I visited my Mom yesterday and she gave me a letter that she stumbled upon while going through a drawer in her bedroom. It was a letter written to me by an old boyfriend of mine. So much was lost when they moved I find it absolutely amazing that this old letter somehow safely made the journey across country!
The memories of my past can make me unbelievably sad so I rarely visit there. Uncomfortable visions invade any soft places from my past so I usually leave the whole thing under lock and key, but not today. This letter took me back. My Mom obviously kept this letter back then as proof of my wild and wicked ways. Now, four children and 20 years later I think all of the ammunition (her intended purpose for keeping it) has expired. Even she could see the humor in it.
Today I took out the letter and read it again, held it in my hands, closed my eyes and went to a place that actually held great joy for me. It wasn’t a healthy place, it wasn’t a productive place but it was a place I found great comfort in at the time. I discovered that regardless of the types of choices I made they were a means of escape and they were my choices to make.
Here are some of the wonderful lessons I have been afforded by my experiences;
I pondered these characteristics for a while and realized that along with the healing I am experiencing (by hard and dedicated effort) comes this great sense of peace. The sharp edges of my past become softer, more touchable. I can see the need my soul had to experience these things and how my choices, no matter how destructive, served not only to teach me the lessons I needed to learn but also shaped the person I am today.
I know I still have a long journey ahead but today I am feeling gratitude instead of pain. The sweet sadness of fond memories is not something I have allowed myself until today. Evidence that the joyful memories are there, not all of the memories are bad. I see now that when I buried the painful experiences I also buried the positive, joyful memories too.
Today I think I may just be ready to pick up a shovel and start digging. I think it may be safe to do so. I wonder what I will uncover!