Safe Haven Rides The Bus

My husband saw a banner ad for PA Safe Haven on the side of a bus this morning. Isn’t that kind of silly? I mean considering everyone knows single pregnant girls can’t read because they’re too strung out. Not to mention the fact they are most likely riding the bus, not driving next to it. But whatever floats their boat I guess. What they SHOULD do is leave pamphlets in pizza parlors. Oh, wait, adoption agencies already have that angle covered.

Skoff, snort.

So this is what the ad said:

“Not ready to be a mom?”

“Afraid to tell anyone you’re pregnant?”

“Don’t know what to do with the baby?”

“We can help you - by promoting irresponsibility, perpetuating secrecy and shame while simultaneously supporting our major desire to feel morally superior to you and even to your child when they become an adult. It’s a win for ALL! Yea US!”

OK, it didn’t really say that stuff after “we can help you” but it might as well have.

I wonder how much that bus ad set their budget back? The PA DPW website states; “Since 2003, four newborns have been relinquished at hospitals under the Safe Haven of Pennsylvania program. All four babies have been adopted.”

That’s right folks…..FOUR…..since 2003. All I can say is thank goodness it was only four. Why? Because that would be four completely rational women who were of right mind enough to take advantage of the freebie and I’m glad there weren’t more. These were four women who were nowhere near crazy enough to go the dumpster route. Crazy people who stick their kids in dumpsters don’t have the mental capacity to CHOOSE a more compassionate solution. They are crazy. But SANE people CAN make a compassionate and responsible choice. What those four women should have been taught is that dumping your baby ANYWHERE is neither compassionate nor responsible!

I am quite sure the complete IRONY of this will not escape my fellow bastard brothers and sisters. The front page of the Safe Haven of PA website reads:

Hush little baby!

We won’t say a word.

How rich. And how TRUE! Some of the most outspoken supporters of Safe Haven continue to contest open records, treating us like babies and telling us to hush.

“We won’t say a word.” So true, so true.

It makes me furious that our tax money continues to go toward programs that promote social ignorance, irresponsibility and outdated stigmas. Money that could go toward programs to assist these young women!

An ad on the side of a bus. Really people! It kind of gives a whole new meaning to that song doesn’t it?

“The baby on the bus goes wah wah wah and the momma on the bus goes shhh shhh shhh……”

Family Advocates

AmRis sent this to me and I really think it’s a concept worth exploring.
I am not so sure about the “non-profit” aspect (and of course my concerns
with infant adoptions period) but I really believe the concept is solid
toward the goal of eliminating coercion and misrepresentation.
I would love to hear what you all think, particularly from mothers who
have relinquished.

Family Advocates

I’ve been thinking about how we can change the adoption situation. I’ve long
had a sort of idea swimming around in the back of my mind about starting a
non-profit to help mothers and decrease the number of relinquishments.

I was struck with a slightly more concrete idea of what it might look like.

What is a family advocate? Well, when a child is arrested for any kind of
misbehavior, they get a children’s advocate. This person’s job is to ensure
that the child is treated fairly and that the law is followed in accordance
with the highest good of the child.

What if someone were to create a nonprofit that promoted the creation of
advocates that ensure that mothers considering relinquishment are not being
coerced or extorted. A lobby that brings forth the idea that any time a
woman considers relinquishment, and no matter the circumstances of the
adoption in the USA, the parent is to have an advocate.

This organization would oversee adoptions and agencies and ensure that such
practices as moving the mother across state lines to escape fathers no
longer is occurring. This agency would have the agenda of protecting
families from coercion, extortion, and from unnecessary separation. They
would oversee adoptions and ensure that the child in the equation has
representation at the adoption, that the mother has representation, and the
father has representation.

The primary goal would be “To ensure ethical treatment of, and to protect
the interests of, the originating family in cases of adoption
consideration.” It would research and offer counseling on adoption loss-for
all parties, firstmothers, adoptees, and firstfathers. The ultimate goal
would be to bring the USA’s adoption practices into line with those of
Australia (with perhaps a few subtle differences), and to promote the legal
removal of all profit from the BUSINESS of infant trafficking.

