I found this statement by Father Tom Brosnan at the NYSAR website. I am a fan of his from way back. I have referenced his “must read” 1996 keynote address many times in the past and even have handed out printed copies of the speech to new searchers, family, friends and equal access non-believers alike.

I can only imagine how much less therapy I would have needed had he been my priest when I was growing up! The damage done to a child whose very nature is based upon a foundation of deceit cannot be measured. How any parent could possibly think secrets and lies benefit anyone, PARTICULARLY their child, is beyond me. All late find adoptees can attest to this I’m sure. As can each of us whose true identities are locked away in the Vault of Shame.

THANK YOU Father Tom! Please keep speaking truth. You are appreciated more than you will ever know.

Please visit and support  NYSAR!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Tom Brosnan, reunited adoptee, activist and spokesperson for the Adoption Reform Movement

Secrecy and Scandal: for Catholic bishops — more than alliterative intercourse

The scandal in the Catholic Church is about sex but it’s also about abuse of power on the part of bishops who, for fear of scandal, kept secret from unwitting parishioners the fact that priests reassigned to their parishes were accused and, more often than not, guilty of sexually abusing children. The bishops’ pitiful posture in relation to the crisis is mirrored in the secrecy they employ in other matters as well, especially those concerning adopted adults.

Catholic adoptees who request their original baptismal certificates are issued instead so-called amended certificates stating, with Episcopal approbation, the following lies: that we adopted were born to our adoptive parents; that we were baptized by them at a time after our actual baptism (implying falsely that we were baptized twice); and, in the case of many, the name given us at baptism changed to match the adoptive name on our amended birth certificates (symbolically negating the whole point of baptism - to name the child before God).

When we ask to see the original baptismal we are told that it is forbidden - by order of the local bishop. We shall not see the names in which we were baptized; or the names of those who gave us birth; or the place in which we were baptized. Because, the bishops say, confidentiality promised birthmothers must be protected (even when it wasn’t promised - even when they don’t want it). Ironically, the position that a mother should have a right to privacy - even from her own child, is forthrightly condemned by the bishops in their opposition to Roe v. Wade.

Hypocritical? For certain. But hypocrisy is but a symptom of a much more metastasized sickness - a long and heavy addiction to secrecy. “The very soul of bureaucracy,” Simone Weil once called it, “the root of all oppression.”

“In our civilization, which is totally identified with the outer and ignorant of the inner dimension of spirit, the word OLD has mainly negative connotations. It equals useless and so we regard it as almost an insult to refer to someone as old. To avoid  the word, we use euphemisms such as elderly and senior. The First Nation’s “grandmother” is a figure of great dignity. Today’s “granny” is at best cute. Why is old considered useless? Because in old age, the empasis shifts from doing to Being, and our civilization, which is lost in doing, knows nothing of Being. It asks:Being? What do you do with it?”

ANE by Tolle

Maybe it’s because  I am overly sensitive to  bureaucratic,  red tape wielding, zero accountability, profit-mongers.  Being enmeshed in adoption schmoption can do that to a person. Or maybe I  am just overly sensitive to the dark side of humanity and possibly overreacting? Regardless, I would really love for  someone  to explain to me why we  have  allowed  the elder care industry to turn into a giant profit-monger machine sailing right alongside the adoption industry? And smooth  sailing at that!

Somebody  please explain to me how it is possibly  OK  to  charge a family SIX FIGURES to provide their  parents  with  decent  care? How is that even REMOTELY OK? How has charging  six figures (some I have looked into were in upwards of 150,000- $180,000 per year) for assisted  living become  ethical? Here is just one example and not even  the worst!; $250.00 just to fill out the application. $6,000 to get in the door. They attach themselves to ANY AND ALL assets your parents worked their entire lives for and THEN charge $250.00 PER DAY PER PERSON for the privilege of residence. All services such as laundry, tv, phone and haircuts are extra of course. I guess in their defense I should mention that they do have a pool. And a  library. And puzzles. Lots and lots of pretty puzzles.

Of course I have found homes that are less expensive.  Charmers they are, filled with the delightful fragrance of Odor de Pee. Residents sitting in wheelchairs drooling mercilessly with not so much as a look, let alone a  tissue from the aids chatting behind the desk. With such lack of stimulation it wouldn’t take long for ME to start drooling in a place like that and I can tell you it wouldn’t be from the tantalizing smell of strained peas wafting out of the kitchen.

