I Have Come So Far

To read my blog would lead someone to believe my entire existance consists of all things adoption. Why I feel the need to explain this has to do with my personality. I find myself explaining my actions pretty often. I worry far too much about what others think. Hey, at least I can see that aspect of my personality clearly! As with most things, it improves with age.

I have a wonderful life, really I do. In the scheme of things I spend very little time solely concentrating on adoption. Although it’s constantly present it’s not always at the front of the line. That is what this blog is for, undivided attention concerning my adoption journey. I think it is important enough in my life to deserve some undivided attention so that is what I give it here. It’s great because when I close my computer I feel like I have progressed and it is far easier to leave it here and get on with life since I started blogging.

I called my brother yesterday. Talking to my brother is always a little strange for me. He is the biological son of my aparents, 21 years my senior. I wish I could say we were close but geography and age have played a part in our emotional distance from one another. I now live closer to him and we communicate more often but honestly it’s like getting to know a stranger.

I talked to my mom about my adoption and she suggested I ask my brother some of the questions I had. Why I am still not sure. Everything about my adoption is unusual. So many things were not handled as they normally would have been and it adds to my uneasy feeling about the whole thing. It’s hard to tell who might be telling the truth and who might be keeping secrets from me. I hate that! I hate not being able to look at my parents without feeling like they are keeping things from me. It has changed the dynamic of our relationship which I find so crazy. You find aparents who keep secrets from their children in an attempt to keep the family dynamic intact and yet those secrets end up manifesting exactly what they try to avoid. Isn’t that ironic?

I’m not saying I am completely sure my parents have kept anything from me. I have absolutely no proof of this. In all fairness to them they have been extremelty supportive and always try to answer my questions when I ask them. There are just so many details about my adoption that don’t make any sense it is quite obvious SOMEBODY is lying. It may be E, it may be my parents, it may be CC, it may be a combination of all of them. It is so hard to say. Honestly I doubt I will ever get the whole truth and so it’s back to journaling on the blog. As I learned from my brother yesterday I believe it is so I can be OK with what I DO have and eventually feel good about letting it go.

Back to the conversation with my brother. I asked him what made our parents decide to adopt so many years after he was born. He said he had no idea. One day they told him they were considering it and it seemed the next they had a baby. My parents were approved the end of August and got me one month later. Odd, no? Oh, there’s sooooo many more details that just don’t fit the usual adoption mold but I don’t know how comfortable I am talking about them for the world to read so maybe I will just leave it at that for now.

I want to get at the truth of the matter regarding how my adoption was handled so I can establish whether or not there was credibility to E’s story that they “made up” my birthfather. I know facts were sometimes embellised in an attempt to make babies more sellable. Harsh? I don’t think so. This is exactly why they did it. However, I have yet to run across anyone who has an entire identity made up from beginning to end in their non-id. I would be interested to hear if anyone has heard of this before.

Then there is the issue of money “donated” to CC for my adoption every single month for…………are you ready for this?……………..TWENTY ONE YEARS. You would have to know my parents to know that it is totally possible this was done innocently enough, sort of viewed as a tithe to the Catholic church as opposed to money they paid for me directly. I am currently looking into it to see if I can find out how much money was given. If I find out there is truth to the figure my mom recalls they gave monthly I am going to blow a cork, not with them but with CC. Is it any wonder the Catholic church stands at the front of the courtroom screaming the loudest to keep records sealed? So many skeletons to hide, so little time.

I wasn’t able to obtain much new information from my brother although I did learn that he agrees that if CC is guilty of the money issue it should be made public and also that he seemed very much for open records which surprised the hell out of me considering his reaction when I told him I was going to search several years ago.

He left me with something comforting as he told about his patients journey from deaf to hearing. It’s a twist on the whole “it’s the journey not the destination” speech but better. He said that his patients get so frustrated because they are not at a certain anticipated level of hearing. He tells them to recall where they were when they first walked into his office, screaming, unable to hear themselves think. Now they can carry on a conversation, they can hear. So his point was it isn’t how far you have to go that one should concentrate on so much as how far you have come. He’s right because when I started this journey I knew nothing. I may not have all of my answers but I have far more than I did when I began. Thanks brother-o-mine, it’s good advice!

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “I Have Come So Far

  1. Wow. Lots of unanswered questions there. Good to see you’re going with your gut instead of just accepting the status quo.

    I’m glad you could talk to your brother about things. 🙂

  2. Mia

    Thank you so much, I’m glad too.

  3. I just finished absorbing your writing. We have some things in common — siblings who had no clue, for decades, we existed and totally invented descriptions of our fathers on our non-id.

    You’ve had a rough road getting to where you are and I am sort of amazed at how well you process it all. I don’t think I could have done that in the midst of the craziness of search and reunion.

  4. I love this post. Of course there is so much more to you than what you blog about here. I find writing in my blog frees my head up for the other things in my life.