It’s of course, a preliminary idea, and needs some work… but I think it’s
a good jumping off point and a sound premise.

What do you think?

~ Amris

TGIM

What a weekend! I feel like I was run over by a truck. Twice.

We are in crisis mode with my parents. Both are elderly and in very different places regarding what kind of care they need. My dad has Alzheimer’s which seems to be progressing more rapidly these days. My mom’s needs are more physical. She has hip replacement surgery coming up but in the meantime can barely get around. Trying to meet their care needs is challenging since they happen to need such vastly different types of assistance.

I sat down with my neighbor last night to go over my parents situation. He does this senior care thing for a living. He informed us that the long term care insurance my parents have been paying on for four decades is absolutely worthless. Which really pisses me off. You wonder how some people sleep at night.

To even get them in the door of a decent facility around here it costs around 200,000….EACH. Which leaves us in a position to either accommodate them here at our home (which would mean major renovations for our home and large amounts of Prozac for me), exhaust their finances on a home health care nurse and see how far it takes us, OR (and I am leaning toward this option) move to Aruba and drown out the fact that I even have parents with rum drinks served in very large coconuts.

Saturday we piled the kids in the van to go and visit my parents. On the highway the electrical system started going crazy so we pulled off at the next exit to try and find a service station. Just as we approached a rediculously busy intersection it died completely. It happened to stop just shy of the underground mechanism that makes the light cycle so it didn’t take long for a ton of cars to back up.

Here’s a question for you: Why is it people will stupidly pull up behind your vehicle when your hazards are ON and the hood UP and STILL get totally annoyed that you aren’t moving? Like you are totally putting them out by making them simply go around you. You have absolutely RUINED their day! As though my day were going splendidly.

An officer showed up and sat behind us until the tow truck arrived which was great. Not only was he extremely kind but he was incredibly H.O.T.. I stuttered like a teenager hot. That really helped make the time pass and eased my husbands nerves by laughing at me acting the fool.

Wherever we are going, even if it’s around the corner, my kids have to pack like we’re going on a trip to Wally World. DS’s, pens, paper, books, stuffed animals, pillow……oh for the love of……it’s less than an hour away!!!!  So when the tow truck arrived we all piled out like a clown car at the circus with all of this CRAP loaded up in our arms which then made the cop laugh. I’m glad everyone was having so much fun.

Yesterday was spent cleaning out our garage to get ready for the neighborhood yard sale next weekend. I really should have taken pictures of our garage before we began. It was Oprah-special-on-freaky-people-with-hoarding-addiction full. It looks amazing now though. I am FAR less sentimental than I was a year ago. I now have a much better grasp on what constitutes a family heirloom. Antique beveled mirror? Yes. String necklace made of stale Cheerios? Not so much.

Except for hanging clothes and pricing we are ready for the sale. I cannot think of a better way to spend my Mothers Day than having people try to talk me down from 50 cents to a quarter for four hours straight. I think I will just go bargain hunting myself and leave the negotiations to The Man. I will have to hide my treasures when I get home though or he will just price them and stick them back out at our yard sale.

So that was my weekend. Oh, did I forget to mention that everyone in the house except me seems to have acquired pink eye? Yep, they are all home today. It’s whiny butt central around here and as you can see by reading this post even without pretty pink eyes I am no exception.

A Real Comedian

AKA…..

Poop My Foot.

We have a jar in our house that we put money in…..often. Nope, it’s not what you’re thinking. It isn’t a cuss jar. Although some would say (ahem) we could use one of those too. This is a jar that we put money in to save for our children’s future and no it isn’t a college fund either. The money that goes in that jar is a fund to pay for their counseling when they are adults. We are simply being practical and getting a jump on things because we know our kids and they are already blaming us for everything. Better to be prepared don’t you think? Nothing but the best for our kids!