The worst part? Many of the nicer homes I have looked into are Christian based…as in the brochure literally reads “We are doing God’s work”. Ladies and Gentlemen…….GOD COSTS!

As it turns out I simply cannot afford to provide God for my parents. As it turns out all I can provide them with is some cheezy, lesser version of God. Like a velvet Jesus painting sold by some guy on a street corner out of the back of his van. And it hurts DEEPLY to know that all I can afford to give my parents is a velvet Jesus.

Birth and death = BIG MONEY people! We have sat back and allowed the exploitation of the two most sacred aspects of human existence. Yea Us.

I  am still manning the AF phone lines (ahem….any volunteers?). I get plenty  of legit calls but I usually  have to  wade  through some crap  every  time I  check the messages. I would like to mention that I  CLEARLY state on the answering  machine that AF is a SUPPORT org.  and NOT an agency  and yet  we still  get calls from  pap’s asking for help adopting a baby. I had one woman who actually left a detailed message saying  she wanted  a white, healthy boy child with blue eyes, no older than two. Preferably within  six  months. I  am NOT kidding. I threw up a little in my  mouth while listening to her message.

Yesterday I received the following prank call. The girls are young, maybe 7  or 8? No mistaking their youth. I wish I was more tech savvy so I  could post this prank  call for you to actually listen to. As  it stands  I am not, so I will have to  do this transcript style.

Check this out:

“Hi, I’m Brittney”

“And I’m Whitney”

“We  wanna’  adopt  a girl.”

“We are a lesbian couple  and we really  REALLY want a daughter”

“Yea, and we are 28 so  we  can get one. We can  get whatever we want WHEN we want cause’ our daddy’s are RICH!”

“Please call  us back as soon  as  you can”

“Yea, cause’  we want a baby now”

“UhHuhhhhh”

“Hugs and kisses”

“Toodles”

At first you want to laugh right? Kids will be  kids and all of that. But the more you sit with this (and it doesn’t take long) the more disturbing it becomes.

Those  of us here in blogland scream about  the state  of adoption affairs and yet we are rarely listened to by  those who actually  need to listen.  What will  it take? How about  the fact  that our young  CHILDREN seem to CLEARLY get what adoption has turned into?

When we talk or write of entitlement we often get the same old tired response; “What do  you meannnn by  saying we feel entitled?” “I don’t understannnnndddd!” Why  DON’T you understand? These 8 year olds understand! What is so freaking complicated about it?  Adoption isn’t about providing  homes for children in need anymore.  It is (in most instances, not all) about providing babies to people  who “need”  them. Babies have become a  marketable commodity and the adoption process has turned corrupt. Period. What is so difficult  to understand? Money CAN buy you love…. or at least it can buy  you a baby.

I think it is insanely STUPID that our adult  population won’t can’t seem  to grasp this but  our CHILDREN CAN!

I keep saying I am  going to  write about all of the things going on in Graceland. No time like the present I guess.

When life becomes overwhelming I try to compartmentalize everything and address things by their order of importance. It usually works for me but the problem is I have a long list of important things to deal with these days. Everything seems to need to be done now. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe.

My mom is going to be released from the hospital in a few days so we are working overtime to find suitable living arrangements. I toured a senior home yesterday which was totally surreal. It was very nice and is close by so we could visit regularly. Still, walking the halls of a nursing home and seeing all of the very frail elderly people made me sad.

It’s hard to fully acknowledge my parents have reached this point in their lives which is strange considering I really am quite used to having old parents. They adopted me when they were in their late 40’s. Due to the constant snarky comments from my childhood friends I naturally came to think of them as old at a very young age, so I can’t even really understand why this is so difficult for me. When you are 7, 8, 9 years old the 50’s seem ancient. My mom has always had gray hair too which only served to accentuate her “oldness” and the comments from my friends really were relentless. I got used to the comments and became quite proficient at defending my parents on a regular basis. Thinking back on this actually makes me laugh as I am now just 10 years from ancient myself (lol) which I guess means my parents have transitioned from ancient to archaic?

