Reality Check

I wrote several weeks back about the first ever phone call I got directly from E. I was initially optimistic at this seemingly monumental occasion although I must admit there was a part of me that tried very hard to keep it real even though I didn’t want to.

Now that I have had weeks to think it over here is the conclusion I have come to; she simply called to pump me for information. To see just how close I am to finding my birth father. I keep going over the conversation in my head.

There was this; so what exactly is ON a birth certificate?

and this: I could CARE LESS what you do but I will not help you find him.

and this: I have been thinking about it and I guess I do recognize some of the things on the non-id. I think maybe I just took stuff from people I knew, like my ex and a guy I was dating and maybe just made it all up.
This even though she was ADAMENT about saying CC made it allllll up and that “I should sue them……..but no because that would be too difficult.”

and this: I don’t know who he is. No, I will not contact the old friend that was with me that night to see if she remembers. I have no desire to speak to her again.
Followed up with going back and changing her original “facts” she had told me about him to saying she wasn’t sure about any of it anyway.

During our two conversations it would be worthy to mention that I did not initiate conversation about him, she did. I obviously followed her lead but never instigated the subject.

The conclusion I have sadly come to is that she did not call to finally make an effort. She called to pump me for information, to see how close I am to finding him. I have not heard from her since by the way.

Then there is this regarding my brothers~
I have one brother who I have been told by my sister said “I could CARE LESS if I ever meet her” (I could care less must be a family theme) and another one who said “I HAVE a sister and it’s not her”!

Or my Aunt who was thrilled to talk with me when I called her and even followed up with the words I love you. The only birth family member to utter those words to me. But who was insistant that we not ever let my mother know we had spoken because it would hurt her too much.

Talk about feeling like an unworthy pile of crap.

I IM’d my bsister two days before Mother’s Day to wish her a happy one. She instantly went to (away). Of course it could have just been a simple case of her being busy but all sorts of things run through my mind. Is she mad at me? Is she this, is she that?

I hate this. I really do. I hate that I have to second guess every single move I make, analyze every single interaction. I absolutely hate the lack of communication and the dishonesty I get from them. I hate that they go to such great lengths to cover me up like you do when you throw a towel over your dirty dishes in the sink when unexpected company drops by. I don’t deserve this.

I just can’t figure out why an otherwise rational (well most of the time anyway) woman like myself would consciously make the decision to put myself through this crap! If ANYBODY in my life treated me with such disrespect I would tell them to piss off. Can ANYONE offer me an explination as to why I allow this horrible treatment to continue? I have pretty much given up on hope of a relationship with any of them so I must conclude that other than the slim possibility of continued yet sporadic interaction with my sister and/or the possibility of finding the elusive father there is no sane reason I should give any of them a second thought.

Yet here I am giving them a great deal of it.

WTF.

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Reality Check

  1. suz

    I hate this. I really do. I hate that I have to second guess every single move I make, analyze every single interaction. I absolutely hate the lack of communication and the dishonesty I get from them. I hate that they go to such great lengths to cover me up like you do when you throw a towel over your dirty dishes in the sink when unexpected company drops by. I don’t deserve this.

    I hate this too. I hate it for me and for you.

    No idea why any of us put ourselves out there. My assumption is our attempt to right a wrong – that in our bones we want our family back, we want that love, so we keep trying and trying and trying. We also may feel we deserve the treatement and we accept it. Moms like me were “bad” so we deserve to be treated badly. Adoptees may think something was wrong with them that they were given away.

    I dont know. I just know it sucks.

    Big hugs.

  2. Oh, Hon. My heart breaks for you. Personally, I want to find these people, shake them until their brains rattle in their heads and say, “Do you REALIZE what you have… at your damn fingertips… and you’re not taking advantage of it?”

    I don’t understand the mindset that they have and, honestly, I hope never to understand. It makes me simultaneously angry and confused which is weird enough for me and so my heart breaks for you.

    Re: putting ourselves out there. On a different level and in a different situation (non-adoption), I do it, too. I don’t know why I do it, but I do. And I get burned every time. Really, I think I just keep trying because at some point, I want… no… need to hear the words, “I’m Sorry.”

    You’re in my thoughts, dear.

  3. Mia

    Yea, and the craziest part Suz is if this were my afamily I would have disassociated myself from them long ago if they treated me in this manner. My afamily has issues, huge issues but they have never deliberately treated me with such disrespect. Unintentionally maybe but never intentionally.

    Jenna if they said they were sorry today it would go a long way with me but honestly if they just had the decency to treat me better than they would a stray dog I would probably feel better about things. Sadly that is how low my standards are when it comes to my birth family.

  4. Oh Mia. I am so sorry you have to go through this. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. It clearly doesn’t have anything to do with you, but their own issues and fears. I know that doesn’t make it right, or hurt less. I think you care how they feel despite the lack of basic respect and courtesy, because it is a fundamental need to belong and be loved. You are a lovely, articulate, intelligent, and caring person (see what you can learn about someone from their blog) and you deserve better than the treatment you are getting. Please, please know – big hugs – you are worthy to be loved. Whatever the hidden issue is that is causing your family of origin’s behavior – it is nothing intrinsic to you. You have continued this far with them not from some failing of yours, but because of your legitimate need, and your generosity of heart. You will know if there comes a time that you must protect yourself and honor boundaries, just as you do in less “loaded” relationships. Trust your heart and your instincts.

  5. Joy

    Hi Mia
    You have a great voice and a great blog. Keep on going, clear all the crap out, leave the closets of your mind organized and sexy clean–
    That being said, here I go saying something that shouldn’t be said. A specialty of mine.

    Why do you suppose your E. is so concerned with you finding your father. I have a theory about this. I have only known one adoptee in real life whose mother didn’t want contact.
    His father was a high-ranking politician. Who we don’t know, and now he *the adoptee* has passed, so we will never know. But lets say it was me as bmom, what would I care about the bdad?
    Why would she care if you found hime and upset his life? Or more realistically, you caused grief denied to surface?
    I mean if it was really no big deal, contact wouldn’t be a big deal either. For example, I am not particularly interested in my neighbor, but I don’t tell him I can’t have contact with him.
    There is definetly something in your story, a big missing piece. She is protecting herself or you from something. Something is amiss. I know to say that to adoptee is like saying grass is green. But I mean more so than average.

    Ok I’ll shut-up, good luck.

    I read your blog about the adverse affects of non-contact and can I just say, w/o knowing you, but reading your blog, your voice is so lovable. Sometimes I think that we adoptees have a special place in God’s heart. Honestly, I believe that. I find comfort in that, a comfort that I couldn’t find in my human family.

    Muchos besos mi amiga
    Joy

  6. Mia

    Marlene and Joy your comments couldn’t have come at a better time. They are most appreciated and deserve more attention than I have time right this second. I just didn’t want to go without thanking you for your kindness. I will try to comment further soon.

  7. Mia….
    I hurt for you. It can make you crazy trying to help her or understand her and her family (your siblings). I know, I’ve been there. Mia, the “I could care less” statement sounds like a huge red flag. Shame on her, shame on your siblings for treating you with disregard. I’m so sorry. It isn’t right. It’s wrong, just really wrong. (((((Hugs)))))

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