Some really significant things have taken place for me these past two weeks. Actually there has been a shift, a transition into a more comfortable way of being taking place for the last few months. Venting the strongest of the “adoptionism” angst I have been living with helped immensely. Blogging has truly been a blessing for me. I felt this internal shift become stronger and stronger with each outpouring I made. It was as though each topic burst to the surface creating a thin stream of sunlight so my soul could finally breathe. After years of internalizing these feelings it is a refreshing lightness to release them.
The analogy that comes to mind here is the carnival game where you try and shoot the star out of the middle of the card. Each b.b. bursts through the card, one not making any real significance but the more you shoot the bigger the space until you can finally see through to the other side. Rarely does anyone shoot the entire star to win the big prize but in this case the sense of accomplishment is prize enough.
I am learning that I do not need everyone’s approval. That just because someone disagrees with me does not mean they will go away. I am also learning that some will go away and that’s OK too. People come and go in our lives, it is the nature of things. But more importantly I am slowly integrating the concept of knowledge. There are some things you may never know and it is graciously accepting the parts of the star that are still intact yet living within the spaces you have created that feels best.
I sent an email to E as well as to family and friends with my new phone number and a few photos of my children attached. After sending it off I thought I would also send a brief personal note to E asking if she received the email. I said that I always want her to be able to reach me if she chose to. That I think continued communication is healing and positive. I received a very short reply with incomplete sentences such as “Didn’t get it” “Must have deleted it” “Hope all is well” E. Sooooo I sent my number and the pictures of her grandchildren again. No word back.
BUT interestingly enough my nephew (my sister’s son) happened to see the pictures of my children on his grandmother’s (E) computer and took it upon himself to write to me and introduce himself!!!!! I wrote back and asked that he run it by his mom to see if she was OK with us communicating which she was. Since then we have written four or five times, getting to know one another. It has been divine. Now GET THIS……in his last email he wrote; Aunt Mia (is it alright that I call you that?) …………….OMG. You mean to tell me that a 15 year old child has accepted me for who I am, void of complication and baggage? It’s like getting my Antwone Fisher ending only instead of a room filled with family welcoming me with open arms, it’s in the form of one boy who knows how to not only live truth but how to actually enjoy it. One single person who did not let fear get in the way of knowing ME.
In all fairness my sister has been a gem so it’s easy to see where he get’s it from. But with my sister there is a huge gap that cannot be bridged because she lives in constant fear of hurting her/our Mother and keeps me a secret because of it. As a matter of fact she has gone to great lengths to KEEP me a secret complete with intricate webs of lies told to other family members. Once I hit reply all instead of just reply and sent a personal email to the entire family! Whoops (Only a select few know about me.). When members of the family questioned her about this email they were told I was a cousin of an in-law or some such thing. I don’t think she has any clue how deeply that hurt me. I understand loyalty but as an adult I just wish she could make a moral decision. Integrity. You know what I mean? My siblings just perpetuate the secrecy and lies E lives with in the name of love and protection for her. My brothers don’t want anything to do with meeting me. They fall right in line with E’s decision, no questions asked. Maybe it’s because I am on the outside looking in but doesn’t that seem counter-productive to helping their/our mother heal? It’s like giving an alcoholic a bottle of vodka to keep the peace so nobody has to deal with the nasty withdrawls. Nobody can see the end result which would be a sober and present human being.
Anyhoo hoo hoo. I read the most fascinating book. It was for sale at my son’s school during the book fair. I bought it for him actually but something made me pick it up and read it. If I didn’t know better I would think the author wrote that book JUST FOR ME. Anyone who is facing rejection by their birth family should read this book. It is called So B. It by Sarah Weeks
I think it’s interesting that I found more comfort in a book for teens than I have in all of the adult adoption books I have ever read. Perhaps the timing was right. The teachers come when you are ready. Something about the last paragraph in that book set things right in my mind.
I feel a sense of ease that I haven’t felt in a very long time. The combination of that book and being recognized for WHO I AM by my nephew has been a potent salve for my wounds. A fair amount of pain has dissipated like morning dew on the delecate petal of a flower when the sun gently says good morning. It’s a beautiful thing.