Should I send it to her? Oh I want to so badly.

A Birth Mother’s Obligations to a Relinquished Child
by Jan Baker

A huge part of me feels like maybe she doesn’t owe me a single thing. But then there is this other part of me who very much feels like I deserve so much better, answers at the very least.

I thought about sending The Girls Who Went Away but honestly I think it would just be a waste of money and end up in the trash unread.

I haven’t heard a single word from my nephew since meeting him in NYC. I haven’t heard a single word from my sister. Nothing from E. Not one word from anyone.

I should just let it go. This is so not worth it anymore.



Filed under Adoptee Family, Natural Family

7 responses to “Obligations

  1. suz

    good article. thanks for linking. i am proud to say i have been a very good first mom in reunion. very open, honest, always have been. she was never a secret. never something to be ashamed of.

    i found it interesting the thoughts on bdads.

    i also found it interesting about keep a secret. there is a member of my daughters biological family that still denies her existence. i find this so completely wrong it is beyond words.

  2. This article was right on so many levels. Mother’s do have obligations to their adult/child after adoption. It is quite simple. When a baby is born, that baby never has a choice. No choice of who he/she was born to, and if placed no choice who the adoptive parents will be.

    Of course there are extreme cases, as in rape, that the mother has no choice. But even then she chose to have the baby. What ever the reason that she did not parent the child herself, this child-now adult is of her. It seems un real to me that any mother could turn away her own adult/child in reunion. And it seems unreal that she wouldn’t want to give her/him any and all information about everything. I don’t understand…

    Of course, maybe it is different for me. My children were stolen from me. I always wanted to parent them, I never thought that I couldn’t be a mother to them. Although none of my children were exactly planned, they were not really unplanned ether. well, that’s not really true with my son, he was a total accident. But I loved him, still love him and would have so kept him if I had thought there was any chance that “they” would come and take him from me too. Maybe that is why I can’t understand the mothers who don’t welcome the chance to be reunioned with there (child).

    When/if I find my kids, will it be ackward to present them to the world that doesn’t know about them yet, like at work…? Of course it will, but I will be so happy to do that! Will it be hard telling my middle daughter about her father? Yes! He was a very “sick” man who couldn’t control his own “sick” desires, but she has as much right to know about him as anyone else has a right to know about their father. My oldest daughter knows the truth, but as my other daughter was only 3 when she was taken from me, I don’t know what she knows, has been told or remembers.

    As for my son, I will happily try to help him find his father. No his father didn’t want a child at that time, he was young and foolish and in truth, I think he didn’t love me, he liked me enough to try to help me when I needed help, but he didn’t love me. But surely his son shouldn’t be denigned his rights to know him based on that? No Way!

  3. Send it to her if you want to. Why should you be ashamed of how you feel or hide it from her? It can be a very healing thing to express how you feel directly to her.
    I wanted to link your other post from my blog but the links thing isn’t working for my posts, I love your blog.

  4. I agree with this article.

    I don’t think you should just let it go, unless it’s more harmful than good to not do so.

    I think you should send it to her because I do think she owes you something more than she’s giving.

  5. What could it hurt to send it? It is not like you are making any progress now so maybe the article would plant a seed that would lead to something in the future. I am so sorry.

  6. I think the article was good, and an absolute minimum of what a bmom owes her adult child.

    What could it hurt by sending it? Can the situation get any worse?

  7. Mia

    Well, good or bad it is sent. No turning back now. I am exhausted thinking about what might happen as a result. Better to just let it go and let the chips fall where they may.

    I just pray it has a positive effect.–>

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