Now before passing judgment on us I would plead you to understand our brand of kid. They are smart. Too d*#% (really need to start that other jar) smart. They have been known to gang up on us, usually catching us totally unaware. Although sometimes we know it’s coming by the smoke rising in the air as they circle their devious little mental wagons.  This is a sign that we are in real trouble. It’s unnerving.

I just wanted to give you a little background with the hope that you will take pity on our highly abused parental souls before getting to the poop part. I know you are all hanging on the edge of your chamber pots aren’t you?

My teenage son has issues with irregularity. At least that’s what he claims but I don’t buy it. You see EVERY TIME he is told to do something such as clean his room or do the dishes, or mow the lawn he inevitably has a miraculous need to use the bathroom. Not once in a while mind you but Every. Single. Time.  Apparently chores are his fiber.

I find this highly suspect and today I told him so.

“Dear son I find your need to poop every time you are asked to do a chore highly suspect.”

He replied in his all time best -  major drama queen - high pitched - squeal of protest  voice;

“WHAAAATTTTT?!!! Highly SUSPECT?!!! How in the WORLD am I supposed to control WHEN I have to go?   EVERY time I have to poop I get rolling eyes or a snarky comment. EVERY TIME! It’s cruel and unusual punishment I tell you! It’s just not right. A guy should be able to GO without commentary from his MOTHER!!!!  I will have you know this is gonna mean a major amount of counseling for me some day. You need to put money in the jar!”

So there you have it. I put a dollar in the d#%* jar but I want it to be known that I still find his irregular pooping schedule highly suspect.

Ohio Help Needed Tomorrow!

Reposted from Dawn’s Blog

From Marley:

Another hearing for Sub HB 7 is scheduled for the House Health Committee tomorrow at 4 PM in Room 017 of the Ohio State House. l We need further testimony in support of returning obc access to the bill, which was recently stripped of all access language. All reference to access was removed, although no public testimony was given against obc access.

We specifically need testimony from Ohio bmothers and adoptees from the sealed and secret years 1964-1996.

Please take a minute to write letters to the committee, submit testimony to Kara Joseph for distribution to the committee. If possible, please come to the Statehouse to testify in person–or just give us support. The Health Committee needs to see that Ohioans support adoptee rights!

See last week’s action alert for details of tomorrow’s hearing: http://bastardette.blogspot.com/2008/04/betsie-norris-from-adoption-network.htm

Go here for talking points. http://bastardette.blogspot.com/2008/04/ohio-buckeys-for-equal-access-action.html

Also see the BEA page for background and lots of links about Ohio adoptee rights (or lack thereof) : http://www.myspace.com/beaohio

Due to opposition leader Matt Huffman’ extreme animosity towards me, (I didn’t do anything to him–really!) it is counter productive for me to testify before the committee. Submitted testimony is just about finished for Buckeyes for Equal Access. Unfortunately, most of our members are not in the Columbus are and cannot come to the hearing. If someone could read it person, it would be greatly appreciated. I will be at the hearing, however, and will be available for questions.

Teen Pregnancy

We really need to get something straight; teen pregnancy is not an epidemic.…….teen s*x is. And adoption is NOT AN ANSWER to the epidemic. Adoption is a holy band aid. Or a band aid filled with holes anyway. It may make society feel better but it doesn’t do ANYTHING to address the real issue. It’s kind of like taking cold medicine. It appears to ease the symptoms but it doesn’t do JACK to cure the virus.

You know I have three daughters. One of which is quickly approaching her teen years. I have had The Talk with her of course. Actually a long while back we began talking about it and we continue to do so. The part that I struggle with is being very clear about things like self respect, love, responsibility and consequences to actions while in the back of my mind maintaining the very real possibility that she may just go ahead and have s*x anyway. I need to KNOW I have clearly conveyed reality and yet not perpetuated the belief that she would need to feel ashamed or afraid to come to me IF she became pregnant.

