Two Mothers – None

Can you stand it? I am actually sitting here bawling over this stupid FLOWER thing! How entirely silly. I have GOT to find a way to get past this crap. I can’t believe I have allowed the ignorance and selfishness of my natural mother to wound me so deeply. She is always there, now just a whisper of rejection but still painting a dull film on every single moment of my day.

Honestly? I don’t get it. I am a grown woman who for some reason far beyond my understanding seems to feel incomplete without the love and acceptance of my mothers. Both of them, either of them.

Yesterday I was trying to tell my Mom about the jaw surgery I need to have for TMJ. Maybe it’s not open heart surgery bad but it’s a big deal to me at this time both physically and financially. I was looking for a little support so when my Mom asked me how it went at the Doctor I foolishly thought she may actually want to hear! I started to tell her and she said “Oh……well……that’s too bad so did you hear about Aunt soandso?” No skipped beat there, just skimmed right over it. “She is in the hospital for suchandsuch!” Like her story was juicier than mine. I was so hurt I told her I had to go right in the middle of the sorted details of Aunt soandso. Not that I don’t care about Aunt soandso I just needed my MOTHER right then!!!!!!!

This is the problem. I feel like I am without the support of a mother and I have TWO of them. Two mothers, both who seem to have absolutely no interest in me what so ever. How am I doing? What is new with me? How do I feel about it? What I have to say is important………..Is that too freaking much to ask? For one of these two women to give a crap? I guess so.

I can tell you it would be easier just to have one mother who could care less. Then I could just say to myself that I had been dealt a bad hand or something. That it was just a character flaw in HER, not me. But TWO mothers? How the hell am I supposed to not take THAT personally?!?

You Are a Purple Flower

A purple flower tends to represent success, grace, and elegance.
At times, you are faithful like a violet.
And other times, you represent luxury, like a wisteria.
And more than you wish, you find yourself heartbroken like a lilac.

My husband brought me Lilacs for May Day. He knows how desperate I have been to bury my face in the intoxicating scent of lilacs ever since they have come into bloom this Spring. He is a thoughtful man. I wonder about the coincidence.



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10 responses to “Two Mothers – None

  1. Well, Mia, I must say two uncaring mothers must be double the agony. I myself have zero mothers, caring or otherwise. I wonder which of us is better off. Hmmmm. Anyway, I misread your words:

    I can tell you it would be easier just to have one mother who could care less. Then I could just say to myself that I had been dealt a bad hand or something. That it was just a character flaw in HER, not me

    to be I was just a character flaw. And that would just about describe how I always felt with just one mother who showed her caring by keeping truth from me on the one hand and trying to buy my love on the other.

  2. Mia

    I can’t answer which of us is better off. I have spent far too much time thinking about those who have it worse and justifying my own situation to be less important accordingly. If I am to be completely honest it doesn’t make the emptiness any less empty for me at this time. I am a pretty compassionate person but right now I think I need to be a little selfish.

    Try as I might I cannot see how your mother’s lack of caring and truthfulness can possibly equal a character flaw in you but I know the mind goes places that don’t make any sense sometimes. Sort of the essence of this post. I know me saying it isn’t true doesn’t make you feel any less pain…..but I wish it did.

  3. firstly, I’m sorry for being a bad blog buddy. I’ve missed two very important posts here the last couple days.

    Secondly, I am convinced you and I lead parallel lives. I go to that place you’ve just visited far too often and deal with the same irony – two mothers and none. I wish I had some wisdom to offer, or a simple solution. I’m just so sorry it is that way for you, too.

    P.S. I am late getting out the door, so intend to read your disablism post the minute I walk back in 🙂

  4. Mia

    Rhonda you are always such a comfort. I can’t even tell you how much you mean to me. It’s wierd, you being a stranger and yet I feel like I have known you forever!

    I hope upon hope some day you, I and Atilla can meet up and raise the roof Adoptee Style! ;o) Sounds like fun but in all reality we would probably all be asleep by ten huh? lol

  5. It goes without saying that no matter how old we get, we always need our mothers. It’s natural to think the problem is with you even if it were just one mother because we see mothers as naturally loving and nurturing. The truth is that not all of them are.

    Whatever the reason, I certainly don’t think it’s you.

  6. I can so relate. Not to the being adopted bits but to the having a crap mother bits,well I only have one so maybe I don’t relate but want to feel like I do. Urgh – start again-
    I have a crap mother so can relate to the feeling of loss that comes with that.
    You can be a great mother, I try to be a lovely mother, that’s the only way I know how to find some healing from all this.

  7. Rel

    I don’t know what to say Mia, other than that you deserve better, and i hate to see you sad like this 😦

    take care of yourself, you’re a wonderful soul. xo

  8. Oh Mia, I’m so sorry. There are just no words to explain or excuse the selfishness of others.

    Hubby sounds like a keeper!


  9. I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t have BAD relationships with my moms but there is no true connection where I could tell either one of them anything. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it isn’t you and I’m sure you have a lot of other great relationships in your life to be thankful for, right?

  10. Mia

    Thanks everyone for being so supportive.

    It not that I feel like I have a crap mother really. I know she does the best that she can. It’s just that sometimes the fact that where it really counts she isn’t able, in a lot of areas of my life, and that hits me hard sometimes. She really has been there for me in her own unique way.

    I am blessed to have a good husband and wonderful kids. That helps.

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