I wrote several weeks back about the first ever phone call I got directly from E. I was initially optimistic at this seemingly monumental occasion although I must admit there was a part of me that tried very hard to keep it real even though I didn’t want to.
Now that I have had weeks to think it over here is the conclusion I have come to; she simply called to pump me for information. To see just how close I am to finding my birth father. I keep going over the conversation in my head.
There was this; so what exactly is ON a birth certificate?
and this: I could CARE LESS what you do but I will not help you find him.
and this: I have been thinking about it and I guess I do recognize some of the things on the non-id. I think maybe I just took stuff from people I knew, like my ex and a guy I was dating and maybe just made it all up.
This even though she was ADAMENT about saying CC made it allllll up and that “I should sue them……..but no because that would be too difficult.”
and this: I don’t know who he is. No, I will not contact the old friend that was with me that night to see if she remembers. I have no desire to speak to her again.
Followed up with going back and changing her original “facts” she had told me about him to saying she wasn’t sure about any of it anyway.
During our two conversations it would be worthy to mention that I did not initiate conversation about him, she did. I obviously followed her lead but never instigated the subject.
The conclusion I have sadly come to is that she did not call to finally make an effort. She called to pump me for information, to see how close I am to finding him. I have not heard from her since by the way.
Then there is this regarding my brothers~
I have one brother who I have been told by my sister said “I could CARE LESS if I ever meet her” (I could care less must be a family theme) and another one who said “I HAVE a sister and it’s not her”!
Or my Aunt who was thrilled to talk with me when I called her and even followed up with the words I love you. The only birth family member to utter those words to me. But who was insistant that we not ever let my mother know we had spoken because it would hurt her too much.
Talk about feeling like an unworthy pile of crap.
I IM’d my bsister two days before Mother’s Day to wish her a happy one. She instantly went to (away). Of course it could have just been a simple case of her being busy but all sorts of things run through my mind. Is she mad at me? Is she this, is she that?
I hate this. I really do. I hate that I have to second guess every single move I make, analyze every single interaction. I absolutely hate the lack of communication and the dishonesty I get from them. I hate that they go to such great lengths to cover me up like you do when you throw a towel over your dirty dishes in the sink when unexpected company drops by. I don’t deserve this.
I just can’t figure out why an otherwise rational (well most of the time anyway) woman like myself would consciously make the decision to put myself through this crap! If ANYBODY in my life treated me with such disrespect I would tell them to piss off. Can ANYONE offer me an explination as to why I allow this horrible treatment to continue? I have pretty much given up on hope of a relationship with any of them so I must conclude that other than the slim possibility of continued yet sporadic interaction with my sister and/or the possibility of finding the elusive father there is no sane reason I should give any of them a second thought.
Yet here I am giving them a great deal of it.