Rose Colored Glasses

Note: I know I am just full of inconsistencies this week but whatever, it’s my blog. I said I wouldn’t write about my Mom and I did. I said I chose to use the term birth parent over natural parent but it just came out otherwise as I wrote. Maybe I am trying it on for size, I can’t really say for sure. It just happened……..well……….naturally. ;o) I’m still not sure how I feel about it but I have to admit reading through this post it seems appropriate.

Whose blog was I just reading where they said that they thought aparents were in a way victims of adoption too? I never really thought about that until I read it. I can see it. You have people who desperately want a family which I don’t want to even pretend what that feels like because I can’t. But I think society in general has led us to believe that to adopt would equally fill that void just as natural conception and childbirth would. That is a falacy.

Don’t we sort of set up aparents for a certain amount of failure right off the bat? Aren’t prospective adoptive parents led to believe that this child they are adopting will integrate seemlessly into the fabric of their family dynamic? Wouldn’t you want to believe that with all your heart if you were choosing adoption?

As a society we have been trained to view adoption as the most natural thing in the world. The good choice, the perfect solution when in fact it is a completely unnatural state of being. That’s not necessarily always a bad thing, it’s just honest. There are plenty of things in this world we do that are unnatural but often necessary. We make it work but why pretend it’s the natural order of things?

Adoption agencies spend so much time on the whole home study thing, making sure the house is in order, the prospective parents are financially stable and to a certain extent probably even to prepare them emotionally. The problem is the agency tries to verse them in natural child rearing expectations instead of helping them understand the truth of the matter. I wonder how many adoption agencies spend time being honest and realistic with these prospective parents? Of course not many do because their main objective is rarely the best interest of the child. How many are told that this child will have trouble adjusting to an unnatural situation which could come out in a myriad of different ways? How many are told that no matter how much love you give this child the natural instincts of the desire to be in the arms of their natural mother will have a profound effect on said child? How many prospective parents could handle the truth and still proceed? The ones that could would be the ones that are truly meant to be parents because they would put the needs of their child above their own.

How unfair it seems to be an aparent. It’s easy to look in from the outside and judge. To say “well what did you expect? Trying to replace a child you could not have with another womans child.” but what part of that holds compassion? Since the beginning of time having children has been part of the process of normal everyday life. It is deep, profound instinct for most people to want to have children. I can imagine if you could not and you didn’t see yourself adopting, letting go of that natural instinctual desire to have a child would be the hardest thing in the world to do.

ALL of us are fed lies concerning the glory of adoption. Nobody is exempt from the rose colored glasses. For some of us it is easy to remove them but think how difficult it would be to remove them if you were an adoptive parent. You bet everything you have on this hand. What are you supposed to do, fold? I don’t think so. No, removing the glasses doesn’t seem like a good idea at all. So I get why they keep them on, what I don’t get is HOW they do it? How do you become an effective parent while only allowing yourself to see a false picture?

As an example something that infuriates me are aparents who make the choice to completely ignore the white flag being boldly flown by a natural mother. This is selfish and NOT in the best interest of their child. Period.

It would seem that for most natural parents it not only becomes easy to remove the rose colored glasses after a time but almost unavoidable to ignore the fact that they don’t fit, that they cause huge amounts of pain. Truth trumps and if you are strong enough to face the world with your own eyes you just take the damn things off. I think a woman like E tries to take them off but the truth is almost blinding and if you’re not strong enough it’s easier to just put the glasses back on. I see why she puts them back on. What I don’t see is HOW she can live a happy productive life after having viewed life without them? How do you go back to pretending things are still rosy when you know damn good and well life looks vastly different without them?

As an adoptee I tried to wear the glasses I was given but they have never fit comfortably and I am a comfort girl. Give me an old pair of jeans and one of my husband’s t-shirts and I am in heaven. I rarely wear shoes. My mindset is why wear em’ if they don’t feel good? It’s the same with adoption. It’s like I was forced to wear confining, tight clothing for years because I was told it made me look better. From the outside everyone who looked at me thought “YES she does indeed look fantastic!”.

Have you ever noticed how your personality shifts depending on what you’re wearing? When you are all dressed up you tend to hold your head up higher, stand straighter, walk prouder. But that isn’t a natural state of being is it? It’s fun for a time but how great does it feel to come home , throw on the comfy clothes and just BE YOURSELF?

We had all better learn to live without the glasses because if we don’t adoption reform will never occur and it needs to, for everyone.



Filed under Adoptee Family

13 responses to “Rose Colored Glasses

  1. I am a little upset by this post because my whole family and extended family is made up of a lot of adoptees and NO can tell me they are any different than anyone else int he family. My cousin and I are both adoptees and were never treated any differently. Now my brother and three cousins have adopted and I will be adopting. No one ever has felt left out or treated any differently. We are all very close and no one has any “pshychological defects” from being adopted. I will Love and cherish my child as my own. I have friends who have children and we are on their wills to take over parenting should something bad happen to them – I could love them as my own. I know for people with children I imagine it’s difficult to imagine loving someone else’s child as your own—but after 12 years of Infertility you can only imagine how my child will be treated and cared for……
    I don’t mean to come across harsh but I want you to know there are other opinions and circumbstances out there that do not reflect your own. Maybe because I am over sensative about it as well. I’m sorry you had such a bad experience.

