To read my blog would lead someone to believe my entire existance consists of all things adoption. Why I feel the need to explain this has to do with my personality. I find myself explaining my actions pretty often. I worry far too much about what others think. Hey, at least I can see that aspect of my personality clearly! As with most things, it improves with age.
I have a wonderful life, really I do. In the scheme of things I spend very little time solely concentrating on adoption. Although it’s constantly present it’s not always at the front of the line. That is what this blog is for, undivided attention concerning my adoption journey. I think it is important enough in my life to deserve some undivided attention so that is what I give it here. It’s great because when I close my computer I feel like I have progressed and it is far easier to leave it here and get on with life since I started blogging.
I called my brother yesterday. Talking to my brother is always a little strange for me. He is the biological son of my aparents, 21 years my senior. I wish I could say we were close but geography and age have played a part in our emotional distance from one another. I now live closer to him and we communicate more often but honestly it’s like getting to know a stranger.
I talked to my mom about my adoption and she suggested I ask my brother some of the questions I had. Why I am still not sure. Everything about my adoption is unusual. So many things were not handled as they normally would have been and it adds to my uneasy feeling about the whole thing. It’s hard to tell who might be telling the truth and who might be keeping secrets from me. I hate that! I hate not being able to look at my parents without feeling like they are keeping things from me. It has changed the dynamic of our relationship which I find so crazy. You find aparents who keep secrets from their children in an attempt to keep the family dynamic intact and yet those secrets end up manifesting exactly what they try to avoid. Isn’t that ironic?
I’m not saying I am completely sure my parents have kept anything from me. I have absolutely no proof of this. In all fairness to them they have been extremelty supportive and always try to answer my questions when I ask them. There are just so many details about my adoption that don’t make any sense it is quite obvious SOMEBODY is lying. It may be E, it may be my parents, it may be CC, it may be a combination of all of them. It is so hard to say. Honestly I doubt I will ever get the whole truth and so it’s back to journaling on the blog. As I learned from my brother yesterday I believe it is so I can be OK with what I DO have and eventually feel good about letting it go.
Back to the conversation with my brother. I asked him what made our parents decide to adopt so many years after he was born. He said he had no idea. One day they told him they were considering it and it seemed the next they had a baby. My parents were approved the end of August and got me one month later. Odd, no? Oh, there’s sooooo many more details that just don’t fit the usual adoption mold but I don’t know how comfortable I am talking about them for the world to read so maybe I will just leave it at that for now.
I want to get at the truth of the matter regarding how my adoption was handled so I can establish whether or not there was credibility to E’s story that they “made up” my birthfather. I know facts were sometimes embellised in an attempt to make babies more sellable. Harsh? I don’t think so. This is exactly why they did it. However, I have yet to run across anyone who has an entire identity made up from beginning to end in their non-id. I would be interested to hear if anyone has heard of this before.
Then there is the issue of money “donated” to CC for my adoption every single month for…………are you ready for this?……………..TWENTY ONE YEARS. You would have to know my parents to know that it is totally possible this was done innocently enough, sort of viewed as a tithe to the Catholic church as opposed to money they paid for me directly. I am currently looking into it to see if I can find out how much money was given. If I find out there is truth to the figure my mom recalls they gave monthly I am going to blow a cork, not with them but with CC. Is it any wonder the Catholic church stands at the front of the courtroom screaming the loudest to keep records sealed? So many skeletons to hide, so little time.
I wasn’t able to obtain much new information from my brother although I did learn that he agrees that if CC is guilty of the money issue it should be made public and also that he seemed very much for open records which surprised the hell out of me considering his reaction when I told him I was going to search several years ago.
He left me with something comforting as he told about his patients journey from deaf to hearing. It’s a twist on the whole “it’s the journey not the destination” speech but better. He said that his patients get so frustrated because they are not at a certain anticipated level of hearing. He tells them to recall where they were when they first walked into his office, screaming, unable to hear themselves think. Now they can carry on a conversation, they can hear. So his point was it isn’t how far you have to go that one should concentrate on so much as how far you have come. He’s right because when I started this journey I knew nothing. I may not have all of my answers but I have far more than I did when I began. Thanks brother-o-mine, it’s good advice!