May you find some comfort here.

Thank you for all of the awesome replies to my posts. It is so validating to hear from each one of you!

Well, I bit the bullet, squelched my fear and picked up the phone. E and I talked for a few hours. I was surprised that she talked to me and I guess if you look at the big picture it was a positive step. She did most of the talking. She had a lot to say. So do I but maybe that will come another day?

I was left feeling like that guy who was run over by his wife not once but like six times. Back and forth, back and forth. Here are just a few of the things I learned from E;

-She “informed” me that 90% of birthmothers do NOT wish to be found. Where did she get this fascinating statistic? patrobertson.org?

-She said more than once that all I have to do is go to Kansas City (?!?) to get all of my records. She is under the impression that I have, in my person, alllllll of my records! Didn’t believe me when I told her this was not the case. Again she said all I had to do was go to Kansas City!
Why in the world I didn’t think of this is beyond me. Of COURSE! Kansas City!

-That by me writing a long letter to my siblings instead of just a brief note I had been selfish which had a devastating effect on them. (I would like to note here that the intermediary made it very clear I had one shot at this. I really felt I needed to not only explain who I was but why I was searching if this contact was all there was going to be. My letters were indeed long but they were also carefully thought out, kind, honest and sincere, really from the heart.) It was completely beyond her that their sadness could have possibly come from the fact that their mother lied to them for 30 plus years. Their pain was my fault period. Not that I don’t understand the secrecy I just think she could own some of this!

-She swore that the non-id I received from CC regarding my birthfather is completely false from beginning to end. She said she gave thought to whether she may have made it up but she again swore that there was no way she could have come up with such a detailed description of a non-existant and most awesome sounding person. sigh….
I am really pissed about this. I have a real need now to know who is making up what. How do I deal with the possiblility that CC could have created an entire false identity for me to believe in? Am I the only one who thinks this is nothing short of criminal? Is she lying? Are they?

-She wonders if they could make up all of that stuff about bdad then what’s to say they didn’t make a mistake about she and I? Am I reallllyyyyy her daughter? I guess the fact that we have the same rare blood type and LOOK so much alike means squat. I told her I would be more then happy to have a DNA test done and she seemed pleased. Do I have to pay for that too?

-She wanted me to be clear on the point that she was totally angry that they had lied to her about remaining anonomous forever. I told her I understood that she felt betrayed but tried to calmly explain that although it was indeed unfair, that they had made her promises they had no right to make on my behalf. Deaf ears.

-She “could care less” (seems to be a theme with this family) if I looked for my birthfather but that I was wasting time and money doing so and there was no way she was going to help me. E is the only person in the world who knows anything at all about my bfather so this point is just plain painful. She said it isn’t at all about her being worried he will show back up in her life, that is not a concern for her. She asked me “what if he is devastated by you contacting him?” I asked her why in the world she would care considering what she says he did to her? She had no answer for that.

-She said she couldn’t understand why in the world someone would search for their birthfamily. She said I know she is Italian that should be enough. Like being Italian is allllll that? lol I mean I love being half Italian and am a huge fan of Tuscany and pinot griegio but please!

-She said in this day and age we dont need medical history because there are plenty of tests to determine illnesses. I think next time I go to the doctors office I will write that at the bottom where it asks for medical history. I think I will also inform the insurance companies that they will definately need to cover a battery of tests for me because I am adopted. Yes?

-She in no way shape or form whishes to be a mother to me or a grandmother to my children. Damn, and I was really hoping to add to my yearly pile of Christmas loot! Oh well.

-Lastly I asked her how she would like me to proceed. Honestly at that point I was sort of hoping she woud just say piss off forever. I could have walked away knowing I had done everything I could but no such luck. She said she would maybe like to establish some sort of friendship but that it absolutely needed to be on HER TERMS. I wish I had known our non-existant relationship had been on my terms all these years. It might have made me feel better.

Even though I am left feeling pretty stunned I feel good that I took that step and called. It made me feel like for a brief moment I was in control of a small portion of this situation. Now it may be back to her terms but my moment in the sun felt good and I now see things somewhat differently. Now that I have tasted freedom I may just have to take back control of my own happiness and sense of well-being permanently! Maybe having a person like this in my life is not in MY best interest. Imagine that.