Obviously there aren’t many parents out there hoping their teenager has s*x. There are a million and one reasons why it’s NOT a good idea. I know first hand what a blow to ones self esteem it can be to have s*x when you are too young and for the wrong reasons. Like for instance thinking its a great way to make someone love you. Ugh right?

The problem with the whole “teen s*x is a SIN” angle is that it perpetuates the stigma of shame. GOOD you say? OK, lets say just for the sake of argument that one moonlit night in May your teenager allows hormones to override all of those Fear of God sermons you gave and ends up pregnant. Do you REALLY want her to be too ashamed to come to you for help? Because if we use the sin angle as an alternative to open communication about the subject that becomes a real possibility.

Frightening our teens with talk of s*x and sin is ineffective. Again, there are a million and one other reasons why it’s not a good idea. This is where personal responsibility, good choices and consequences to actions come in. This is where we talk about how difficult the REALITY of teen pregnancy is. Society perpetuating the belief that adoption is in any way a cure sends the wrong message. It cures nothing. In this instance as in so many others LANGUAGE MATTERS and our kids are listening!

The fact that we continue to allow religious organizations to get involved is not only irresponsible but often has disastrous results for our kids. Religious adoption agencies are nothing more than a biased dispenser of meds for symptoms of a virus they have no effective method to cure. The worst part about that is they don’t even clearly convey the painful and life altering side effects should one choose to take their brand of medicine. This is another strong reason why religion and adoption don’t mix. As things stand religious organizations that involve themselves in adoption services send this message to our kids; S*x is a sin so don’t do it. But if you do and you get pregnant we have the cure to wash away that sin. All it will cost you is your baby.

What a load of crap.

I am not saying adoption is not a viable choice. I understand that sometimes it may be the only choice. But at what point do we convey to our kids that being a parent when you are a teenager is insanely hard AND that the alternative may be even harder. When do we convey the fact that handing your baby over to strangers is something you NEVER get over? That choosing to have s*x may just end up putting you in the position to have to make any one of those other impossibly difficult choices? WHY aren’t we talking about this reality with our kids BEFORE they make the choice to become s*xually active?!!!

I tend to believe that it really might work if we sit down and truthfully play out the many possibilities for their future if they make the choice to have s*x too early. I am not suggesting we FEAR our kids out of having s*x like one does when they use that whole sin angle but we need to be very clear with our kids about the responsibility of choices and the reality of consequences to their actions. We can’t do that if we are too busy serving adoption up as a cure and not addressing the actual problem which is our kids having s*x too early.

I guess I could have eliminated this long post and simply said~

THERE IS NO CURE FOR TEEN PREGNANCY!!!

We have to QUIT implying adoption is some sort of cure-all pill and start addressing the cause of teen pregnancy….NOT the symptom itself. Saying adoption is in any way, shape or form a cure IS like handing out cold medicine. It may make US feel better but in reality the adoption pill hasn’t done one single thing to fix what ails our kids.

Truth

I guess it could be said that if someone believes something it becomes THEIR truth. That wouldn’t be so dangerous if people clearly understood that when you combine the words belief and truth the word truth instantly becomes subjective and not absolute. You completely redefine the meaning of the word.

Truth~

—Synonyms 1. fact. 2. veracity. 7. sincerity, candor, frankness. 10. precision, exactness.
—Antonyms 1. falsehood. 2, 4, 7. falsity.

Basically saying your beliefs are absolute truth is like calling anyone who has differing beliefs a liar. Respect is lost right there and so is any hope of productive communication.  This is why so many people are turned off by any discussion of religion or spirituality. When you engage in conversation with someone who has seamlessly combined their beliefs with absolute truth (and you happen to have differing beliefs) you automatically bristle, waiting for the sucker punch of riotousness that is sure to come. It’s like someone telling you they love and respect you while patting your poor misguided soul on the head. No thanks.