  5. Rel

    “As I learned from my brother yesterday I believe it is so I can be OK with what I DO have and eventually feel good about letting it go.”

    firstly, i wanted to say that i enjoyed reading this post. I feel for you and i find it amazing at the similarities still.

    about the above quote i am just interested in what you mean by letting it go?

    I just think it’s more something you learn to live with (having missing/unknown family) and i couldn’t imagine it being let go. Not sure if i am making sense, and not having a go at you, just wanting to discuss this point as it is something i have been thinking about lately.

    Like, for example i see not knowing my father and my paternal family as a loss, however it is unlike an ordinary loss as there is no specific start of end, it is continuos. I often wonder how this loss for me will grow and change, how i will manage it… but i don’t think it will ever go away. ya know?

    xo

  6. Mia

    Rhonda thank you for commenting. I haven’t had time to read much of your blog but I intend to. What I did read was salve to my soul because I finally got the answer to my question regarding completely invented identities. I received many replies but those that had things changed were just bits and pieces you know? Not the whole dang thing. I don’t know exactly why this revelation would make me feel better but for some wierd reason it does. I will have to give this some thought.

    Rel honey I agree with you and probably using the words “let it go” is not quite accurate.
    Not knowing thus far has been damaging, seriously damaging. It has affected my emotional well-being and thus my health. This is not acceptable. So by saying I want to find a way to let it go I guess what I mean is I want to find my way to a healthier perspective. It is becoming increasingly evident that I may never get the truth. So, what does one do? Live their entire lives consumed by loss? I don’t want the loss to make me unproductive, sad, angry, consumed and ugly anymore.I want the loss to be a part of what makes me strong, creative, helpful, beautiful, you know?
    There has to be a way to make this part of me become productive instead of damaging. That is what I seek.

  7. [I finally got the answer to my question regarding completely invented identities. I received many replies but those that had things changed were just bits and pieces you know?]

    In my situation, it was my mother who invented my father’s identity. She intended to leave him unnamed, but then was asked for background information. She told me (when I confronted her about what my non-id said) that she thought of a person she knew and gave his information.

    When I received my non-id, there was tons of information on my father, sans his name. But, his occupation was very public record. With my first phone call to the court clerk in the county where “he’d” been employed, I got a small list of potentials. My second call connected me to a clerk who’d served all those years and “knew that son-of-a-bitch who came in here with a different woman on his arm every week . . . ” She had no problem giving me ALL that man’s information (I think, perhaps, she’d been scorned by him or something.)

    So, for a while, I was sure my father was a fire chief in a particular town — a wife-cheating, baby making scoundrel. But, I hit a dead end finding him and finally re-routed my search to contact my mother. And, of course, found out the whole thing had been a lie. Incidentally, the guy I’d been chasing was the friend my mother had “modeled” my father’s ID from. She was surprised I’d almost succeeded hunting him down.

  8. Rel

    Mia,

    I love your honesty and I can relate to you so much in your feelings. I am not sure if you have heard of the concept of ‘disenfranchised grief’, if not go get a book about it.. or read Evelyn Robinson’s stuff about it, it truly helped me to understand why i had taken on this loss at such a personal (sometimes damaging) level.

    I think you are on the right track for sure. I think ‘learning to live with it’ is the best way to describe it, although that too sounds a little cliche… I agree though, making this loss a positive force will definately be helpful.

    In my case I decided to study social work to help make a difference and support/advocate for others in my position. This is not to say all adoptees and DC people should do the same, but this is how i am channeling my anger and frustration into something good. And i tell you what, it has made a BIG difference in my life. I think i would be miserable if i was not actively doing something with all the emotion!!!

    So whatever the path for you is to get to this point i hope you find it soon. It may even just be drawing, or making music of some sort (not sure if you’re into these :p), but you understand what i mean.

    you sound like such an amazing soul! i feel honoured to read your blog! ok getting too corny now hehe.

    xo

  9. I just noticed that you have the Colorado search and reunion link in your sidebar.

    If you’re in our neck of the woods, you should ditch the family and come spend an annual summer weekend up here in the mountains with us adoptees doing stereo-typical Adopted Child Syndrome-types of things.

    You know–getting drunk, stealing from the neighbors, torturing animals, setting fires, peeing on stuff.

    Sometimes adoptive and bio parents join us, but we kill them in a ritual adoptee-serial-killer spree before the weekend is over. LOL

  10. This post has been removed by the author.

  11. you know… unfortunately a lot of a-parents do keep secrets that they don’t believe are lies. i’ve read that some, as you’ve said, are trying to keep the family intact. trying to not make waves. but on a more specific level, i believe they are trying to not “stick out” like a sore thumb. they don’t want to point out any perceived weaknesses. something that is funny… my friends are trying to adopt. they are so unbelievably aware, sensitive, open, and secure about everything. but “back in the day” i guess adopting a child meant that secrets were necessary to keep people from thinking you’re defective. like something is shameful about the fact you weren’t able to conceive, or something is shameful about the fact that your child was unwanted by someone else. either way, the secrets perpetuate an atmosphere of rejection. is it any wonder why i had four imaginary friends when i was in first grade?

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