come on the radio or you will read a story and all of that sadness and frustration just comes rushing back as though it had never been gone. Obviously regardless of what we might think it never really goes far.
I wonder if continuing to be a part of adoption groups and blogging is just making it even more difficult to be at peace with it. I wonder if I am just pouring salt on an open wound. Then I think that maybe these sorts of days would come no matter what and having a place to get it out is an absolute necessity.
I have come very close to quitting all of my groups and closing shop on this blog a thousand times. Each time I end up thinking that I will stay with it but just not participate as often. I can never stay away for long though.
Something needs to be done but I am at a complete loss as to what that might be. I wonder if perhaps some therapy would help but honestly I don’t feel like paying a psychologist to give THEM an education on the finer points of being adopted. There are a few who are versed in adoption issues but they are either too expensive or too far to consider.
I never did hear from my nephew after our visit to NYC. It makes me so sad to think that all that was about was him being curious. I never should have gotten my hopes up. I should know by now how dangerous that is to do. E has let me down so many times that with her at least I have no expectations but my nephew seemed so genuine, so sincere. I was sucked in by the possibilities.
I had a conversation with my sister in-law (who is also adopted) about searching. I will have to blog about that whole thing later but one of the things that struck me during our conversation is that I still do not have a concrete answer to what it is I am searching for. Had the woman who gave me life offered me words of comfort such as “I love you and always have” would that have made her rejection any easier? Yes, I think it would have. I have to wonder if what I was seeking was simply knowing that I do belong here. That I wasn’t some sort of cosmic error that fortunately found a place even though I never really belonged to begin with.
My life does have meaning and purpose but there is something about hearing that from the person who gave that life to you that would mean so much. To be loved and accepted regardless of the circumstances surrounding my conception. To be acknowledged for who and what I am, no more, no less, to feel worthy of the effort it would take to bloom into the freedom that honesty gives a person’s soul.
Religious people would tell me to look to God for it, the self help gurus would tell me to look within and both I think are extremely valid and truthful. However I know without question that it would have helped to hear it from my own mother just once.