September In April

Ever since E’s call I have had this sense of peace that I have not felt in a very long time. I had peace that is until today. Today is not such a good day.

I would like to name the peace I felt up to now; Hope. But that isn’t entirely accurate because there is a part of me that knows she called for mostly selfish reasons. I know in my heart it had very little to do with wanting to get to know me and very much to do with wanting to find out just how close I am to finding my father.

It is so entirely obvious to me that she is scared straight that I am going to find him. She said over and over again how she could care less if I searched but the FEAR, my God the fear, it was so evident I could have reached out and touched it. Thick, cloudy grey fear.

Of course a certain amount of sympathy might be in order here right? Sorry. No sympathy from me. The sympathy has subsided and given way to muted anger on bad days and a tired acceptance most other days. I simply refuse to enable her selfish behavior any longer.

She insists the event of my conception wasn’t horrifying or anything, just a simple case of too much to drink. Not that his behavior was anywhere near acceptable. I have my own feelings about it but I can only comprehend her feelings based on what she tells me and of course by her actions. She “doesn’t hate the guy, doesn’t know the first thing about him but why in the world it should be important for me to find him is beyond her. ”

It’s all crap. Her line of questioning about my OBC and whether or not I thought a name would be on there gave her away. So does her ever changing story. I wonder, does she have ANY idea how much pain this causes me?

Telling me I should sue CC for falsifying information and now saying she believes it’s possible she gave them the information based loosely on the men in her life at the time.

Basically telling me I am unstable for wanting to search for my birth father.

Calling me unsympathetic for being heartfelt in my initial contact with them as though sharing my heart, my very being, was somehow cruel on my part. As if her inability to be kind and real should have somehow rubbed off on me. How dare I be a nice person!

Naming me unreasonable for wanting to know my medical history, unrealistic for expecting them to accept me and God forbid actually embrace my presence! Yes, my sympathy is taking a nose dive.

So why today? I was doing so well! My feelings and emotions have been dishonest with me. I was so sure I was gaining ground on the wholeness front then WHAMMO……..not so good. Do you want to know what set me back? A song. JUST a song.

My birthday is in September. I have never cared for my birthday. During the entire month of September I can usually feel the dark cloud that hovered over me as I came into this world wrap itself around my being like an itchy, annoying wool scarf. All of the pain and sadness that was born with me, coating my baby self, comes to visit in September. I thought I just missed my mother but to be honest I believe there is more to it. I believe the imprint of negative energy that surrounded my birth follows me to this day.

I have observed my children’s personalities and discovered something amazing. The birth experience has a great deal to do with who they are.

My daughter B came into the world with soft music, candlelight and peaceful joy. She is an easygoing, carefree soul.

My daughter H was pulled out of me by an idiot doctor who didn’t know the first thing about the natural birthing process. He terrified me, terrified my husband and traumatized my baby. H is timid, shy and untrusting unless she gets to know you. My beautiful H.

My daughter S decided she was coming whether we were prepared or not. 20 minutes begining to end, barely caught her as she flew into this world. We were surprised, caught off guard by our joyful S. We felt this stunned awe in her presence that she makes us feel each and every day. My S is independant and strong willed. She knows her mind, knows what she wants and usually gets it.

My son J was delivered C-Sec back when doctors did that routinely so they could make their golf game on time. J was not ready to leave me. They forced the issue. My boy still walks through this world as though not quite ready for what’s to come. Slightly confused and caught off guard. His humor is his greatest asset. If you can’t beat em’ join em’!!!

I came into this world surrounded by feelings of great sadness and regret. I’m sure I was loved but that physical love was temporary, fleeting, inadequit to sustain me at such a tender age. I was handled by cold, steril, duty filled robots who had no warmth to offer. I assume I was left confused, fearful, sad, untrusting and needy. Yes, I do happen to struggle out of the skin of these character traits and always have.

So back to the song that set me off. Why should it bother me in April, so far from my birthday? Heck if I know. I was doing so well!

