ER was a repeat so I watched Primetime last night. Why I didn’t go read a book I can’t say but I should have.
Primetime was about these people who have the uncontrollable urge to releave themselves of their own limbs. They feel unnatural with their legs attached and go to great lengths to rid themselves of them!!! OMG.
My Mom used to say “its like cutting off your nose in spite of your face”. I’m still not entirely sure what the heck that means but the show made me think of it.
You know how this whole adoption thing becomes too much sometimes? You know how we all feel we need a break from it? So life doesn’t cooperate and it’s a subject that seems to be EVERYWHERE, on TV, in conversation, in our dreams. Even when I know I need a break I still find myself reading blogs, answering posts, talking about it with a stranger who has an adopted child etc…
Do you suppose it’s possible that in our desperate attempt to heal from our pain we may actually be taking part in self destructive behavior by basically obsessing about the subject? Sort of like cutting off our own legs to rid ourselves of the pain of feeling unnatural? Do you see the parallel I am trying to make here? Is the fact that the subject is a constant in my life, always present, self destructive? I mean what is the alternative? It surely seems beyond me to let it go. I keep telling myself I am working through it but what is IT? What exactly do I hope to work through?
I’m not trying to make myself feel totally unstable here, honest. I just wonder why it is I seem to have very little control over releasing myself from the burden, even temporarily, of this part of my life. I always felt E’s ability to block all of this out was self destructive. I am wondering though if there isn’t something cathartic about that method of coping. Hmmm maybe I just answered my own question. Coping vs Healing.
So if healing by dealing with the issues head on is better than coping by blocking it all out I think the question still remains; How do we keep from crossing the line between working through the pain to become productive and whole and knowing when we are just cutting off our own legs?