Even though the adoptionism bug has bitten me hard I find myself reading posts from other blogs relentlessly. I think it has to do with understanding. I want to understand this crazy ride called adoption but I’m not so sure it is a subject that can ever be fully understood. It is human nature to want to make sense of things and it makes sense that if we cannot make sense of something it may just make us a little batty. WOW huge gramatical errors there.
I will tell you what boggles my mind the most and that is the emotional connection between natural mothers and their children. No, its more specific then that, its the emotional connection between E and myself. I have several first mommy friends, beautiful, strong women but who are in a lot of pain inside. Through them I have grown to understand the depth of loss felt at the relinquishment of a child. Reading the blogs from all of the equally beautiful and strong moms in blog land has served to strengthen my understanding. The poetry, the letters, the deep raw emotion has touched me, changed me.
I have always had the gift (or curse depending on how you look at it) of being able to put myself in another persons shoes or at least trying to. I guess it’s the Libra in me but I believe attempting to understand where another person is coming from is paramount in becoming a good person. With this mantra in mind I spent years believing that E had deep regret at her loss of me in her life and years trying to understand the possible events that led to her decision. I also paid attention when women spoke about the aftermath and how it forever changed who they were. I can imagine there is a part of every woman here that never heals but it is obvious to me how hard many of you work not to allow it to define all of who you are. I applaude you for that! You are inspiration. But what I don’t get is someone like my E who doesn’t allow it to define ANY PART of who she is. It is/I am a past subject that deserves not one speck of consideration in the developing journey of her life.
When I finally found E I became sorely confused because all of the understanding I tried to aquire didn’t seem to fit the mold that was E. Of course my mommy friends all helped me understand that althought they didn’t get her they could see how the pain can make some people shut down. They live as though the experience that brought them so much pain didn’t even exist. So I sat with that for a long while until I got it, really got it.
As years go by I am finding it increasingly difficult to buy into the whole denial thing though. Not that I think it’s an impossible scenario but I am having a hard time allowing it to be an excuse anymore. Like the bumpersticker says “Mean Sucks” and it is becoming harder and harder for me to give E the excuse of denial when in reality her actions have been just plain mean. She says things to her “real” children like “I just didn’t feel any sort of connection with her when we met, they probably made a mistake” or “I have a family and I just don’t want or need any more” or “I don’t want to look at pictures of her kids because they are not my grandchildren, I have my grandchildren” my personal favorite: “I don’t think I should have to explain THIS to anyone!” and on and on. My sister shares this stuff with me because I have told her how much I need to understand. She thinks it’s helping me to hear the things E says. I dont have the courage to tell her how much it hurts to hear. Any connection is better than no connection.
I made the HUGE mistake of sending E a Mother’s Day card a few months after we met. I look back and see that it was over the top but honestly I was just trying to send a message that she too is my mother and for that reason an irreplaceable part of my life. I meant no harm and certainly didn’t mean to place undue pressure on her. I should never have sent the message that a Mother’s Day card implies, that I was expecting her to be a mother to me. I just wanted to honor that part of who she is. Does that make sense?
She freaked out and I never sent another card until a few months ago when I wrote a brief note telling her we were all OK and that I had pictures of the kids if she wanted them. I didn’t even presume to put the pictures INTO the note, I asked. Of course no response ever came. My heart still skips a beat every time there is a letter in the mailbox even though I know she will not write back.
I don’t know if I can fully accept that the woman who is my E is just in denial anymore. I am in a place where I feel like I need to be honest about the possibility that she really is just a purely selfish individual who has absolutely no ability to listen to her concience. Assuming she even has one that is.
How do I get past this? How do I read blogs from all of you amazing moms, see my mom friends desperate for ANY contact from their children and not feel totally totally totally jipped? How is it that I got stuck with an E who honestly seems to care less? What’s up with the Universe anyway?
It’s too late I think to salvage any sort of relationship with E. My hurt runs deep but I wish there was a way to feel some closure. Maybe if she could just tell me one time that some small part of her actually is afraid, that she isn’t a completely uncaring person, that I have great value and that she doesn’t regret her decision to bring me into the world. Maybe that would help. That even though I have nothing to offer to her life she’s still glad I exist.
I may never hear those things though and I have to find a way to be O.K. in spite of it all. It hurts like a son of a b%$#@, or should I say……. daughter of a b%$#@. Now see, that is sick. I WANT TO LOVE YOU E!!! WHY DO YOU MAKE IT SO FREAKING HARD TO DO SO????????? AT THE VERY LEAST CAN’T YOU ALLOW ME TO APPRECIATE YOU??? I’ll even quell the love if I can be allowed to appreciate you.
If there is a concience swimming around inside of you you will be glad to know that I will be alright without you in my life but a little validation could go a long way for me. I would like to say not knowing me, my children, is your loss but it’s my loss too. I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable E but it’s how I feel.