When we moved here to be closer to my parents we decided to rent until we were sure this was the area we wanted to live. As it turns out we fell in love with this home. We have done an insane amount of work to the place too, tile, paint gardens etc… It’s a VERY nice house in a wonderful neighborhood. The housing market absolutely skyrocketed since we moved in (as in doubled). That coupled with all of the improvements we have done has prompted our ever practical Amish landlord to sell before the market completely tanks. Smart business people the Amish. The PROBLEM is this house is now completely OUT of our budget or we would just buy it ourselves. There is no way we can afford to buy our beloved home we have lived in for almost 4 years. So we are now in the process of securing a mtg. loan (providing daily; statements, referrals,  tax  records, firstborn etc…) and are looking at properties. We probably won’t be able to buy in this immediate neighborhood but we are looking to get someplace close by. It means a change of school districts which absolutely sucks for my teenage son. Fortunately though he has friends in the neighboring district so he won’t totally be the new guy. And I swore I would never move my teenage kids around. Sigh….

We found an old farmhouse that we really love. When I say it’s a diamond in the rough I am being extremely descriptively gentle. It needs a LOOOTTTTTT of work. Once the approval goes through and we are sure we will be buying it I will post pictures. I suspect most people will think we are completely nuts for even considering it. It has charm like you wouldn’t believe but every. single. surface. requires work. From the chipping lead paint on the woodwork to squirrels living in the attic this baby is screaming for love.

Note to Self; Find a way to befriend Bob Vila.

Our house goes on the market next week which means I will soon have strangers traipsing through my house on any given day. Have I mentioned I have four kids? *#%$&* U.G.H. I am working on packing as much as I can. The  more stuff  that is packed  the less I have to pick up.

We had a family vacation planned to Florida in July  which has been planned for a year. Looks like that will have to be scrapped. I have NOT told the kids yet. Still hoping for a miracle. I could really use  a vacation and so could they. But the worst of it is I can’t seem to find a way to get to New Orleans for the Adoptee Rights Demonstration.  THAT is bothering me a lot. I haven’t canceled my  room yet  even though I know  deep  down  I  need to. I keep  looking at the reservation  confirmation sitting on my desk like at any moment it will jump up  and make itself doable. I want to be there more  than anything.  I know, I  know… where there is a will there is a way but my will and I  seem to be  playing a nasty  game of hide and seek these days.

The good part about all of the  madness that is my  life right now is  it has left very  little time to ponder  the recent breakdown I  had  regarding E’s letter. I am way too  busy  to  deal with  that. She is nothing more than a quick chug of Mylanta to me at the moment.

So there you have it. My uber gigantor plate of swiss cheese. As  you can  imagine I am drinking the wine whine straight out of the bottle. I always remove the paper bag though. I remain steadfast in my determination  to keep SOME standards!

Cheers!

My mom is back  in the hospital again.  She is really not doing well at all. They are saying it’s  either  congestive heart failure or pneumonia. Either way for someone her age it is not  a good prognosis.

Yesterday I talked to  her and she  sounded drunk, slurred speech and really out of it. J drove  down there right away since he  was  close by  for work  and I met him  after I  got the kids taken care of. She is unable to move very well  due to  a bad  hip so after a few  attempts at getting her down the stairs to  the car ourselves we ended up  calling an ambulance to  take her to the hospital.

At the hospital the nurse was asking her questions.  “When was the last time you ate?” To which my  mother replied “I can’t remember”. “Did you eat breakfast?” “No” “Why not?” “Because he  (my  father)  didn’t make it for me”. My DAD says “We  didn’t have any”.  OK, now first of all we have a nurse that comes in everyday and whom I am in constant contact with.  She makes sure they eat  unless of course  they refuse which  is another matter  all  together.  Second they  have plenty  of food in the house. I know my  dad meant they  simply  didn’t have any  breakfast, he  did not mean they didn’t have any FOOD but that is NOT how  the nurse took  it. She  looked at  us and shook  her head as if to  say; what is wrong with you people?! Of course the  nurse was just doing her job but  my  mom can’t hear well  and that coupled  with onset dementia and not feeling well……it was a nightmare. I  tried to  interject a few times to give her more solid facts  but she of course wanted  my mom  to  answer so  she  could get the “real story”. The questions got more intense and the answers more bizarre. J and I were  just standing there shell shocked.

