I Am

I have so much to say to you. ~ I have nothing to say at all.

I am over feeling rejected. ~ I am lost.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs!!!! ~ I want to be silent like the night.

I want to smile all of the time until my face feels like it’s going to crack. ~ I want to cry buckets of tears.

I am strong and live life to the fullest. ~ I could not lift a feather let alone my head from this pillow.

I am comfortable in my own skin. ~ The unrecognizable face in the mirror makes my skin want to crawl.

I know who I am and I am content to live in the moment, understanding that nobody can make me feel something I chose not to. ~ The essence of my beginning has been lost and you will not help me find it so I cannot see anything but the hurt that you have clearly caused me.

I am done worrying about you. ~ I think about you often.

I trust you are telling me the truth. ~ I don’t think you would know truth if it jumped up and bit you.

I understand the complexities of your denial and have compassion for the person that you are. ~ I don’t get you at all and I am angered by your weakness.

I am fully able to relish the blessings that I have in my life. ~ I can’t see past what’s missing.

Clearly I don’t need you. ~ Apparently I need you in some form.

Screw You for not chosing me, it simply doesn’t matter! ~ Why?

I am content knowing I have done everything possible to turn this around. ~ Surely there is something I could say or do to make you change your mind.

I am absolutely FINE! ~ I am so not fine.

I am wise beyond my years. ~ I have never felt more confused.

I am all of these things. ~ I am none of them.

I Am.

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16 Comments

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16 responses to “I Am

  1. Well put Mia! I remember in early reunion – as I was finally dealing with my past – how confusing my feelings were. Never have I been more all over the chart – it’s tough. One minute I’d be laughing, the next crying – I think that’s gotta be pretty normal though.

    I am sorry that your birth mom doesn’t realize what she’s missing.

  2. Mia

    Then I guess it’s safe to say that normal sucks Cookie! ;o) Thanks for your comments here and on Excuses. You always have very wise things to say. I’m always glad to see you comment.

  3. Normal does suck!

    I think, for the most part, in different parts in our lives, we’re all some of these, all of these, and none of these.

    And ya know what? It’s okay.

  4. suz

    and i am
    right there with you.

  5. Joy

    I hear you Mia.

    The struggle between maintaining your dignity and acknowledging your pain.

    I am so curious about your story.

    joy

  6. Mia

    Thanks everyone, it’s nice to know I am not alone in these conflicting emotions.

    Joy I can email you my “story” if you like. Or you could go to my archives February 14 and read Valentines Day. It will give you the speedy super condensed version up to the most recent phone conversations. Those conversations are sort of documented in later posts. Just keep in mind those first posts were when I was just beginning to blog. I was a baby blogger. lol
    It is a never ending journey! sigh…

  7. Wonderful post.

    I’m going to check out your archives and look for the February 14th post to read your story.

  8. Joy

    I read your valentines day.

    How do I privately email you?

    Do you belong to chosen babies, I just joined and my email is on there.

    Joy

  9. It definitely describes adoption doesn’t it.

  10. It definitely describes adoption doesn’t it.

  11. There is nothing simple about adoption, is there?

  12. Forgot to put that I’m 1 month in to reunion. No idea what I’m doing here. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

  13. I think these are conflicts I will always live with; the nature of the beast. You express them so beautifully.

  14. Beautiful, thanks! And so true!

  15. very insightful. been on the journey too, will be back

  16. The complexities of living. I identify witht his post so much. I feel all of these things and more. Really, it seems like to the story of my life. I don’t have my own adoption story. But my experiences have left me in this room of conflicts.

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