Give Me A Break!

Note:I wrote this post a week ago but then removed it. It felt too whiny and raw. I have decided to put it back with some slight alterations. After all this is why I blog right? I apologise if I lose the comments. They were good too. I hope they show up.

I talked with my sister and told her how much I enjoyed spending time with my nephew (her son) and what a great time we had. She said he really enjoyed himself too and she even thanked me for making the effort for him. It was no effort, I was glad to do it.

She said I had the family’s signature eyes which was so nice to hear. It was a recognition of sorts, a sense of belonging.

She said she was thinking of sending the group photo of all of us to E (bmom), she didn’t want to keep the fact that we had met from her. I thought it was a good idea too so she sent it. E freaked out. Not just a little, I mean she really freaked OUT. She told my sister she felt she had been stabbed in the back, that she thought my meeting him was vindictive and said ” now more people know my business”. She totally blocked out the conversation with my sister in which she gave her permission for he and I to meet, swearing it never took place.

I have done a fairly good job lately putting all of this into perspective. I have taken some of the pressure off of myself to always be the understanding party in this situation, trying to honor my own feelings for once. Although I am reading The Girls Who Went Away which I will write an entirely different post on when I am done. It’s a great book by the way. So on some level I still struggle to understand her and I do see the shame and guilt clearly although she continually insists she feels neither. I know she must on some level struggle with this. But what really blows me away is that after five years of knowing where I am she is still more worried about what people will think of what she did almost 40 years ago than she is worried about what people would think of her horrible treatment of me now.

You can’t wave a magic wand and say out loud “you are not a member of this family” and make it so. It doesn’t work that way. Of course it’s not like I can prove I belong. I don’t have the papers to prove it. My dog is a purebred and even though I don’t have his papers I could get them if I chose to. Fortunately my dog could care less. I wish I felt that way. But who am I kidding, even if I had the papers to prove my place it’s not like she would grow a branch for me to perch out in the open on the family tree. You won’t find me on any of their geneology charts.

This has been hugely upsetting to my sister. She asked for our aunt’s advice on the matter and was instructed to “never mention me again”. Maybe someone can tell me how this is healthy advice? How is E ever going to heal if everyone keeps allowing her to hide? To me this sort of thinking just perpetuates the stigma of shame. “Don’t ever talk about it again, forget, move on.” as though that were even remotely possible.

AAARRRGGGHHHHHHH

There are two aspects of this situation that I find most disturbing. First I focused a great deal of energy on E this week instead of being able to enjoy the moments I got to spend with my nephew. Second is my nephew himself. He was told (not by me) of his grandmother’s response. Now he is upset and feels terrible that “he” made her sad and angry. That really pisses me off. He should not have to feel bad about his natural curiosity to meet his aunt.

I have to wonder how one detatches themselves so deeply that they are able to view a photo of their grandson and gloss over the fact that their daughter and OTHER grandchildren are surrounding him. To walk away with only a feeling of anger and fear that their secret will be revealed. This is a mystery to me.

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Give Me A Break!

  1. These relationships with the family who raised us and the people who gave life to us, and thier present families, are so very complex, for all the players.
    Secrets, points of view, shame, embarassment, revisionist history…
    The overwhleming power of our own need as a human being to be recognized.
    To be valued.
    To be accepted.
    To know who you are and the truth of where you came from, even if it was a dark whirl pool.
    The thing I’ve come to face is that there is no pure truth.
    Just perspectives.
    My mothers, my fathers, thier familes.
    I’m lucky I have been welcomed by my natal parents. My adoptive parents are long gone from the picture.
    Still, I am unclear on many things.
    My heart goes out to you and the situation you find yourself in…
    At 50 I just found my natal father last year.
    I feel blessed now but remember very well the frustration and sense of loss I carried up to that point.
    I wish the best for you…

  2. Mia

    Thank you so much for this SH. I adore herons and think your name is just beautiful by the way.

    Your words here are touching and extremely valuable to me. I plan to give this a great deal of thought.

    Thank you again.

  3. Mia, I really hope that your mom comes around very soon.

    It’s all so complex, so needlessly complex.

  4. Ugh, I hate that this has happened! If I were in your sister’s shoes I would say, “There comes a point in time when you have to just DEAL! Go ahead and freak out, I am not refusing interaction with Mia for your sake.”

    I know, I know, easier said than done and it’ll probably never happen that way but your birth mother’s reaction is so frustrating to read about! I am at a loss to understand where she’s coming from, at all! Sorry. It’s painful to see how hurtful she’s being to all involved, just to protect her own comfort level.

    Oh, having said my piece, can I have your email so that I can respond nicely to the comments you leave on my blog? 🙂 My email is adoptive_mom_1@yahoo.com.

  5. Mia, this is so suffocating to read, so crushing in the chest region because I feel the wall too. I often ask myself, was it better for me to have searched and found than not to have searched at all? I haven’t come to terms with that yet. I can’t offer any advice; I can only read your posts and encourage you to keep writing.

  6. I read this with sympathy for you and extreme aggravation. I’ve asked myself the same questions about my mother. While she welcomed me, I remained shrouded in a secrecy meant to protect her. After years of trying to “understand” why she guarded her heart from looking at her own past – often at the expense of me and other family members – I just came to realize some people are incredibly afraid to feel pain and, thus, incredibly selfish in their actions. I know that sounds harsh.

    Mia you are a beautiful, empathic person. That your mother can villianize your’s and your nephew’s natural desire to connect with one another is just so . . . unfair. I wish it was different.

  7. All I can say Mia is I know where you come from on this. I don’t understand it. This so sucks. It is also so ugly especially for someone who is the beacon of light for many others.

  8. Anonymous

    Hi there. After reading some of your emotions with what is going on with your situation, I really feel for you. I am an adult adoptee who is in reunion now with my birthparents and have gone through many emotional ups and downs. I never really knew where to turn with all of these complex issues (since adoption is such a different world) until I found a great resource. Her name is Christi Bender and she is a reunion coach. She understands the whole triad inside and out because she is an adult adoptee herself. She helped me sort through so much of my internal feelings and I feel so much clearer now. Check her out whenever you get a chance. She does email coaching if you do not like to use the phone. I did email coaching with her because of time issues and how I like to read her responses several times to let the info sink in. Good luck to you! Oh, her website is: http://www.myreunioncoach.com.

  9. Mia

    How cool is it though that I get to come here and let this all out and I have such amazing people that reply, always making me feel so much better!!!

  10. Mia

    “anonymous” if you would like to promote a particular business please leave your name so as to lend credibility to your claim. Anything less comes off as spam. It reads very much like the person you suggest here sent this themselves. Which I hope is not the case as this would be a rather unscrupulous approach to marketing one’s business.

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