Yesterday I spoke to my bsister via IM. It is our usual means of conversation. She is reserved about how close she will get to me. She feels somehow disloyal to her mom (my bmother who does not want contact) by pursuing a relationship with me so she keeps me at arms length.
I have never met or spoken to my older brother. He seems to be a rock the family leans on for strength and advice. I guess a part of me always felt he would come around one day and ask to meet me. I had been led to believe that he was the logical one.
Yesterday my sister told me that my brother could CARE LESS about ever meeting me. Due to circumstances in his life (having a stepdad he loves very much and not caring to ever know who his bfather is) he strongly feels that the family that raises you is all you need to know.
I am slowly letting go of the fantasy of the Oprah ending I had dreamed of. It has taken YEARS to get to this point. I guess I am one of those people who needs to be smacked on the back of the head with a frying pan to get it. I just have had a hard time letting go of hope. The eternal optimist.
I felt pretty good with my progress until yesterday. That comment just hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s like one step forward and five back. I feel like I am scratching and clawing my way to the place where all of this sits well and I am OK with my birthfamily wanting nothing to do with me. I always thought if they could just get to know me……………
Yesterday I was left feeling not quite good enough even though that is totally irrational. This is their problem, not mine! Why then am I carrying their guilt on my shoulders?
Last night I dreamed……………
I was hiking in the Colorado mountains, searching for something. What for I don’t know but the necessity to find “it” was intense. I climbed and fought my way up the mountain searching frantically.
I then decided to give up and go look for an old friend in Denver. I always kept the mountains in my sight though so I could return to the search when the time was right.
I passed a bar filled to capacity with cheering people and thought “what could they possibly be celebrating?” I saw my friend through a croud of street dancers but couldn’t get to her. As I pushed my way through the crowd another old friend of mine stepped between us and said “you can’t talk to her, you haven’t been a good enough friend, you’re just not good enough”.
I was heartbroken feeling like I had to explain that I had been a good friend but walked away instead.
I asked my husband where our children were. I desperately had the need to see my children. He said that he had left them with an old Italian couple a few blocks away. (My aparents are elderly Italians) I screamed at him asking him what he could possibly have been thinking leaving our children with STRANGERS!?! He said that they seemed nice and he was sure our kids were fine.
We went to pick them up and as we sat in their livingroom the elderly lady turned to me and said “you shouldn’t leave your children with strangers”. Again I felt like I had to explain to her that I had not left them! “She just looked at me and said that’s not good enough, you are just not good enough.”
J and I are sitting in a restaurant I worked at when I was 16. In my dream I still worked there. I asked the waitress for a specific cocktail and she wasn’t sure we had them on the menu. I told her I would go and ask the bartender. She handed me a large envelope. These envelopes were given out for people to place their belongings in for one of two reasons;
1. The ship was sinking
2. you were being fired.
I went to the bar to speak with the manager, it was Angelina Jolee (humor here, I just watched an interview with AJ talking about being an adoptive mother). I asked her the purpose of the envelope and she said “Isn’t it obvious? You’re being fired.”
I told her I had worked there for sooo long and why was I being fired? You guessed it….four words……..you’re not good enough.
Just then an old boyfriend of mine walked out of the restroom wearing a yellow hard hat and yellow rubber gloves. TOXIC was all I said.
Everyone in the room started laughing, co-workers, customers, manager, just laughing at me. I thought these people were my friends, a family of sorts. I was blindsided, never had a clue, I thought they loved me but all the while they thought I wasn’t good enough and laughing behind my back.
I woke up with those words playing over and over in my brain. You’re just not good enough.
I am a LOGICAL person!!!! I KNOW my birthfamily not wanting to meet me is not about ME but my brain and my heart are obviously not working together on this matter.
I was just feeling like I had made huge strides too.