A Bad Day

In spite of the fact that I was at jury duty last week and terribly behind on absolutely everything I was feeling really great yesterday. Things are back to normal and I am finding the peace that comes from the normal everyday stuff life is made of.

Today I was checking my e-mail (a stupid amount having not even turned on my computer in over a week) and there was a link to a photo a list friend had sent of her birthfather. It’s actually a sad tale. He died years ago yet the photo must on some level be quite healing for her. It brought my attention back around to the fact that I may never know who my father is. This is terribly upsetting to me. But then what about this mess isn’t upsetting?

It’s mind blowing how you can go about your life for a period of time, doing what needs to be done and not give any of this a moments thought. Then a song will come on the radio or you will read a story and all of that sadness and frustration just comes rushing back as though it had never been gone. Obviously regardless of what we might think it never really goes far.

I wonder if continuing to be a part of adoption groups and blogging is just making it even more difficult to be at peace with it. I wonder if I am just pouring salt on an open wound. Then I think that maybe these sorts of days would come no matter what and having a place to get it out is an absolute necessity.

I have come very close to quitting all of my groups and closing shop on this blog a thousand times. Each time I end up thinking that I will stay with it but just not participate as often. I can never stay away for long though.

Something needs to be done but I am at a complete loss as to what that might be. I wonder if perhaps some therapy would help but honestly I don’t feel like paying a psychologist to give THEM an education on the finer points of being adopted. There are a few who are versed in adoption issues but they are either too expensive or too far to consider.

I never did hear from my nephew after our visit to NYC. It makes me so sad to think that all that was about was him being curious. I never should have gotten my hopes up. I should know by now how dangerous that is to do. E has let me down so many times that with her at least I have no expectations but my nephew seemed so genuine, so sincere. I was sucked in by the possibilities.

I had a conversation with my sister in-law (who is also adopted) about searching. I will have to blog about that whole thing later but one of the things that struck me during our conversation is that I still do not have a concrete answer to what it is I am searching for. Had the woman who gave me life offered me words of comfort such as “I love you and always have” would that have made her rejection any easier? Yes, I think it would have. I have to wonder if what I was seeking was simply knowing that I do belong here. That I wasn’t some sort of cosmic error that fortunately found a place even though I never really belonged to begin with.

My life does have meaning and purpose but there is something about hearing that from the person who gave that life to you that would mean so much. To be loved and accepted regardless of the circumstances surrounding my conception. To be acknowledged for who and what I am, no more, no less, to feel worthy of the effort it would take to bloom into the freedom that honesty gives a person’s soul.

Religious people would tell me to look to God for it, the self help gurus would tell me to look within and both I think are extremely valid and truthful. However I know without question that it would have helped to hear it from my own mother just once.

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8 Comments

Filed under Adoptee Family, Natural Family

8 responses to “A Bad Day

  1. suz

    big hugs mia. sorry. this made me sad. i so relate but from the other side of the adoption fence.

  2. Hugs to you, my friend.

  3. {{{{Mia}}}} I’m so sorry. You have every right, and it is perfectly natural to be upset.

    I hope you get your answers. You deserve them, but that goes without saying.

    And I wouldn’t give up on your nephew. I sometimes go months without hearing from relatives. Just this past weekend I called a cousin of mine I hadn’t talked to in months and he was thrilled to hear from me. He lost his cell phone with my number in it. Hang in there.

  4. kim.kim

    Your voice helps others. I’m so sorry you have to deal with these kinds of issues, it’s not fair.

  5. Anonymous

    Sweetie,

    I am soooo sorry. Hang in there and please don’t leave. We love you.

    Love and Hugs

  6. Mia

    Thanks everyone. You all are the reason I keep at this.

    xoxo

  7. My own experience with jury duty consisted of talking with other potential jurors, consuming coffee, popcorn and movies. Since I was never called, my entire day was spent like that. On the bright side, there was free daycare leaving me free to spend time with other adults. It was a kind of vacation for me. The only problem was that I couldn’t leave when I wanted to. :S

    I can relate to wanting to quit and disappear but like you, I can’t stay away. For me, there was and still are days when I’m not sure what I’m doing or why. I only know that it’s something I have to do. There are still days when I feel frozen in place, a kind of limbo filled with uncertainty. Those feelings do pass.

    One of the things that keeps me going is the fact that there are still people out there who are also searching for meaning and purpose in their adopted lives. Sadly, many of them think they are alone in their sorrow and search for validation. I thought I was alone until I was in my 30’s. Your voice is an important one and what you leave behind can benefit others like ourselves.

    Hug Mia. Hang in there.

  8. Joy

    You know this inspired my last post, adore you Mia

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