ER was a repeat so I watched Primetime last night. Why I didn’t go read a book I can’t say but I should have.

Primetime was about these people who have the uncontrollable urge to releave themselves of their own limbs. They feel unnatural with their legs attached and go to great lengths to rid themselves of them!!! OMG.

My Mom used to say “its like cutting off your nose in spite of your face”. I’m still not entirely sure what the heck that means but the show made me think of it.

You know how this whole adoption thing becomes too much sometimes? You know how we all feel we need a break from it? So life doesn’t cooperate and it’s a subject that seems to be EVERYWHERE, on TV, in conversation, in our dreams. Even when I know I need a break I still find myself reading blogs, answering posts, talking about it with a stranger who has an adopted child etc…

Do you suppose it’s possible that in our desperate attempt to heal from our pain we may actually be taking part in self destructive behavior by basically obsessing about the subject? Sort of like cutting off our own legs to rid ourselves of the pain of feeling unnatural? Do you see the parallel I am trying to make here? Is the fact that the subject is a constant in my life, always present, self destructive? I mean what is the alternative? It surely seems beyond me to let it go. I keep telling myself I am working through it but what is IT? What exactly do I hope to work through?

I’m not trying to make myself feel totally unstable here, honest. I just wonder why it is I seem to have very little control over releasing myself from the burden, even temporarily, of this part of my life. I always felt E’s ability to block all of this out was self destructive. I am wondering though if there isn’t something cathartic about that method of coping. Hmmm maybe I just answered my own question. Coping vs Healing.

So if healing by dealing with the issues head on is better than coping by blocking it all out I think the question still remains; How do we keep from crossing the line between working through the pain to become productive and whole and knowing when we are just cutting off our own legs?



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10 responses to “Questions

  1. Mia, this is such an important post, I’d take up your entire comments section with my reaction. Instead, I think I might have to blog about it myself.

  2. Very interesting post, from a number of points of view.
    I’m going to obsess about it (only kidding).
    But I will think about it.

  3. You brought up a lot of good points.

    As for myself, when I finally reunited, it was like having a 50 lb weight off my back.

    I never realized the level of anxiety I was carrying around over the whole search/reunion thing until it was gone. 😦

    Fab post!

  4. Mia

    I wonder then if reunion outcome has some, most or everything to do with the “obsession” thing???

  5. Mia,

    You make a really good point. I remember what one of my professors in grad school said- the more you focus on the problem the worse it gets. I think there is a fine line. There is a balance where you can’t avoid your feelings to heal, but can’t obsess over it either.

  6. I think it’s important to take healing action. Affirmations, self esteem boosting, identifying what aspects of adoption have a negative effect on you and seeing if you can counteract them. Talking about your feelings and being validated is part of healing. Telling your story and being heard is part of the process I believe. And I think you have to go through the obsessed stage where you can be negative to get to the other side.

  7. Mia

    Very good points Kim. I will sit with this for a while.

  8. Anonymous

    Oh, kiddo… once again you have touched on such an insightful and painful truth about life for many adoptees. I wrestle with this very same question right now… I’m doing ‘the work’ of consciously dealing with all this shite… but man… when does it END and when, as you say… are we letting it rob us of our quality of life. I don’t have the answer… but it’s a relief to know we’re not alone in these thoughts.

    Much affection… as always.

  9. hmmm… for some reason that post came up as anon… but it’s me… Manuela from Pink Line.

  10. suz

    totally get what you are saying and i worry about the same stuff.

    am i overidentifying with it? am i letting it define me? but then again, doesnt it some how?

    for me, i think the “obsession” is a primal desire to fix something that cannot be fixed. to get back something that cannot be gotten back. its a constant battle between head and heart. yeah, my mind knows the truth and focuses on acceptance and understanding but my heart is wailing like an angry two year old. i want my baby back. but i cannot have her back. its not logical, possible, realistic.

    for me, healing is focused on acceptance, on understanding.

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