My  mom has always been as sharp as a tack.  Over the last month  she has gotten  increasingly  more mentally  unstable.  She now ebbs and  flows from lucid  to  out of touch. Even though  she often used her  sharp mental capacity for evil instead of good  it is still heartbreaking to see her decline.

We  were going to  take my Dad  home with  us because he has Alzheimer’s and can’t really  be alone. So  we  took  him back to his home so  we could get him pj’s,  clothes  etc…I asked him to  grab his toothbrush to which he staunchly replied he did NOT need it. We  explained  to him  that  he will want his toothbrush since he is spending the night but for whatever  reason  he had a huge problem with this.  He went OFF on  us, screaming and yelling (we were outside) that he was  NOT GOING TO  BRING HIS G*DDAMN TOOTHBRUSH!!!!!  Comical in a warped and twisted way but  for us, two emotionally and physically exhausted  individuals, trying to  reason with  my  dad was excruciating. He  won by  the way. No  toothbrush.

The time has come. We  must move them out of THEIR home and into A home which  absolutely  sucks.  It ABSOLUTELY SUCKS!!!!!!!!! I  hate it and  it hurts my  heart and I feel  insanely  selfish  because  I  still just  keep thinking that I shouldn’t have to be  dealing with any of this at 40.  I want  my  mom.  I want to go  to  lunch  and shopping with my mom. I want  to talk  with  her on  the phone about stupid, mindless drivel just  because we can. I want her to  give me her opinion as  we look for a new home  to  buy.  I  want  that infuriating maternal unsolicited  advice about how to raise my kids. I want-  MOM.  It’s actually  pretty  silly considering we have never really had that kind of relationship but we  certainly  had something closer than what  we  have now. I  feel like an ass.  I must SOUND  like a selfish ass but it’s honest. This sucks.

My daughter  graduates  from  elementary school  today. (YEA  S!!!!!)  After graduation we will be meeting my  brother  at the hospital. It’s time for a round table discussion  about our parents  care. He and I haven’t always seen eye to  eye which is another  major ordeal. I felt they should have been moved  a  long time ago. He wanted to keep them in their house which  I completely  understand but now it’s  time for action.  I  cannot take no  for an answer.  Something must be  done  and it cannot wait any longer. They  are no longer able  to  live alone, period. I can’t imagine how difficult  this will be  for my  parents. The whole thing just breaks my  heart.

Bizarre, all day  yesterday  I found myself calling my  mom; Mommy.  I haven’t called her “mommy”  since I was a little  girl. I’m clinging.  I  know this. I am fighting the exhale of my  mothers life. Even though I know I will not win.

When I began my  blog back in 06′ I had no idea how instrumental it would  be in my adoption/reunion journey. I belonged to a few online groups and even assisted moderating for a long while. Groups are nice  because  the audience is limited so they  provide a more intimate and safe setting for discussion than opening  up to the world such as one does on a blog. But blogging has it’s own unique  benefits. I think many  of these benefits though are being lost by the use of  feed readers.

I remember the first comments I received  on this  blog. I was blown away that complete strangers  would want to hear what I had  to  say.  It was validating and healing in a million  different ways. Here you are putting your soul out  there and out of the blue someone shows up to support  you. That is a beautiful thing.

Even  those who left  derogatory  comments were  appreciated because  it usually led to some sort  of meaningful dialogue. It is a pretty great feeling when you are able to  help  someone see the other side of a subject  you are passionate about, a perspective they  may  not have considered  before. I have  certainly gained perspective by listening to others as well. That is how the  worlds are changed.

No one could contest to the fact that internet technology has improved our lives. It has enabled us to communicate with people oceans apart. I personally have made friends I now  find indispensable in my  life. I have  friends met through the internet that I am closer  to than anyone in the family I was adopted into and most certainly closer to anyone in my natural family. Although  that is by  their choice not mine but that’s another story.

The point is it’s the COMMUNICATION that makes  blogging beneficial. The interaction with one another is what creates the bonds and helps the healing. I don’t necessarily believe anymore that one can ever fully recover from the wounds created  by adoption but some measure of healing CAN take place and blogging definitely helps with  that. It just seems now everyone  is  using  readers more and commenting less. Unless  a post  is particularly controversial of course ;o). I am completely guilty of this myself. I read much more with my  reader (good) but comment less and less (bad) .

