I don’t know if E read the email or not. She did not reply. I guess I’m not surprised. I had hoped she would say something so I knew she read it. I really have to let that part go though. It was sent with love and no matter how hard you try you can’t force love. It has to happen naturally. I know at this point there really is nothing more I can do. I have to accept the fact that she will not be a part of my life nor the lives of my children.

Since she never really has been a part of my daily existance you would think this would be an easy task but it’s not. I dreamed of the potential and based my reality upon those dreams. It’s dangerous to live in a fantasy world. I set myself up for one disappointment after another. It was risky and it didn’t pay off. The fantasy was nice though. For a while, real or not, I got to feel what my soul so desperately needed.

We watched a show the other night about incarcerated teenagers. After being released one girl was home for about a week when she received a call from her father. He is also incarcerated and it would seem he is just an absolute scum bag. He told her on the phone in no uncertain terms that she was a failure. She tried to kill herself after she hung up. Fortunately she did not succeed.

I was thinking how amazing it is that no matter what sort of people our parents are we still need their love and acceptance. We still need to know they are proud of us to feel good about ourselves. My mom is super proud of me. So why I would find it so important to get this from E is beyond me. I think it is a fascinating peek into the human psyche to see that the love and acceptance must come from all parental figures. Without it there is a negative effect on our ability to become healthy, whole adults. I think even those who do not allow it to affect their lives on a daily basis would on some level be healthier with this unconditional love of their parental figures. It crosses all boundaries, adoptive, birth, foster, step parents. I don’t think it makes a difference. If there is a parent that does not offer the all important virtues of unconditional love and pride in their chid at any age the child suffers for it.

This girl went on to become pregnant with her own child and stated that she was excited about the possibility to get it right. To love her baby unconditionally. It seemed to me that she was trying to gain something that was missing in her life through her baby. I don’t know if it will be an entirely effective course but I understand where the girl was coming from. I wish her well.

Can that be done? I think it can to some extent. Without my husband and my children I would not have the inspiration to become a better person. At least not as quickly. I still don’t think they are a replacement for the unconditional love of my parents (all of them) but they provide me with the desire to be healthy not in spite of the past but because of it. When the forgiveness comes it will be for me more than E. By being a better parent, a better spouse, a better human being I am breaking the chains of the past. If I become a better person because of my experiences those experiences become of some value. They become a positive instead of a negative. Doing something “in spite of” is keeping those painful experiences negative and I think that sort of mentality would just eat me alive.

I guess one could say I have a lot to thank E for. Her inability to acknowledge me has offered me the desire to do things differently. To offer my children unconditional love and support. To be proud of them even if I do not always agree with their choices in life. To stand by them always. I don’t know if I would have valued those virtues had I not been shown life without them. So thank you for that E.

I may not mean it entirely yet but I’m going to say it anyway………………………I forgive you.

Totally off the subject:

I think this is the most perfect little pumpkin I have ever seen. I picked it yesterday. It’s always good to end on a happy note!



Filed under Adoptee Family, Natural Family

7 responses to “Virtues

  1. Maybe you planted a seed and some day she can open up her heart. I know there are times that you still feel so angry, but I think that you are doing a great job of seeing the positive out of the situation and not letting the anger consume you.

  2. Mia I’m sorry you didn’t hear from E. Perhaps eventually you will? It is hard to let go of hope when the other person is still breathing.

    Also, I think forgiveness is over-rated, JMO. Lots of different viewpoints on it. I only mention it because for many years I tried to force myself to forgive my parents. I really tried. I couldn’t do it. Doubt I ever will unless they both do a complete 180.

  3. suz

    I was thinking how amazing it is that no matter what sort of people our parents are we still need their love and acceptance
    I have noticed this too. I hang onto to shred that it is true and that someday my daughter will be more comfortable with me in her life. I hope she does want to know me and for whatever reason right now, she cant, chooses not, etc. but with your thought in mind, I keep praying she does think about me

  4. suz

    and to the other posters comment on forgiveness, i tend to see forgiveness different than most. forgivness is dont BY me FOR me. not for anyone else. i do not choose to say their behavior was correct, not hurtful, i dont condone it. for me, forgiveness is letting go of the negative energy in me that is eating me up. essentially saying “i let this go”

    may not make sense but thats my view on forgiveness.

  5. Joy

    Lovely post Mia, just lovely.

  6. I try to be the best mother and friend possible to L. because of my mother. I am glad you don’t become the way you are treated.

  7. I can only say, “I’m sorry” for the fact that E. did not respond. Those words seem so inadequate.

    I, too, have a desire to be healthy not in spite of the past but because of it. My childhood wasn’t the greatest; both my parents were alcoholic and verbally and physically abusive towards each other and towards their 5 children.

    I find it so healing to know that I’m succeeding at breaking the chains of the past by striving daily to be a better parent, a better spouse, a better human being.

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