  2. Wow….. I don’t know how else to say it…great, insiteful post. Not imbued with emotional agnst, or viewed through those rose colored glases.

  3. Mia

    Well I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. A negative comment. Sigh…. Well, to each his or her own I say! You are fully entitled to your opinion.

    However, since this is MY blog I feel compelled to reply.

    First I must ask that you refrain from making all of these assumptions about me. I happen to have very dear friends that are going through infertility. I fail to see how you would have gotten the impression that I think this makes for a bad potential parent?!? I feel quiet the opposite thank you very much!

    It took a lot for me to post about my family. There is a REASON it was difficult for me. I happen to love my family very much. I have deleted the post about my family because I will not have you or anyone else explaining away my feelings and assuming that everything about my family has been bad or damaging and that I am just a typical bitter adoptee. It was one post about certain negative aspects of my family dynamic, not my whole freaking life. I blog to get things off my chest, to heal and to understand. Maybe I will replace it but right now I’m pissed.

    Let me ask you an important question Petunia. Why does the honest feelings and emotions of being adopted have to equal a DEFECT? I mean that is what this whole post was about, taking off the rose colored glasses and just being yourself. That happens to require living with both the good and the bad, the happy and the sad. I fail to see how experiencing life in its entirety somehow makes me defective.

    You say you were never treated any differently. My question to you is different than what? Different than had you been a biological child? I’ve got news for you, being adopted is, no matter how you cut it……..different.

    I noticed while reading your blog that you seem to have an aversion to differences. You might want to ponder the definition of the word a while. Different does not equal bad, it simply means not the same. Life of the same would be boring indeed.

  4. Mia

    Before someone reams me for it I meant to put quotations around “typical bitter adoptee”. Just as in “psychological defects”.

    Okie Dokie?

    Oh, and one more thing, after reading through this it occured to me that I probably could have simply said; Thank you for sharing what the view is like through those rose colored glasses. That would have sufficed. I rambled unnecessarily.

    OK, I’m done now.

  5. Whoa,
    One of the reasons I said “I don’t mean to come over harsh” was to tell you exactly that….
    I think you have the right to write anything you want….you put it on a public blog so that other people can read it and comment.

    I wanted to tell you not everyone thinks exactly the way you do. You wrote” ALL of us are fed lies concerning the glory of adoption” In my family – WE have all experienced AWESOME adoptions. No one is bitter or upset by it.

    You also wrote: “No, removing the glasses doesn’t seem like a good idea at all. So I get why they keep them on, what I don’t get is HOW they do it? How do you become an effective parent while only allowing yourself to see a false picture?” That’s the thing that bothered me. none of us have on rose colored glasses—-my cousin and I both met our biomoms….believe me, the right thing was done. There was no way they would have been good parents.

    And about the “not being treated differently”…all the adopted kids have siblings who are biological—no, nothing is different. You NEVER think of anyone being adopted – i didn’t even know for sure I was adopted until later – my cousin knew about herself – but I didn’t.

    I think instead of being over sensative about people commenting negatively (i don’t really think that this is – just a different opinion)You need to open up to other people’s views from their clean and clear glasses.

    There are biomoms who are good people and can handle open adoption situations and there are some that are not. Each case is VERY different….that’s the prblem with blanket reform.

    I’m not angry, I don’t dislike you (you’re right, i don’t even know you), I just wanted to comment….isn’t that part of this blogging thing??

  6. In some way, I think you’re correct in that adoption agencies have become more about supply and demand than they have finding parents for children who need them. It’s become about aparents more than children. Adoption is a huge business in this country. I’m not saying that adoption is all bad and that adoptees are doomed to be bitter, but there are problems and lots of them surrounding adoption that people don’t want to talk about. Adoption agencies and society for that matter has done a poor job of addressing those problems.

    There are many out there who share many of your feelings. Keep bloggin’ away. Thanks for the link and I’ve linked you on my adoption blog.

  7. Mia

    Yes Petunia you are right. I welcome your visits and your comments. I started off replying to you in a civilized manner but my emotions got the best of me so for that I apologise.

    I still feel like you are making generalizations though. If you have been reading my blog for a while you would know that I am not anti-adoption at all. What I am is Pro-Truth.

    I think you have missed the point here. I’m happy you have had such a wonderful experience but isn’t it safe to say that the fact that you were not told you were adopted pretty much the essence of this whole post? Regardless of whether or not your birth mother would have made a suitable parent? That is not the point. The point is all about people pretending you are something you are not.If you being adopted caused your parents no discomfort, if they were seeing clearly and not rosy, why the secrets?

    I haven’t blogged about my views on adoption reform so to assume that I think this just means open adoptions would be incorrect. I am not saying I don’t believe in open adoption but there is a LOT more to my thoughts on the subject.

  8. Mia

    Thanks Sume! I can’t wait to read your poetry!

  9. Mia, this was a wonderful, insightful post and I’m so glad you wrote it.

  10. I understand what you are saying. You are not saying that adoption in itself is bad, you are saying that if it were approached with honesty and education then things would be better for everyone. I also agree with your thoughts on the “difference”. It took me a long time to realize that different did not equal bad. Keep on blogging, this is about YOUR processing and YOUR adoption experience. Everyone’s experience is different.

  11. Mia

    That’s it exactly. I appreciate the encouragement I receive from so many of you.
    It helps, it really does.

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