I don’t plan to blog  for much  longer (which I will write about another day) but I just wanted to humbly and yes, hypocritically say; directly communicating with one another is worth the effort. I hope those who carry  the adoption blogging torch in the future will consider how vital direct communication is. Without it you lose one of the most valuable aspects of the blogging experience- the forming of friendships.

Madonna happy to be “guinea pig” in adoption case

“Up until this time there wasn’t an adoption law, so consequently I’m sort of the template or the role model, so to speak, for future adoptions,” she told a news conference.

Oh LORD help us. A scary, dark day when we use Madonna as a role model for adoption reform.

Dear Friends,

The Adoptees’ Birthright Bill is assigned to the Assembly Human Services
Committee, where we have the support of most of the members of that committee.
The chair is a strong supporter, a true champion of adoptees’ rights to know the
truth of our origins.

For a bill to be posted in committee, the Speaker of the Assembly has to
approve its being heard.

The Speaker also has the prerogative of deciding whether the bill is posted for a vote
by the full Assembly.

Because of the huge number of bills filed, the M.O. of the NJ Legislature
is that bills allowed to be heard in committee are generally expected to be
released from committee to the floor; and bills posted for a floor vote
are expected to pass.

Since we have such strong support on the committee, as well as in the Assembly
at large, the major decision to be made will be by Assemblyman Joe Roberts
(D-Camden), Speaker of the Assembly.

We would like Asm. Roberts to receive 100 letters either by email, hard copy or
even handwritten, postmarked by June 1, week from this coming Sunday. This
deadline is critical because of the legislative calendar which has one more
meeting of the Human Services Committee before the legislators break for the
summer. There are voting days between June 12 and the end of the month, which
could possibly allow the bill, if posted and released on the 12th, to move forward.

Would you please make every effort to write a personal letter, no longer than a
single page (however you send it), to

Assemblyman Joe Roberts, Speaker of the Assembly
Brooklawn Shopping Plaza,
Rt. 130 South & Browning Rd.
Brooklawn, NJ 08030

Please refer to the bill as the Adoptees’ Birthright Bill rather than by number.
There are several bills and what is likely to come out is a “committee
substitute” which will have elements of each of the bills.

If you write your letter on the computer, would you kindly send a copy of it to
me at pamhasegawa@gmail.com :-). Please email it to me AFTER emailing it off
to the Speaker if that is how you send your message. If you send it by snail
mail (which I think will have more impact just because so much of today’s
communication is done electronically), please just cut-and-paste or attach a
copy of your letter to an email addressed to me.

Many, many thanks, friends. And if you have friends in the Camden region
who are sympathetic to our cause, please ask them to write as well.

In hope,

Pam

In honor of Bloggers Unite Day:

Adoptee Rights Demonstration
July 22, 2008
New Orleans, LA

This is as applicable today as it was in 1976:

Sealed Adoption Records and the Search for Identity

The following is testimony offered in regard to sealed adoption records and the search for identity. This testimony was given in 1976 to the New York State Commission on Child Welfare by Vincenette Scheppler. It is still pertinent today.

My testimony today is based on my experience as a psychiatric social worker who has provided therapy for adolescents, many of whom were adopted. I have also been involved for seven years as a director of adoption programs. My work has been with unwed mothers and fathers, adoptive parents, adoptive children and adult adoptees. While all of this experience has convinced me of the need for open records as a contribution to the mental well-being of adoptees, nothing has persuaded me more than the testimony of my own adopted children.

Although the original sealing of adoption records was perhaps understandable on the basis of an earlier lack of knowledge, what we have since learned makes the concept today truly inexcusable.

For a long time it was a rather generally held view that only the disturbed and/or unhappy person would want to seek out his biological parents. It was honestly believed adoption created a totally new life for a child and there was no need to seek out information about his biological heritage. Now we know this is simply not so. Every adopted child has to face what I have chosen to call the adoption dilemma. The essence of this dilemma is in the fact that every adopted child has two sets of parents. He must somehow come to know them both and to settle for himself what his relationship is to be with each. Although some of this may be beyond his control, he will try. Knowledge of his biological parents may be actual, it may be by way of information that is enough to satisfy him, or, if neither of these is possible, it will be imaginary. But know them he must if he is to resolve his dilemma and thus free himself to be all he is capable of being.

