Note: I know I am just full of inconsistencies this week but whatever, it’s my blog. I said I wouldn’t write about my Mom and I did. I said I chose to use the term birth parent over natural parent but it just came out otherwise as I wrote. Maybe I am trying it on for size, I can’t really say for sure. It just happened……..well……….naturally. ;o) I’m still not sure how I feel about it but I have to admit reading through this post it seems appropriate.
Whose blog was I just reading where they said that they thought aparents were in a way victims of adoption too? I never really thought about that until I read it. I can see it. You have people who desperately want a family which I don’t want to even pretend what that feels like because I can’t. But I think society in general has led us to believe that to adopt would equally fill that void just as natural conception and childbirth would. That is a falacy.
Don’t we sort of set up aparents for a certain amount of failure right off the bat? Aren’t prospective adoptive parents led to believe that this child they are adopting will integrate seemlessly into the fabric of their family dynamic? Wouldn’t you want to believe that with all your heart if you were choosing adoption?
As a society we have been trained to view adoption as the most natural thing in the world. The good choice, the perfect solution when in fact it is a completely unnatural state of being. That’s not necessarily always a bad thing, it’s just honest. There are plenty of things in this world we do that are unnatural but often necessary. We make it work but why pretend it’s the natural order of things?
Adoption agencies spend so much time on the whole home study thing, making sure the house is in order, the prospective parents are financially stable and to a certain extent probably even to prepare them emotionally. The problem is the agency tries to verse them in natural child rearing expectations instead of helping them understand the truth of the matter. I wonder how many adoption agencies spend time being honest and realistic with these prospective parents? Of course not many do because their main objective is rarely the best interest of the child. How many are told that this child will have trouble adjusting to an unnatural situation which could come out in a myriad of different ways? How many are told that no matter how much love you give this child the natural instincts of the desire to be in the arms of their natural mother will have a profound effect on said child? How many prospective parents could handle the truth and still proceed? The ones that could would be the ones that are truly meant to be parents because they would put the needs of their child above their own.
How unfair it seems to be an aparent. It’s easy to look in from the outside and judge. To say “well what did you expect? Trying to replace a child you could not have with another womans child.” but what part of that holds compassion? Since the beginning of time having children has been part of the process of normal everyday life. It is deep, profound instinct for most people to want to have children. I can imagine if you could not and you didn’t see yourself adopting, letting go of that natural instinctual desire to have a child would be the hardest thing in the world to do.
ALL of us are fed lies concerning the glory of adoption. Nobody is exempt from the rose colored glasses. For some of us it is easy to remove them but think how difficult it would be to remove them if you were an adoptive parent. You bet everything you have on this hand. What are you supposed to do, fold? I don’t think so. No, removing the glasses doesn’t seem like a good idea at all. So I get why they keep them on, what I don’t get is HOW they do it? How do you become an effective parent while only allowing yourself to see a false picture?
As an example something that infuriates me are aparents who make the choice to completely ignore the white flag being boldly flown by a natural mother. This is selfish and NOT in the best interest of their child. Period.
It would seem that for most natural parents it not only becomes easy to remove the rose colored glasses after a time but almost unavoidable to ignore the fact that they don’t fit, that they cause huge amounts of pain. Truth trumps and if you are strong enough to face the world with your own eyes you just take the damn things off. I think a woman like E tries to take them off but the truth is almost blinding and if you’re not strong enough it’s easier to just put the glasses back on. I see why she puts them back on. What I don’t see is HOW she can live a happy productive life after having viewed life without them? How do you go back to pretending things are still rosy when you know damn good and well life looks vastly different without them?
As an adoptee I tried to wear the glasses I was given but they have never fit comfortably and I am a comfort girl. Give me an old pair of jeans and one of my husband’s t-shirts and I am in heaven. I rarely wear shoes. My mindset is why wear em’ if they don’t feel good? It’s the same with adoption. It’s like I was forced to wear confining, tight clothing for years because I was told it made me look better. From the outside everyone who looked at me thought “YES she does indeed look fantastic!”.
Have you ever noticed how your personality shifts depending on what you’re wearing? When you are all dressed up you tend to hold your head up higher, stand straighter, walk prouder. But that isn’t a natural state of being is it? It’s fun for a time but how great does it feel to come home , throw on the comfy clothes and just BE YOURSELF?
We had all better learn to live without the glasses because if we don’t adoption reform will never occur and it needs to, for everyone.