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there’s always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
let me be empty
oh and weightless then maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you feel
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there’s vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don’t make no difference
escaping one last time
it’s easier to believe
in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you feel
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Angel
by Sarah McLaughlin

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8 Comments

Filed under Adoptee Family, Natural Family

8 responses to “May you find some comfort here.

  1. Oh… I am just SOOOOOO F*cking ANGRY at this woman! SO angry! Whatever her reasons might be… guilt… denial… whatever… she’s still a completely narcisstic COW for treating you with such disdain and disrespect. I’m sorry if my reaction is over the top here… but DAMN this woman seems COMPLETELY incapable of compassion of behaving with any sense of responsibility.

    And… speaking purely from a gut reaction… and having watched the dynamic between my birth mother and birth father… after I was found… (they never saw or spoke to eachother again since long before I was born) I get the SNEAKING suspicion that there’s SOMETHING up. Thesre’s a REASON she’s trying to ‘protect’ him… and I’m really just not buying that somebody ‘just made it all up’… I think it’s FAR more likely… that a woman who is behaving so completely selfishly and unconscionably is more likely to be the culprit of an untruth.

    Again… feel free to tell me to back off… I’m probably way out of line here… but the way she is treating you has me just SEEEETHING.

  2. Manuela is right. More later. As for her statistics that most birth moms do not want to be found WRONG! I think there are more than some want to believe, but nothing close to 90%!

  3. Your birth mom is so totally off on so many things. I don’t know what problems/issues she has that cause her to act as she does towards you. I wonder – she just doesn’t sound as though she is a very sensitive kind person in general – to anyone. Maybe she is, I don’t know.

    But, her behavior towards you is so awful. And it is hard to make excuses for her. I think you may just have to accept that’s who she is – not a very nice, sensitive person.

    And I agree with Manuela too that there’s probably something funny going on too with the birth dad issue.

    I am sorry she doesn’t embrace and love you like a mother should.

  4. Mia

    Thank you! It feels good to hear what I know but don’t have the courage to come right out and say!

    I think you are both absolutely right on all counts. The crazy thing is I would NEVER put up with this treatment from anyone in my life and find it completely over the top that I even give her any effort what so ever. It’s just that I hate the thought of going through life thinking my own mother could be such an ass!

    Hard to believe she has more concern for a guy who supposedly raped her than her own daughter. She certainly doesn’t make it easy to believe her does she?

    I am to the point where I think I just need to cut my losses but there is a small part of me who still wishes to be heard, to set the record straight so to speak and a small part of me who wonders if I shouldn’t just suck it up to see if the truth will ever come out you know? Close the door on her close the door on ever knowing who my birthfather is.

    My siblings seem very close to her so she must have something good about her. Although she sold her own daughter (my sister) up the river saying K saw things through rose colored glasses and implied that she was somehow defective by thinking we could all be just one happy family! I would never hurt my sister by telling her this but it gave me real insight into the kind of person E really is. Selfish beyond measure.

    Sigh. No clarity yet but I feel I’m getting close to being OK letting this one be on her way.

  5. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 😦

    Next time “E” mentions the 90% figure, you can tell her that she has it backwards.

    My adoptive mom had the same backasswards idea as well. So I dug this up for her.

    “[FN322] A sizeable study published in 1989 found evidence “shattering the prevailing myth that birth mothers are unconcerned about the child they relinquished …. [B]y and large birth mothers feel a continuing sense of loss and would like to reunite with their child ….” [FN323] Almost ninety percent of the birth mothers studied favored being contacted on behalf of their surrendered children. [FN324] Recently, statistics compiled by intermediary programs have indicated *420 that as many as ninety-five percent of birth parents are open to contact.”

    You can find the rest here:
    http://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/articles-archives/legislation-samuels.htm

    Cold comfort, I know. Again, I’m sorry this isn’t going well for you.

  6. Wow. Just found your blog and started reading it. Sorry for the pain your first mom has and has inflicted on you. And that Angel song is one of my favorite.

  7. ((((((Mia)))))
    It’s hard to believe that she can be so heart-less.
    Thinking of you.

  8. Oh, Mia. That’s just awful. ((((mia))))

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