We have to be open to the POSSIBILITY that our beliefs may or may NOT be absolute truth. It would be a start if we could eliminate the word ONLY from our vocabulary asap.

There may just be more to the story that you (we) are not privy to.  Admitting this won’t make you melt. I promise.

Notice I chose the Truthful MUSINGS category for this post. LOL

Religion and Adoption

A topic of conversation over at Third Mom’s has spurred this post. The topic is the impact of religious beliefs on adoption.

The foundation of discourse among those most outspoken in the world of adoption seems to always teeter precariously on the pendulum of religious beliefs. There are a vast number of people who tend to use a platform of religion as their adoption ethics soap box. The problem with this ideology is that the word “religion” often comes with a tag of right-ness firmly attached. Why doesn’t that work? It closes the door to productive communication immediately because the egoic creation of right immediately gives birth to wrong. Any mutually productive and creative solution becomes impossible to manifest when two minds are battling for top spot on the soap box.

Take for example this string of commentary. The author Megan Bakaits states “to obtain ones original birth certificate is not a civil or human right.” She supports this argument from the basis of RELIGIOUS RIGHT. Pun intended. This author impressively managed to remove civil and human rights from an entire class of people based on her religious beliefs. Those of us who are active in adoption reform are no stranger to this ideology. I would venture to say each one of us has been beaten relentlessly with the religion stick on more than one occasion.

How do we navigate the waters of positive change?

There is a VAST difference between religion and spirituality. One can be deeply spiritual and yet not be confined by religious dogma because spirituality is not based on a man made belief structure. It does not gain it’s strength from any belief in right vs wrong. In other words it’s existence is not dependent upon forcing change in another.

On Third Mom’s blog Erin commented “Haven’t many of the greatest movements in history been rooted in religion? In American history alone, the abolitionists and later the civil rights movement were all rooted in religion. To ask for ethical reform without religion is, maybe to much to ask, because for many of us, religion is our guidance.”

Herein lies a HUGE misunderstanding. The most DESTRUCTIVE movements in history have been rooted in religion. The GREATEST movements in history have been rooted in SPIRITUALITY. Most of those who have been successful at being a catalyst for positive change have clearly understood the difference between religion and spirituality. Although most of these pioneers of positive change walked a preferred religious path NONE of them coined those who walked other religious paths as WRONG. They concentrated on our similarities, NOT our differences. They could truly celebrate diversity because they clearly understood our infinitely more important similarities. Any belief structure that deems itself the ONLY way must defend itself from all that does not believe just like it does. Any opposition must be eliminated. Fear is the motivator because such strict guidelines give birth to the concept; I must prove you wrong or I will cease to exist.

A shift in consciousness IS taking place. More and more people are turning inward for a closer look at the divine. Many on this amazing planet of ours are seeking insight NOT from the constructs of the egoic mind (right vs wrong, I am better than you mentality) but from a deeper, more intimate place within. We have come to a place in history where we can no longer buy the “one dogma suits all” ideology. Spirituality is slowly beginning to take over the strict confines of man made religion and not a moment too soon.

What does this have to do with adoption reform specifically?

When you remove the shackles of strict religious dogma and replace it with pure spiritual consciousness you open yourself up to infinite possibilities. Each action is based upon a deep understanding of our oneness.  If your actions are motivated by that deep understanding you automatically eliminate entitlement, you eliminate ownership, you eliminate fear, you eliminate secrecy and shame. Most importantly you eliminate the need for personal gain at the expense of another because you come to truly understand that to do unto others IS to do to unto yourself.

If you eliminate these elements from the adoption industry what are you left with? Ideal adoption reform.

The Climb

My son asked if I had seen this video yet. He and I have very similar musical taste although his tends to be slightly more conservative than mine lol.