All humans, in order to grow and become mature adults, must resolve their relationship with their parents. By daily contact they learn the reality of that relationship and grow in their ability to move away and become independent individuals. This task is complicated for the adopted child who has two sets of parents. Some may tend to deny one set or the other, but this is often accomplished at a very high emotional cost. Let those of us who have some authority to act not be responsible for further complicating this difficult task by keeping from adult adoptees information the rest of us accept as a matter-of-course. Let us not force them to waste valuable time, energy and emotional stamina better used for the building of a creative, productive life. Spare them the necessity of obtaining this vital information in an illegal, frustrating and perhaps unsuccessful search.

The social work profession, undoubtedly composed of dedicated, sincere workers who certainly want what is best for all parties concerned, must now face the fact that the sealing of records has been responsible for much unnecessary heartache for everyone involved in adoption. Let us consider some of the reasons for this sealing.

Perhaps the most frequently given reason is the respect for confidentiality. This is based on the myth that parents who surrender their children do, indeed, want to be protected from them. The fact is that at the time of the signing of a surrender, parents have had to be convinced the only way they could provide a home for the child was to completely relinquish their right to any future knowledge of it’s existence. Many have written frequently to ask about the child’s well-being. Others, believing they could not obtain any information, have agonized in silence. Most have generally acknowledged they cannot play the mother role, but they wanted to make their peace between themselves and their offspring - hardly a sinister motive. For those rare few who may be truly unable or unwilling to acknowledge their children, a statement to that effect might be made a part of their permanent record.

Another argument against open records has been the felt need to protect the adoptee from unpleasant information. There are, in truth, no happy circumstances that lead to adoption. The very fact that a child needs to be placed in an adoptive home tells us something unpleasant has already happened to him. He may have been born of unmarried parents who were not prepared to take on the responsibility of caring for him. He may have been the product of rape or incest or an extra-marital affair. He may have been forcibly removed from his parents by the courts because of neglect or abuse. He may have been abandoned. To try to protect people from such information is truly naive. The unknown frequently holds far more horror than any truth. Both social workers and adoptive parents have been guilty in the past of fostering a vague, meaningless ‘explanation’ to all adopted children that has, in effect, left all with the feeling there is no way to learn why their placement was necessary. Your mother gave you up because she loved you, we told them all, as if that made any sense whatsoever. She wanted what was best for you so she gave you to an agency to make sure they found the best possible home for you. And now adults who were adopted as children are telling us that such answers will not suffice. Their message is clear. they must work out their dilemma. . . their own dilemma. This is a very personal matter and can best be accomplished when the adoptee is able to understand the reason for his placement.

All of this has led to society’s continually treating the adult adoptee as if he were perpetually a child. It is certainly possible the adult adoptee who seeks out his past may encounter rejection and unpleasantness. This possibility - not probability - is in no way a justification for denying adults their right to know. The idea that some adults can decide for other adults what part of their own person they can be allowed to know is reprehensible. Every individual has a right to come to grips with his own past.

Finally, there is the objection that open records invade the rights of adoptive parents. Surely, while children are still minors, adoptive parents and children need to be protected from custody suits. This argument can no longer hold when those children become adults. The parent-child relationship which has grown over the years need not be threatened because the adoptee now seeks to explore that other part of his being. The parents who understand the need for their children to work out their dilemma will recognize it is in no way a repudiation of them.

Some adoptees argue they feel no need to seek out information about their biological background. That is their right. But hopefully this will not be a basis for denying equal rights to those who do.

The question arises, how to make information available. Some have suggested third party mediators. If adoptees have the right to grow and handle their own problems as mature human beings, free of the need for continual parenting and protection by all of society, we must accept the fact mature people can make their own arrangements without third party involvement. Indeed, one of the most tragic aspects of adoption as we know it rises from society’s unwillingness to recognize we are not speaking of children.

In closing, I would like to share with you the words of my twelve year old son. When he learned I was coming to this hearing, Tom said, Mom, please make them understand. We don’t want to run away. We just want to know.”
- Vincenette Scheppler, M.S.W.

This testimony may be freely quoted by persons who are working to achieve open records.