Ahhhh sigh……….It is what it is and I have no regret. Life’s lessons and our purpose on this Earth and all of that. It’s just some days the lessons are more gently received.

Wake Me Up When September Ends
by Greenday

Summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast

Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
As my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost

Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began

Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
As my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost

Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father’s come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “September In April

  1. Wow. So much of what you write resonates with my own experience. You get down to the psychic level where I’ve lived all my life. I truly think that our birth is a continuation rather than a beginning. Like I wrote on my blog, my first daughter K was born emergency c-section and she is sometimes as lost as I am, yet she has her own tough response. My second, N, told me impatiently she wanted to get here, and fast, even before she was conceived. I got to bond with her, unlike my first. She is exactly the way I “heard” her. Me, I’ve always felt like an outside, a mistake, unwanted, and inferior. Didn’t matter a whit how much my aparents told me they wanted me. And the song lyrics you quoted really touched me. I heard a song by Enya last week that brought tears to my eyes–“If I Could Be Where You Are.” I’ll put the lyrics on my blog tomorrow. Really beautiful. I fantasize it’s my bmom singing it to me. Love your blog.

  2. Mia

    Oh don’t get me started on Enya or I will be here all day!!!

    It’s like I don’t listen TO songs, I find myself listening FOR songs, you know?

    Songs that make some sense of my life and of my purpose, songs that touch me, speak to me. I usually find answers to my questions in the way of validation through music.

    Enya speaks to me often. She is my sad salve. ;o)

  3. Aside from being beautifully written and resonating with me, it gave me chills.

    I’m a September baby, too (a New Year’s Eve conception). That song draws me in for the same reasons.

    I’m going to start hearing twilight zone music everytime I read your blog, Mia.

  4. This was a really beautiful post, Mia.

    Thanks for writing it. 🙂

  5. suz

    HOLY CRAP, Mia. That Enya song….I like Enya and was not familiar with that one..you mentioned it..I looked it up on Napster and proceeded to burst into hears, heart pouding. The hunger for my daughter just overwhelmed me.

    Thanks for sharing.

  6. Sorry you’re having to deal the bull-shit, Mia. It’s sad how these things spill over onto the person who should least have to put up with ancient crap. Unfortunately it happens. My son’s father and I have tried not to put any on him, but I know we haven’t always done the greatest job. That said, at least we’ve been forthright about identity and such (not that we had a choice anyway, if we wanted to find him).
    “Tired acceptance” sounds almost worst than muted anger. I hope she gets over herself, for her own sake, even, as well as yours.

  7. Rel

    Hi Mia,

    I found it really interesting to read about the parallels between the ways in which your children were born and their personalities now. I had never thought of it like that. And i can see now how your birth and seperation would have impacted on you.

    Generally i celebrate my birthday (also in September.. are you a Virgo also?) and it’s got me to wondering about my own situation. I was wrapped in foil and given to my mum when i was born… yes foil!! i think this has just made me a silly person :p But i wonder if the “seperation” from my biological father even before birth had an impact on me? Who knows?

    Anyway, i do feel for you Mia. E is obviously scared of something, but it’s your right to find your biological father, no one elses! Don’t let her put you off. I pray that you find him…. he is missing out a such a wonderful woman.

    xo

  8. Mia

    Suz Yes, Enya is awesome. Her songs really touch me too.

    Kippa Tired acceptance IS worse than muted anger. Tired acceptance makes me feel defeated.

    Rel thanks. That was kind of you to say. Foil huh? So was it like Reynolds Wrap heavy duty? lol How wild! lolol Anyway, silly is cool.

  9. Mia… what a heart-wrenching post… if you don’t mind I’d like to quote some of what you wrote here on my blog… with credit of course… because what you describe about the veil of pain and sadness that you feel surrounds your life… oh my god… I feel that we are the same person when I read those words.

  10. Mia

    YEAAAA Manuela you’re back!!! Of course, anything you want to take from here you are welcome to.

    I can’t wait to pop over to your blog and see how your trip was!

    Welcome home.

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