After watching this video I was struck by what a hauntingly accurate depiction it is of how I felt during my search. You see it took me a long time to get the courage up to just be honest with myself about my need to search. When I finally mustered up the courage to do so it took even longer to let the fact that I was searching be known.  When I did finally begin to talk about it I received the usual discouraging and ignorant remarks from just about everyone I encountered. I knew nothing of online support back then. I’m not sure it even existed. I remember feeling very alone. I was tired and scared. Scared about what I might find, scared that I would not find anything. I was terrified I would be rejected (which I was). Scared of having this desire to know which I had been led to believe by society was NOT normal. Basically I was scared of everything and nothing.

In this video I associated the jeering people with those who made those constant stupid remarks like “why would you do this to your  poor parents?” and the man at the top of the hill looked a lot like Catholic Charities to me. But I kept climbing. I dug my hands in and clawed my way upward. I didn’t allow anyone to stop me. I am not unique by the way. That kind of bravery can be found in each and every adoptee you encounter that decides to search.

You know what I wish? I wish one day it wouldn’t be brave of us at all. One day I wish it would be viewed as completely normal for us to find that lost part of ourselves. So normal in fact that it is expected. Instead of a rock throwing crowd we are met with outstretched hands helping us up that mountain.

Anyway, as the video came to a close I began to think that it is some kind of messed up that I seem to associate so much in my life with adoption. I mean I can’t even watch one freaking music video without making the connection. I’m thinking “what is WRONG with me?!”

Then my son turned and with tears in his eyes he said to me;

“I think he was climbing to his mother“.

Away from the Sun

Siblings of Circumstance

I met Theresa in Philly yesterday. It was wonderful and yet bittersweet and emotional. It was also very healing in some yet to be defined way.

The bond between fellow adoptees is difficult to express but we both agreed at one point that without one another it would not be so easy to take the journey of the adopted Self (to coin BJL) . There are some things that only someone who has walked the path can deeply understand. For instance; the intense feeling of connection and yet non-connection one can have simply by staring at an intimate stranger’s name on a wall of stone. Theresa felt it at the cemetery and I felt it during my trip to Ellis Island. I remember feeling very alone staring at the names of my ancestors on that wall. I struggled to invoke the presence of personal history and own it as so many others can do with ease. I walked out front and stood staring at the infinite ocean that had brought “my” people to those very shores, people I have no real claim to from either side of the genetic and environmental fence and I cried buckets of tears for what was lost to me. Only a fellow adoptee could understand that kind of emotion. I know at that moment the arms of an understanding soul wrapped around me would have been of great comfort. We all wish to be understood.

Sometimes your go-to-guy has to be someone who gets it. That may be difficult for the usual go-to-person in our lives to understand but when someone loves you properly they can put your needs above their own. I’m really lucky in that regard.

It was incredible to meet Theresa in person. Meeting fellow adoptees always ends up feeling somewhat similar to that perfect reunion we sometimes allow ourselves to fantasize about. Meeting fellow adoptees is like Antwone Fisher and pancakes. Something only another adoptee could really, truly, deeply understand.

The connection we feel with our natural mothers cannot be replicated regardless of how strong the connection is with our adoptive mothers. Contrary to popular belief it is not diminished by a rejection either. There is an unparalleled connection we feel and regardless of how uncomfortable that makes everyone it’s not going anywhere. That connection can’t be ignored, denied, hidden OR rejected. Even those who try within themselves to deny it… fail. It comes out in a million unhealthy and unrelated ways when ignored. No amount of fear can make it disappear. It is what it is and until we accept that this connection exists adoptees will continue to be forced into playing a very emotionally dangerous game of make believe.

Adoptees have an unparalleled connection like that with one another. It is one that cannot be replicated by those in our lives that are not adopted regardless of how hard they may try. Anyone who tries creates a whole new level of meaning to the phrase “you just wouldn’t understand”. Life can be a real challenge without the proper kind of go-to-guy.

So yea, meeting T was awesome. Yesterday I got to eat a great big fluffy stack of pancakes and it was food for my soul.